This reads like Dr. Suess on meth.
It’s evident to me that my dog understands very little of what I say to him (other than specific commands), and of what he does pick up on, it’s largely due to voice inflection.
So I can call him Stinky and curse at him in soft crooning tones, which he finds pleasing.
Dogs try to understand what you say. They know some words, and are skilled at evaluating the speaker’s mood.
I would say my dog clearly understands between 20-50 words or phrases. Sometimes I talk to him in doggerel, using words he could not possibly know - just to watch him tilt his head endearingly. But you can easily see he is trying very hard. I’m not sure if the OP is.
Leet the Wonder Dog[sup]TM[/sup] not only understands spoken English, he can also spell.
I used to mention (to my wife) that we were going to the dog park after I got back from the gym, and he would immediately go into the Happy Dance and helpfully point out where the dog leash was, as well as the way to the back door where the means of driving to said dog park resides. So I began to say we were going to the D-O-G P-A-R-K but he figured that out in a week or two. Now I have to say we are going to the D-A-W-G P-A-R-Q-U-E but he is beginning to catch on to that as well.
He can also recognize the letters UPS on the logo, which spells “serial murderers who periodically attempt to break into the house and must be barked at even when on Nice Walks if the truck drives past”.
He is a good listener as well. When I work from home, he is always most interested in a discussion of coding problems, or design alternatives. Of course, his recommended solution is generally “how about giving me some of your sandwich” but that is part of thinking outside the box.
He can tell time, but to a lesser degree. There is Tinkle O’Clock, which is 5:58am (Tinkle O’Clock is not affected by Daylight Savings Time), Breakfast O’Clock, which is ten minutes later, Grandpa Goes to Work O’Clock, which is half an hour or so later and is the signal to lie on the sofa or go find someone else to bother, Nice Walks O’Clock, which is as soon as Grandpa gets home and changes his pants (that part is important - he will lie on the bed until I get my second leg into the pants, whereupon he runs to the front door to have his leash put on), Supper O’Clock, which can be no later than ten minutes after returning from Nice Walks or he will sit by his dish and look expectantly at me, and Night-night O’Clock, which follows closely on Treats-and-Combing O’Clock.
Regards,
Shodan
I’ve found that if you talk to them early and often they eventually pick up the general meaning of your words, tone, inflection, etc. and adapt accordingly. As an example, my boys know that if I’m singing I’m typically in a good mood and they can bother me as much as they want; if I’m cursing then they know to keep a respectable distance. Add to that the fact that they have also learned my body language and they are now at a point where sometimes they know what I’m about to do before I figure it out myself.
There is the occasional mixed message like when I’m watching the Lakers and start cursing at the TV my guys will vacate that room and go hide under the bed for the next 15-30min. I’ve tried to explain for several seasons now that it’s not them, it’s the Lakers, but for some reason they just don’t believe me…I still feel bad about this…
From Isaac Asimov, IIRC.
A guy is sitting in a movie theater, and sitting next to him is another guy and his dog.
The dog seems absolutely captivated by the movie. He growls at the villain, whines when the heroine is in danger, and wags his tail happily when the hero and heroine kiss.
The guy leans over and says to the dog owner, “I am really amazed at how your dog is reacting to the movie.”
“So am I”, says the owner. “He didn’t like the book at all.”
Regards,
Shodan
My boxer Romeo is always on the couch with me in the evening, cuddled up, head on my lap and snoring away. At exactly 8:30 every night he suddenly jumps off the couch, shakes and then stares at me. This is my signal to get off the couch, let him out to go potty and then he goes on his own into his kennel to sleep for the night. He was messed up for a week with the time change but he’s back on track.
I had a dog so smart it was like living with another human and one who really only got by on his good looks (I still have the looker; the smartiepants passed last year).
Smart dog had an enormous vocabulary. He knew all of his toys by name and would go get the requested toy out of the toy box (“go get Santa”) and put them back (“clean up”) when he was done. He understood multiple-step instructions (“put your toy away and go to bed” or “come here and get your brother (dumb dog) off the couch”). He was also exquisitely tuned to my emotions, and would sit in my lap in hug position (all 65lbs of him) if a tear escaped down my cheek as I was watching a movie.
Dumb dog is a sweetheart, and I can’t imagine life without him, but living with him alone has made me realize that I didn’t have two dogs before, I had an almost-human and a dog. The difference between them is made stark by smart dog’s absence. 
That’s quite an unusual dog you have. Most canines would propose “gimme all of that sandwich”.
*I occasionally muse about what phrases dogs would never utter if they could talk. Tops on the list is “No, you have the last piece.”
I have known more than one dog who learned how to spell B-I-S-C-U-I-T.
– we had a dog when I was a child who would say ‘water’. That is, she couldn’t manage the consonants; but she’d produce two short barks with something very close to the right vowels and intonation.
And she only said it when she was thirsty and her water dish was empty.
As a kid, we had a smart dog (poodle) who learned to spell a few key food words. I sometimes wonder if she’d figured out “They’re spelling, must be food-related. Get excited!”
Latest dog… not so smart. Barely knows his own name, doesn’t come when I call it.
Come to think of it, I’m not sure my kids understand every word I say…
Yes, talk to your dog.
Kiko was a street dog and he adopted me. I didn’t want a dog because they live 15 years, and I didn’t know where I would live tomorrow.
A friend taught me to talk to the dog. We walk 5 to ten kilometers a day. One day I thought, wouldn’t it be great if I told him where we were going.
He has learned, let’s go to the bank, the park, the super market, the coffee shop, the clinic, the cantina and more places. We were were in the teaching mode, and when we arrived at he bank, I would say “bank”. I speak him in Spanish because it is his native tongue. He is tri-language and obeys commands in Spanish, English and Maya.
The advantage of this is that he knows the destination. Sometimes he wants to chat with his dog friends along the way, and I keep walking. Most of the time he waiting at the destination before me.
Yes, talk to your dog. You will be surprised how much they can understand.
In addition to knowing words and time…
My dog knows the difference between business casual and casual. So he knows whether I’m going to to work or not.
Shoes mean that it’s possible that it’s outside time. Often when I come into a room he will look at my feet to see if I have shoes on or not.
And he knows more human words than I know dog words.
I have taught my dog how to smoke and play poker. I’m trying to get him a gig in one of those portrait sessions.
All the dogs I have known have a selective hearing disorder: they come right away when you talk about sharing a hamburger or going for a car ride–but when you tell them to drop that dead squirrel and get over here it is amazing how deaf they are.