That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Or weaker. Or possibly severely crippled for life.
This idea that “bullies toughen you up” is very Darwinian - it’s fine if your intent is to weed the weakest members out of the gene pool. Generally, however, civilized people consider this approach exceedingly cruel and counterproductive. In fact it’s downright stupid - the people capable of standing up to bullies are the ones who were strong in the first place, and everyone else ends up harmed by it.
Bullies are a manifestation of human’s bias toward conformity, external validation, and social status. In some shape or form, all of us are wired to want these things. But bullies even moreso. It takes other values (like empathy and compassion) to override the natural bully’s impulse to hurt.
Bullies serve as much purpose as their victims do. They serve as a reminder to the rest of us as to what happens if you are too different/too weak/too undesirable. Consciously or unconsciously, we react by taking on “safe” behaviors that protect us from being singled out and ridiculed. Like the wildebeest in the savannah, we try best to blend in so as not to mark ourselves as prey. We hide our vulnerabilities beneath a shell of strength, and in the process, we act stronger than we would have had we not had this pressure. So predators end up having to work harder to bring a group down.
That said, I see nothing wrong with eradicating bullies. We don’t need to build up our collective resistance to “predators” if there are fewer of them to contend with.
I credit my vivid and entertaining revenge and murder fantasies to all the bullying I faced as a kid. What a drab world I would live in if I didn’t have my imaginary wall to line people up against!
I agree, kids can learn to handle criticism and conflict in many other ways. Through getting a bad grade, disagreeing with a classmate, wanting to cut in line at the cafeteria but not being allowed, losing a baseball game, not being invited to a birthday party, and many other situations. Some of these situations are difficult, but nothing with physical violence, and learning how to deal with these situations well will help the kid in future situations.
Some kids are bullied and might come out better for it. But some of those kids might have come out even better if they hadn’t been using so much of their time and energy trying to avoid or figure out how to deal with bullies, and instead had been using their time with friends or reading or practicing sports or whatever else.
I faced adversity in my life, I’ve had many times when I’ve had to survive on my own with few resources, no help, and no idea what I’m doing. It forced me to make tough choices, to get by with very little, to keep trying, believe in myself, and appreciate what little I did have. I’ve overcome (at different times) being homeless, losing my job, losing my house, having my wife leave and take my child, and so on. That kind of adversity toughened me up (I believe), taught me self-reliance, made me very philosophical and patient, and helps put small problems in perspective.
I was also bullied a lot when I was young. That did nothing good for me. A drill sergeant or a strict parent are trying to build you up with “tough love”. Bullies are trying to break you down because that is how they cope with their own inadequacies. They find what they see as a weakness that they can exploit and will do so. They cause damage and that’s all.
Now, how you recover from that damage can make you stronger, the way that physical therapy after a physical injury could (in the long run) make you stronger (in theory) but in the same way that a broken leg doesn’t make you a better athlete, a bully doesn’t make you a better person.
Last I checked, all available research indicates there is no “upside” to having been bullied. This results in lifelong depression, anxiety, and generally reduced performance in any number of arenas that are harder to quantify. These afflictions are usually permanent, and if a person does emerge as a functional adult it is despite the bullying and in no way because of it.
I would be surprised if anyone at all came out of the experience as stronger or more competent than they otherwise would have been… It simply doesn’t happen.
It sounds like we may have different concepts of ‘bullying’. Physical violence is only part of the spectrum of bullying behaviours (and at that end of the spectrum, I agree there’s not much scope for the victim to develop useful skills whilst coping.
For other parts of the spectrum, there are skills that can be learned and applied, that have more general use (for example, assertiveness, which is useful if you are dealing with a social bully, an aggressive dog, or an asshole colleague)
Also, in case it wasn’t really clear to everyone who only quoted selected parts of my post to respond to, nothing I said was an argument in general favour of bullying. If there are positives, the net effect is still negative.
I’ll help you out here because I like to voice unpopular opinions. There is something to be said for using bullying in some cases. It is the practice of drill sergeants in military basic training to toughen up recruits. Of course they are adults, it’s not real bullying, it’s a controlled practice, and even then you might piss of the wrong private and he’ll put a bullet through your head. But there is some legitimate use of toughening up in certain circumstances.
However, the OP is simply wrong-headed to believe that bullying as social behavior has any benefit.
I agree. My only point was that a minority of individuals will retrospectively view being bullied as one of the things that made them stronger. That is not the same as an argument in favour of bullying.
Society has evolved to the point where most meaningful work requires intellect, rather than brawn. Aptitude in math, science, technology is more critical than having pure physical strength.
So now more than ever, we need people with the skill and experience to coerce and intimidate nerds into performing complex, productive tasks.
Unfortunately, we have removed every reasonably effective way of dealing with them legally.
Whatever you do, you’re going to have a conviction. Once you accept that, you can deal with them effectively.
This simp,y isn’t true, in my experience. We don’t need to ‘accept’ physical violence to lessen bullying. We do need to ensure that students who are bullied are not further victimized by adults telling the, to ‘suck it ip’ or ‘take it like a man’ or whatever.
That’s a little like a Christian apology for evil: without evil, how would we ever know moral courage?
The response is: maybe just a little. If bullying stopped at the occasional trick or taunt – short-sheeting your roommate’s bed – then you might have a case. Kids can tease each other, and that probably is instrumental in making them able to work together as a society.
But how does the Christian defend hellish birth defects, or earthquakes that kill thousands, or genocide? Those evils go vastly beyond any “need” for humans to develop a moral sense.
And so with bullying. A little teasing? Part of growing up. Being stalked, shoved into urinals, having your lunch money stolen, having your pants taken away? Goes way too far.
