Just read a brief article on Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres; Portia apparently came up to Ellen and demanded that she marry her. Ellen agreed and they’re setting a date soon.
It made me think; does this kind of ‘nudge’ always work? There are a lot of gorgeous stories about how women in relationships have finally gone “Marry me or I walk” and the man has eagerly stepped up to the challenge but I think I’d be a bit worried about throwing that on my partner (regardless of the fact that we’re both < 20) for fear that he wasn’t ready.
This isn’t just about commitment and marriage, this is sort of in general; telling the people you love certain things.
So a poll; in your experience, how has the use of a clue-by-four impacted on your or your friends’ relationships, in general? How did the person in question use the clue and to what end; what did they want and how did they go about getting it? Did they succeed? Why/Why not?
Discuss.
Demanding something (or bending to that demand) is never a good thing. It’s usually more effective to draw a line for yourself regarding what you will or won’t put up with. The other person can then decide for herself what she wants to do.
Agreed with Kalhoun, I don’t think such things are nudges, nor setting ultimatums. Being upfront about what you are going to do is just being informative. Certainly that might act as a catalyst to change, but you never know; it’s just a question of whether you are satisfied to continue on with things undecided.
Ultimatums and demands are bad things, IMO, while discussing your wants/needs with your partner is important.
Saying something like “I’d like us to be married. What do you think?” can open up an adult conversation (even if it isn’t a romantic proposal), but “Marry me or I’m gone!” is just… wow. I’d likely be out the door if anyone ever came up to me like that. Thankfully, my boyfriend feels the same way, so ultimatums are pretty much a non-issue for me.
From what I’ve seen, flexibility is a big part of whether or not clue-by-fours do the job. Demanding that your mate do something because you say so probably won’t work well if you can’t be flexible enough to work with them on it, and chances are they’ll be even more miserable for it. Presumably it’s a loving, adult relationship, right?
I tend to think that most couples will have casual discussions about marriage to the point where the person doing the asking/demanding knows whether it’s going to work or not. In other words, I doubt that this came out of the blue for Ellen, and I doubt that Portia would’ve been so forward if she’d thought Ellen wouldn’t go for it. Or she could just be clueless yet lucky.
OK…I’ll go ahead and get the snickering done with…nudge, nudge…and the OP name…of course nudges often work.
I’m ashamed of myself.
You can take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. I… er… snickered. Quite extensively. Guffawed, in fact. Should I be ashamed too?
I got a “go to therapy or we’ll re-evaluate this relationship” a long time ago. Yes, I deserved it, yes it was a good suggestion, yes we are still together. I needed it - it was the only thing that would have gotten me to go, I think.
Okay, I get the hint. Portia de Rossi, I’ll mary you.
Wait…it wasn’t to me? Rats.