Woman, your dog neither speaks nor understands English.

The BBQ Pit
1

Allow me to introduce Daft Bitch (owner, not dog). Now, all dog owners project some human qualities on our dogs. It’s hard not too when they are full to the brim of doggie personality traits with clear parallels to human personality traits. There are, however, limits. I do not speak for my dog (“Lil Miss Rowdy says ‘Ou is just a big meanie, ou is!’”), and I do not hold conversations with my dog (monologues, yes. Dialogues, no).

If I give a command to my dog, it is two words: “Rowdy, SIT.” This is because I’m all too familiar with Gary Larson’s take on the matter.

Daft Bitch is another breed.

So, Daft Bitch, when your obese, poorly trained, unexercised, undersocialized, maggot-sized bastard of a yappy dog and the entitlement of Lindsay Lohan starts barking aggressively at my affectionate mutt, I am not impressed when you start “discussing” the situation with your dog.

“Now, Daisy, you know that’s not nice. If you want to play with the little dog, you shouldn’t bark. Really, you bark too much, but I guess that’s what min-pins do. You just bark, don’t you? Nothing much we can do.”

Yes, Daft Bitch, there is. It’s called ‘disciplining your dog’. In fact, once you made it clear you had no intention of stepping out from the shade and actually re-directing your dog’s behavior, I did it for you.

“BARK! BARKBARKBARK! BA-”

“Daisy, NO!”

Daisy gives me a startled “WTF?” look and checks with her owner. Owner is laughing and shaking her finger. “Blah blah, Daisy, blah blah blah!”

Daisy goes after my dog again. “BARK! BA-”

“Daisy, NO!” and I add a foot stomp and aggressive lean towards her.

“BA-”

“NO!” Foot stomp, lip curled in snarl. Plans to turn dog and owner into a set of matching rain boots and macintosh.

Daisy surveyed the scene and trotted back to her owner, who scooped her up (“Does ou want up? Does ou want up?”), and decided that Daisy was just being too mean. (“When you’re mean like that, we can’t stay. So, I guess we’ll have to go.”)

It took Daft Bitch another fifteen minutes to gather up her things, leash her dogs, and exit. There was an audible sigh of relief from the other dog owners.

Daft Bitch, lemme 'splain something to you. Your dogs do not understand your words. They hear their name, and then it’s just a lot of blah blah blah. Most other dog owners on the planet understand this and see you for what you really are: too fucking lazy to properly train, discipline, and keep your dogs. Your ongoing “discussion” with your dog was just making up reasons why you “couldn’t” police your dogs better, I guess, so the other owners in the park wouldn’t get mad at you.

NO, Daft Bitch! NO! Drop it! Drop it, Daft Bitch! DROP IT! Good! Good Daft Bitch! Treat! Now, IMPROVE! Improve, Daft Bitch!

2

Of course it doesn’t understand English. There’s your problem right there. It’s a Miniature Pinscher. She should try German.

3

Drunk goes into a bar. Bets the bartender that his dog can talk. Bartender tells him he’s crazy. Guy says, I’ll prove it, and if I do, you have to buy us a drink.

Drunk asks dog–"what’s on top of a house? Dog replies “Rrrroof!”
Drunk asks dog–what’s at the end of a horse’s leg? Dog replies “Hoof.”
Drunk asks dog–"who’s the greatest ballplayer of all time? Dog replies “Rrruth!”

Bartender throws them out.

As they are sitting on the sidewalk, the guy says “stupid dog.”

The dog says "What? I shudda said Dimaggio?".

4

phouka, your daft bitch has a doppelganger in my aunt. My aunt (who is an alcoholic with BPD, but that’s another matter) has a chihuahua that is completely out of control. She will have conversations with the dog that go like this.

“Spot, get off the bed.”
“Spot, please get off the bed.”
“I said, get off the damn bed!”
“Get off the goddamn bed!”
“GODDAMMIT TO HELL, SPOT, GET OFF THE FUCKING BED!”

Like the dog understands, “uh-oh, she’s using escalating profanity now…shit is about to get real.”

She ends up screaming at the dog and shrieking incoherently (this is where the BPD rages come in) until the dog cowers from her in fear. In her mind, mission accomplished. The dog is a complete terror to be around thanks to living with this insane person who shows it no discipline or consistency.

Also, it should go without saying that she has never trained the dog to understand “down”.

5

The above canines obviously have been poorly trained (if that’s what you call it), but several of the dogs I’ve had in my life have had vocabularies of dozens of words. This has been demonstrated in the laboratory with bright breeds like Border Collies (to control for the “Clever Hans” effect), where you can say, “Go get the green striped gorilla” out of a pile of dog toys, and they can easily do so.

6

That’s pretty much how I talk to my cat.

Since getting cats to do what you want is…difficult…I figure there’s no point in pretending there’s a more effective option.

7

My dog understands English, maybe about 10 words or so, although he might be picking up on body language. Also, he’s the first dog I’ve had that understands pointing. He actually goes to where you point instead of just stupidly loooking at your hand.

8

Science has shown that dogs can understand at least 200 words in addition to commands.

That doesn’t mean she’s doing it right.

Another thing that I do (again, maybe not applicable to your person) is explain in English things I want other humans to know. I am talking to the dog because it’s less confrontational than talking to the person, but I want them to overhear and know I’m aware of whatever it is. For example, the dog is standing in the sidewalk hoping to force the approaching passerby to stop and pay some attention, and I’ll say, “Sadie, don’t block the sidewalk; not everyone wants to pet you.” That way if the person doesn’t want to pet her, they see that I respect that; but if they do and are shy, it gives them an opening to ask (and it may reassure a person who can’t understand dog body language that the dog is straining toward them out of friendliness and not aggression).

I person who jumps to conclusions might conclude I’m an idiot, but I’m not really speaking complete sentences for the dog’s benefit.

9

Yeah, my dog (Standard Poodle) has a fairly large vocabulary. She’s able to get the ‘blue toy’ from a pile of toys, or the ‘new squid’ as opposed to the ‘old squid’. This was a matter of presentation, not vocabulary. Well, and mini-pin having the brain of a mini-pin and not a standard poodle.

On the other hand, I do have meaningful dialogues with the dog. Generally, they’re about the choice between frisbee and soccer ball, but the dog certainly has opinions and expresses them, within the limits of her vocabulary. Oh, or nature shows versus soccer. Sometimes she wants one, sometimes she wants the other. Sometimes she wants something else and then it takes a while to figure that out.

Then again, poodles are strange, as dogs go. Border Collies are smarter, but I think poodles are better generalists.

Edit: Oh, yeah, refilling the water dish, or if it’s okay. I’m not gonna be arsed to get myself up and go look when the dog’ll tell me if it’s okay.
Edit twice: And what Sailboat said. Also, I prefer to talk in complete sentences to the dog and not babytalk because I don’t talk babytalk to anything, least of all babies.

10

Nation’s Dog Owners Demand To Know Who’s A Good Boy

11

[bragging] Absolutely! I have a mini-aussie, and she can pick out and bring by name, a few dozen toys. She’s brilliant! :D. She also understands spelling. We have to keep changing the names of interesting things to do (so she won’t go ballistic with excitement before we have a chance to get out the door), because she starts recognizing the cadence of a spelled word. So w-a-l-k is out. We can’t say “let’s”, “energy”, “car” “lake” and more words than I can think of when discussing taking the dogs somewhere. So “let’s take the dogs to the lake” soon become “shall we travel to the h20 with the canines?” or “motoring to the body of water” because they very quickly learn that certain phrases mean “We’re about to do something fun”. [/bragging]It’s annoying having a dog that’s smarter than I am (not that that’s hard! :D).

That said, I think stupid dog-owners are almost more annoying to fellow dog-owners than they are even to non-dog people. Just because of situations like the OP describes (I’m assuming this took place at a dog park or dog class of some sort).

12

My gramps would sometimes shout at his dog in frustration “Don’t you speak English?!” :stuck_out_tongue:

13

One of my uncles talks to his cat in Italian. Uncle says that since the cat isn’t going to pay attention to him ANYWAY, he might as well speak in Italian, and keep fluent in the language. He has a point, my dad really can’t speak much Italian any longer, despite speaking it when he grew up.

14

I speak some canine language (known as Caninese)

Hello-Ruff-Ruff

You are sexy-Huff, huff, huff

Fuck you-Grrrrrrrr.

It takes time to learn the language, but it is very rewarding.

15

I thought dogs were colourblind?

16

Cats, at least, can see some colors in pastel…so they won’t see a vivid red, but they will see a dainty pink instead. They see movement much more readily.

The dog might also be able to see and recognize stripes, and just ignore the green signifier.

17

Min Pins are good dogs, if a little high-strung. Let’s keep the focus on the owner, because it’s her fault.

18

I have an aunt who just shouldn’t own a dog. Not only has her spaniel never eaten dog food (he gets whatever she makes, which is why he’s about three spaniels wide!) but she never commands this dog, just asks him nicely. He of course, ignores her since he has never had a bit of formal training. "Oh Baby, does him think he can gets down? Mommy wants to sit on her couch, and your in the way poopsie! I’m sorry, hims angry at Mommy now, isn’t hims? ". Meanwhile the dog is still lounging on her couch, knowing she’ll give up after some more mindless babble, and he can go back to sleep. I understand people love their pets, I have a zoo full and I love them all, but I also keep in mind they are not people, and can’t be reasoned with, even if you use the “baby voice”.

19

That article made me laugh more heartily than at any time in at least a week. Thanks!

20

Some dogs not only understand English, but can speak it as well.