Thanks so much for all the great suggestions! It makes sense that the Germans and Poles would have some good stuff, especially since solost mentioned the maltiness! I can’t wait to try a few…
The other day, I fussed over a glass of water like I was making a mixed drink: half tap/half LaCroix over a muddled orange slice, a dash of bitters, orange zest and a squeeze of lime (and wiped the rim with the peel)… it satisfied that “engineering an Old Fashioned” itch.
Regular Heiney tastes like it’s filtered thru sweaty socks. Got a case of their 0.0 at some event we were at that they were there promoting it. Tried one; gave the rest to the college kid who drinks cheap, mass-produced swill; even they didn’t like it.
I’ll have to look for the Athletic Octoberfest & have now found a place that sells the Sammy N/A…but the last time I went in there (with her) to pick up just a six-pack walked out with a box & > $100 poorer. 
That doesn’t sound too far off of Heineken. If you didn’t like the regular stuff, you won’t like the 0.0 any better. I do find it’s better in cans than bottles. At the alcohol substance use disorder groups I attend, that tends to be the one the recovering alcoholics like the best, but they also tend to be mostly mass-market beer and cheap spirits drinkers. I keep some around because that’s what my wife likes the best (and she did/does drink regular Heineken on occasion), but when I’m jonesing for a “reward” drink, it’s the Guinness 0.0 that really does it for me. That’ll get my dopamine going in a way the Heineken does not.
These days what I ended up drinking the most is some homemade concotion I make by steeping a very concentrated tea of various botanicals: juniper berries, quassia root, gentian root, cherry bark, prickly ash, allspice, clove, cardamom, black cardamom, melissa, dried orange peels from the Chinese market – pretty much whatever I have around (I was into making my own alcoholic macerations back in the day, which is why I have such obscure botanicals), adding a bunch of lemon juice to it, and then using about a tablepoon per liter of water I carbonate, and that really satisfies my itch to have something cold, bubbly, and bittersweet. It’s like a tonic water of some sort because of its bitterness and botanicals.
I’ll second the Budweiser Zero. I’ve got a 12-pack in my fridge right now.
This summer I have been on a paloma kick. Same sort of fussing when I make them. One day, after finishing one I went to make another but realized that the thing I really like about them is the grapefruit and the lime. So I skipped the tequila found that the virgin paloma was just as tasty as one with tequila. So I drink them about half of the time and don’t feel like I am missing out.
I find a virgin mojito to be the best answer. Muddling takes time though, so don’t be surprised if there’s very little price difference. A lot of folks like virgin margheritas - i’m not one - but a lot of folks do. It’s usually best to go a little further afield, rather than try to be satisfied with something that is very close to what you really want, but never will be.
Honestly, if i’d been drinking at the same place that long, i’d turn the challenge over to my bartender. Let him/her make a few things based upon your tastes and see what you find refreshing.
I would’ve guessed you’re in Minnesota, the strange rollout of legal non-reservation cannabis there made a big market in THC drinks at many bars. Milwaukee is close enough to find that, I don’t see it in other legal states though I’m sure dispensaries have plenty. Though I think Wisconsin sober is when you switch from brown liquors to only drinking clear ones. 
Athletic (only makes NA) and Deschutes (full brewery) taste like a proper beer. A lot of the old ones like St. Pauli, Beck’s, or (shudder) O’Douls don’t hit the same. I hear mixed reviews for Guinness NA due to mouthfeel, I’d give it a try though. Unfortunately it’s harder to find NA beer for as cheap as the real stuff, my Costco has affordable Athletic but not much flavor selection.
Oh, and Athletic has 50% off your first order on their website.
Sounds wonderful!
I’m sending you $79.95 for a 750ml bottle, because I don’t want to do all that work myself (and no way my stuff would taste half as good as yours).
I’m the wrong one to ask. If I’m not drinking the real stuff I am fine with having an iced tea. My MiL had to stop drinking because of medication she was on. She was a wine drinker. She’s happy to drink Fré Chardonnay.
I was going to mention these but wasn’t sure if they’re available in the US. They’re really good and based in my hometown (not that I’m biased…).
Erdinger is a low alcohol lager that I like too. It does seem to produce the biggest frothiest head I’ve ever seen though.
Agree with everyone who’s recommended Guiness 0.0, which the OP also mentioned. It is very good.
And their North American (I was about to say NA, but realized the potential for confusion) operatons are based right here in Chicago. I’ve been to their facility at Great Central Brewing Company.
I had no idea they’d got that big! Good for them.
They’re still a bit difficult to find around, but they’ve been contract brewed here since at least 2021, when I first discovered them. I think I literally drove past the brewery and Googled what Big Drop was.
I accidentally had a NA Sam Adam’s IPA something or other yesterday (pulled the wrong can from a variety pack). I wouldn’t seek it out on purpose but it wasn’t bad.
My dad likes all three of these.
I know you’re lookig for beer and spirits, but for others, he recently tried Kylie Minogue’s Non-Alcoholic Sparkling Rose and liked it enough to have it again. Twice.
He’d agree with others in this thread - alcohol free spirits aren’t worth it.
Now that we’re a ways in, I’m curious about the bigger picture.
I’ve enjoyed a drink or 3 my whole adult life. Beer, wine, booze, the occasional frou frou cocktail; I like them all. I pretty well quit drinking beer except on very rare occasions back around age 50 as too carby and too obesogenic. Since then it’s been wine, amber booze neat, traditional gin-vermouth martinis, and the occasional sweeter cocktail (mojito, margherita, etc.).
Like the OP I now find my doc recommending I quit just about all alcohol. That doesn’t make me real happy. But it also doesn’t trigger any interest in finding good alcohol-free booze even if it existed.
I wouldn’t want an NA beer. Too carby and obesogenic and filling just like a regular beer. And beer is just not that great tasting a beverage in the first place either. Beer with no buzz? WTF bother?
I wouldn’t want an NA hard booze. Too carby and obesogenic even if it tasted right. The buzz is the point. Absent the point, why have it at all?
I could almost see NA wine to accompany meals. If it wasn’t all nasty.
I guess my big point is that if I do indeed (nearly) stop the alcohol, the substitutes I’d want are water & fizzy water, not alcohol-free near-beer, alcohol-free wines, alcohol-free boozes, etc. Break the mold or don’t.
Does anyone else feel this way or conversely do y’all affirmatively like the idea of near-miss substitute products better?
I haven’t participated in this thread, because as someone who doesn’t enjoy the effects of alcohol, i don’t drink enough to have tried the NA versions.
But that’s certainly how i feel about meat substitutes. I don’t want fake meat. If i can’t have meat, give me good lentil and tofu and bean dishes, not fake sausage. I’ll eat pretzels for the salt, and add lots of butter to something for the fat.
That being said, as a mostly-non-drinker, i do like a little booze in some sweet cocktails. I sometimes get a pina colada with half the rum, because the bite of the alcohol cuts the sweetness in a pleasant way. (I’d probably try to substitute something bitter if i couldn’t add the rum. Although i do enjoy a virgin colada.)
So, to the extent my experience is valuable, I’d suggest looking for bitter and sharp and spicy things you like, and substituting those with a touch of sugar for bourbon in a mixed drink. Maybe a splash of Worcestershire sauce? Some fresh ginger juice?
You’re just not going to be able to replace the experience of a hard aged booze served neat, though, and i wouldn’t bother.
Also, I’m told that between Germany’s love of beer and very strict driving-while-impaired laws, there are lots of excellent near-beers available there.
I think the comparison to fake meat is apt. There’s a place near us that makes a pretty good veggie burger that I tried out of curiosity. It was surprisingly good, but I wouldn’t seek it out again. I’d rather have a flavorful vegetarian meal that doesn’t pretend to be something else.
There are times I find a beer just more refreshing than a sparkling water. Unfortunately, I find most NA beers not up to the task.
I agree with you about straight NA spirits. I do like some single malts (once a tour of Scotland taught me that they’re not required to taste like telephone pole), but I have a hard time believing any NA facsimile could be any good.
My wife and I enjoy a well-crafted cocktail with a nice dinner, but most NA offerings are too sweet. I have had a couple of NA Negronis that weren’t bad.
I had a nice gingery-limey offering recently, but most places just want to serve generic ginger ale or lemonade with a little fruit juice in it. OK, but usually too sweet and lacking in complexity.
I like the relaxation ritual of an NA beer. (Granted, since I retired a bit over a year ago, I don’t have that much to relax from.) It’s a little bit of a celebration, and a transition to evening. I also like the dry/less-sweet aspect of a beer.
If I could find a drinkable NA wine, I’d be all in.
This is not even close to true. Some of the NAs are as low as 25 calories per 12 oz serving (and with the required reduction in carbs to get to this level) – I feel like I’ve even seen lower. Typically it’s about 50-100 calories per beer.
I can’t drink because I twice ended up in the detox unit of the hospital when I tried stopping for a few days and my body “noped” on me. I love beer. I love the ritual of beer. I love the flavors of beer – everything else carbonated out there is too sweet or uninteresting. NA beer fills that niche for me, and fills the desire to try out different flavors and discover new beers. My curiosity for new flavors is a big part of what drove me to beer and whiskey as opposed to other spirits. I mean, look at the weird botanical seltzers I concoct for myself that I mentioned above to satisfy that reaching for flavors, particularly bitter ones.
Do I miss the buzz? I guess a little, but not as much as I thought I would. I miss the ritual and taste most. NA beers fulfill that for me. I still get a sense of profound relaxation when I get that nitrous mouthfeel and flavor of Guinness 0, for instance. Is it exactly the same? No. Do most NA beers taste like the real thing? Absolutely not, but some come close (I think Guinness does) and it scratches that itch for variety and exploration. They are miles better than the Sharp’s and O’Douls days, and I gladly enjoy them guilt-free, with fewer calories, than the fully leaded stuff.
We still have alcohol in the house, but my wife herself prefers drinking Heineken 0.0, even though she’s perfectly fine with drinking alcohol. And, trust me, it isn’t in some sort of solidarity to me. Like I said, we have bottles of wine, and she’ll drink some around me, and I don’t have any issue with it. She just likes having beer without the buzz or slowdown of alcohol most of the time.