My intent isn’t to junior mod here, but rather to hightlight the ‘profile’ of the whole chronic tardiness thing issue.
You … who grudgingly deal with it … are not alone:
I’m sure that applies to many folks.
My GF wants to be on time. But somehow “something” always comes up. Even then, the actual interruption is 5 minutes, and the lateness is 30. The interruption gets the blame, but it’s not the root cause.
IMO it stems from some combo of inaccurate memory of how long things take, and ignoring some of the steps. She’ll remember to include the drive time, but not the 10 minutes to find a parking spot 3 blocks away nor the 5 minutes to walk from the spot to the venue.
Ultimately, you’re right that it’s an undisciplined approach to a soluble problem. Or they don’t give a shit. But I doubt it’s quite that for everyone.
Re Late
My Brother in law deals with this by driving separately. He leaves to be a little early and his wife comes when she can get there. He says it has saved him TONS of angst
That is my wife’s time blindness. She consistently thinks it will take her less to to get ready than it does and that travel is less time than it is, let alone allowing for unexpected delays that are common.
Again at this point it is my issue to just accept this as reality. I understand she was the same way as a little kid.
Yeah. I don’t get it.
My wife and I are punctual to the point of being annoying. But my wife sets her bed side clock ahead 15 minutes. I put my foot down though. All the other clocks are generally accurate to about a minute.
I does bug me though. I just never trust her bedside clock. Who knows if it’s right or not. I just ignore it.
This was us preparing to leave for a vacation, when the kids were little. I was the one who 1) planned the trip 2) made the hotel reservations 3) who packed for the kids 4) made sure the pets were present and accounted for with all supplies ready for the pet sitter. 6) made sure the house was tidy before leaving 7) prepped snacks and drinks for the road trip
While I was deep in a task, he would mosey over and recite what he packed for himself, then would pace about and moan about the time. Always prematurely grabbing bags to load, no not ready yet if it’s zipped up take it. Otherwise leave it I would have to suggest he 1) get the cooler out from the garage 2) fill the cooler with the stuff I already set out on the counter. 3) STFU and drive the vehicle.
I’ve enjoyed our digression on timeliness. But having started in on @DavidNRockies cite upthread, there’s so much there for each of us to learn from. Whether we’re extra punctual, extra late, or coping with someone whose either of the above, that thread is a great long course in human nature.
We’re not married but the GF and I are cohabitants several days a week and at times her wake-up methods irritate me because they are counterproductive and inconvenient. We’re generally late risers but when having to wake to an alarm, an early alarm, she insists on setting it early and then hitting the snooze a several times in succession. My attempts to explain ( and not in a snarky mansplaining manner incidentally ) that this snooze-fest deprives me ( and her ) of much needed rest by lopping off 30+ minutes of quality sleep time that could have been had if we’d just rise to the alarm and get moving are just blah-blah-blah to her: She claims she “needs to” wake in that manner because she likes to wake up slowly.
Yeah, the snooze vs no-snooze battle, like the thermostat battle, is unwinnable. No matter which side you’re on.
These are Immutable Facts of your/their character and the other’s choices are to adapt, die, or leave.
How would one of those “dawn lights” work for the gradual wake up hit the snooze button people?
My wife and I are just different body clocks. That’s not an argument though.
Our solution when I need to rise early is: I use the third-party Sleep Cycle app on my Apple Watch to wake me by vibration when I first move within a configured period prior to a configured time (e.g. 5:40 to 6:00; when I move at 5:49 the watch wakes me; if I have not moved by 6:00 the watch wakes me then). That function means I almost always get woken in a light sleep phase which means I am not woozy on leaving the bed. Being woken by vibration means I can leave the bedroom without my wife waking up.
Even without a sleep phase app your GF could indulge in snoozing a vibration alarm on her smartwatch to her heart’s content without waking you.
Very interesting!
My ex-wife would do that for hours. Her Mother and I would sit around and talk and laugh about it.
I have some issues with time blindness, but I have enough anxiety about meeting people that I’m usually on time for things.
My husband routinely tells me when he’s going to be home and then blows past the deadline. (Today it was “6:15.” I’m not holding my breath.)
But the thing that really gets my goat is that we all agree together what time we’re going to leave the house. I get ready on time, and at the designated time for us to leave, he promptly goes and spends 20 minutes in the bathroom.
We have the same issue, but it’s mostly because when I say “let’s leave at 11” I mean “11.01 is late,” whereas he means “oh, somewhere in that 10.45–11.15 range, more or less.” He’s perfectly capable of being on time for things (usually early for everything), but we just think about it differently.
Are we married to the same person? Why does yours blow by the deadline ? mine would have some problem at work that would keep hom later and would swear that iif he called to tell me he was late, it would make him even later. This was pre-cell phone but I never understood how a 30 second phone call would make him more than a minute later.
After 30 years I’m well aware that when Ms. P is “about to leave” the office it could be anywhere from 5 minutes to a couple of hours. In her case it’s an anxiety issue. Kids are grown and flown, so it really isn’t an issue anymore.
He just gets focused on work, or something urgent comes up, or something that feels urgent comes up (colleague requests a phone call or something.)
He has a job where clients in crisis are not uncommon, so sometimes it is genuinely that. And though I find it frustrating, I certainly can’t blame him for choosing to focus on a person having a psychological crisis.
But sometimes it’s just that he’s slow at doing paperwork.
One of the difficulties of our relationship is that his job is emotionally demanding and he has to tend to people’s feelings all day, which often results in him not having much empathy left over at the end of the day. What he has left, he gives to our son. Which isn’t to say he’s typically unkind. He’s a very kind person. He’s just worn out. Except in cases of genuine crisis, I try not to bother him with my emotional problems (in all fairness, I don’t have many emotional problems left.)
Sharing a chronic lateness spouse…I’ve observed that the “something comes up” pattern is used as a means to externalize blame and somehow think that it makes it socially excusable when others accept the excuse out of social politeness. Her: “Oh, traffic was so bad”. Other person: Nods in sympathy and politeness but internalizes the irritation. She’ll blame the clinic and be angry at them, for example, for not rearranging start times and bumping other appts to accommodate her lateness.
I also carpooled where one of the people was always always always 5-15 minutes late because of “something”. We voted and instituted a “leaving on the second hand” policy and she got left behind two or three times before quitting the carpool.
The way it usually works for me is that I’m always behind the time I wanted to leave, but the time I wanted to leave was earlier than strictly necessary, so I end up getting there later than I wanted to, but still on time.