You have definitely convinced me to give the new NA beers, and Guinness in particular, a try.
With most NA beers, do not go into it thinking it will taste like the real thing. I think Guinness comes pretty close, with the same cascading effect and soft mouthfeel, but it is thinner in the mouth. But it satisfies that dark malt, yet refreshing, jones. And I find that, as is to be expected, different people do find different things they like about different NAs. I happen to enjoy many of IPA offerings and I am definitely a hophead, but other hopheads who have stopped drinking think most of them are piss. One of the things I notice most is the viscosity is so much thinner than the alcohol varieties. A lot of people seem to like Heineken 0.0. I was never much of a Heineken drinker, but it’s a pretty safe choice. Like I said, I swear it even has that light skunkiness I associate with a lot of Heinekens. 
They make a couple different varieties:
My favorite is their golden. By itself it’s different from an alcohol golden; but with food it’s excellent.
Oh, huh! I didn’t even notice that was a name for a whole line of their NA beers. I’ll have to look out for a variety pack. I know several breweries have variety packs, so that’s a good way to check out different types of NAs (though they tend to be variety packs of similar styles.) One of the more interesting NAs I had lately was Partake’s Peach Gose. Based on the German sour wheat style of beer known as gose (see also: gueuze, a perhaps slightly better-known Belgian style), it’s a crisp, refreshing summer quaffer. Very light (25 calories), flavored with peach (though not sweet or overwhelming), coriander seed and salt (as is typical in a German gose). It’s edges more towards a cross between a seltzer and NA beer, but on a hot summer day, it hits the spot.
What’s great is that there’s a whole lot to explore in this market segment if you have a well-stocked liquor store nearby. Even average groceries around here have gone from carrying one or two to six or more in addition to Sharp’s and O’Douls (usually something like Heineken 0.0, Clausthauer, Clausthauer dry-hopped, Lagunitas IPNA, Sam Adams Just the Haze, various Athletics, sometimes Brooklyn, and often some of the more mass-market beers like Bud, Michelob, Corona, Blue Moon.) But the more interesting ones tend to be at liquoramas.
Thanks for the anecdote; glad to hear of someone ‘succeeding at life’ in this area. You’ve all been helping me feel less sorry for myself that I’m avoiding alcohol.
I have a Kiwi mate who’s decided to go N/A (I think just to see if he can do it). So I’m get phone calls now that start with “Ah’m on m’ way to your fav’rite pub. Fancy a pint or three o’ Guiness Zero?”
That’s kind of the rub with the NA beers. Some of the most accurate renditions are the light lagers. Shiner for example, makes a golden ale that’s a surprisingly close NA rendition of their Blonde lager. Problem is, if you don’t like their Blonde lager, then you’re out of luck.
Meanwhile, ones like the Na Chouffe (get it?) are NA versions of the original, but leave a lot to be desired.
I think the sweet spot right now for NA beers are styles where most of the flavor comes from stuff like roasted barley (Guinness) or hops (NA IPAs are surprisingly decent). Any malt-forward style will be pretty lackluster. If I had to guess, it’s because they’re brewing the beers to be low alcohol in the first place, then de-alcoholizing them. Or maybe the dealcoholization process removes the stuff that makes beer malty/grainy.
While I have no compelling reason not to drink the real thing on my own, my best buddy has been placed on a NA regime, so I’m exploring NA beers with him.
Ommegang in Cooperstown has come out with a Belgian Blonde that is excellent. I found it at the Wegman’s in Ithaca, but I don’t expect to see it in the DC area any time soon.
I drink O’Doul’s Amber mixed with tomato juice and top it with black pepper. Of course you have to like tomato juice. If a Doctor says I have to give up alcohol I’m good to go.
Although I don’t drink, I like to cook with wine. I can’t keep a bottle of wine in the house because Mr. brown is trying to stay away from alcohol, with spotty success.
I see several types of “alcohol removed” wine on the shelves nowadays. Has anyone tried them? Do they taste sufficiently like real wine that they’d do well in a sauce, do you think?
Michelada for the win!
My solution to alcohol-free liquor that lacks “bite” is to consume proper liquor that does have alcohol in it. Seriously, just do it in moderation, unless you have liver disease. The doctor who tells you to avoid all alcohol is likely to then go off for a nice dinner accompanied by a fine bottle of Cabernet. It’s all about lifestyle balance. I may expire before this board does, and it may be due to alcohol, but I want it to be said that “he left with a smile on his face”. 
I’ve been on a no-alcohol kick for 6 months now (for both weight and health purposes). What I miss the most is that bitter bite from beer.
I’ve replaced it very satisfyingly with no-sugar tonic water (artificially sweetened with acesulfame potassium) mixed half and half (or less) with sparkling water. Sometimes I add a bit of lemon juice. I like the bitterness of the quinine in it. It really does a good job of taking the place of the alcohol sensation in beer (or gin and tonic, or vodka tonic). If I had Angostura bitters around here, I might consider adding some. My SodaStream is getting a lot of use with this. The no-sugar tonic water I get is the least expensive house brand (Kroger) for $1/liter. The regular sugar-sweetened tonic water is too sweet for me and adds calories I don’t need.
I do club soda, with lemon or lime. If that aint free, then mineral water.
Hmm, sounds tasty.
And, after taking a class in addictive behavior (gambling, I consulted with a casino, not my issue however) advice was given to stay away from things that you associated with what you arent supposed to do (and true, it doesnt appear the OP is an alcoholic , but obviously it is a habit the OP has to kick). Note the obvious stuff like if it is gambling stay out of casinos and Vegas, and if smoking dont hang out in the smokers area like you used to.
But if someone associates smoking with coffee (“I always had a cig with my morning coffee” was an example), then switch to tea or soda or an energy drink.
In this case, maybe if would be best to stay out of sports bars for a bit.
Watch sports at home. Or listen to the radio. Make sure home no longer has beer with alcohol, of course.
Spiritless Kentucky 74 Non-Alcoholic Whiskey
OP here, with many thanks for all the suggestions!
Now, my local watering hole does not carry much in the way of N/A beers, other than Guiness and some Brooklyn “hoppy waters”, but my supportive friends and I are trying to get them to broaden their horizons (not an easy move for a manly “Packer bar”).
Thanks, there are many nights I’ll decide that fooling my tastebuds is too much work, and I’ll just get a Diet Coke (maybe with Juice & Bitters).
That’s a no-go for me. One of the first days of retirement, my wife looked at me and said
“So, you’re just going to be … around?"
“Well, I could hang out at the coffee shop in the morning, and watch sports with my friends at the pub in the evening…”
"THAT sounds like a plan.”
They’re not going to stock a variety hoping you pick one. But my local watering hole buys my preference for my regular business. Oddly, the problem I have with other bars is to stock tomato juice. Bloody Mary mix is not a good substitute for mixing with beer.
I wish I’d read this earlier. I accidentally purchased some tonic water and gave it away. I never thought to mix it to lessen the bitterness of quinine.
Something I use to buy if I flew into an airport that had a bar. Sprite with a lime. It’s something that I can nurse while eating.. Sadly my favorite airport bar/restaurant went out of business. Best $100 hamburgers anywhere. Sigh. My world keeps shrinking.