All the dad books suck balls. The only one I wasn’t embarrassed to give to my husband to read is The Expectant Father - it’s a bit out of date and pretty prescriptive about what women are and are not supposed to do, but I think it made him feel better to see “yes/no”.
The cloth diaper book I wanted to hand him had the MOST INSULTING section about “for dads!” all on how if he’s reluctant you can tell him you’re saving enough to buy a big screen TV and that you should leave the book with a bookmark in that chapter in one of his “favorite places”, like by the remote or in the bathroom.
That’s such a shame. The women I still know are all educated mature moms and I feel lucky to have them.
I think the book for men should say “your wife is nutty. Just accept it.” Lol
I’ve gotta point out that my husband was 100% uninterested in knowing anything about my pregnancy except approximately when he would be required to–gasp–take time off of work to drive me to the hospital. In every other way he’s loving, concerned, involved, and a complete lovemuffin. Men just aren’t interested in pregnancy the way women are.
I’m encountering that, too. He’s a great guy, but he’s not one of those who goes into protective husband mode when the wife is knocked up. I have some friends whose husbands immediately started offering to do everything, and insisting that mom-to-be take it easy. Meanwhile I’m out there shoveling the driveway and he seems annoyed when I come in after doing half of it and ask him for help because I’m getting worn out and sore.
I feel weird about it, because while I don’t want to be treated like an invalid, I could really use more help with some things. And I feel like a jerk for having to ask all the time. I wonder if it’s because I’m not showing very much, so the “pregnant wife” button hasn’t really clicked for him yet? But I guess if there’s a chance he’ll be like this the whole way, I’ll just need to get better at asking. Some days when I’m feeling hormonal and grumpy, I want to print out a “50 nice things you could be doing for your pregnant wife” list and tape it to his head. But then the hormones subside and rationality prevails. For now.
[QUOTE=Antigen]
Oh gods, the roller coaster of tears! I had a meltdown on the way to visit a daycare center last week. I could not handle the fact that I haven’t even met this kid yet and I’m deciding where to dump him or her when I go back to work. Guilt and sadness and anger at the maternity leave situation: tears. My husband was confused but attempted to be supportive. Is there a useful guide out there on how to survive your wife’s pregnancy? I’m afraid I may send him into hiding if this keeps up.
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I’m so, so sorry your leave situation sucks. I really wish I could share a bit with you. And I’ll stop being all envious that the friends left behind in Norway have 52 weeks to my “only” 34 in my present home.
I’m getting really annoyed with myself. I’m being irrational and petty about stupid shit. Sometimes I hear my voice and I’m horrified at the tone I just used to my husband. He’s a big sweetheart about it, but I hate myself for being all psycho-pregnant and mean.
In other news, I think I felt movement today. Felt like a knuckle popping in my gut, unlike anything else I’ve ever felt there. We also went in for another listen to the heartbeat. I guess if it doesn’t feel “real” now, I’ll have to wait for that first poopy diaper.
Antigen, have you told him that? Not just that you need help with specifically this this and this but that you feel really crappy and really need him to be taking up slack and finding ways to help you without being asked?
Mine has been super great about the whole thing - I can’t even go into the kitchen sometimes and he’s taken on the dishes and everything without being asked, but he’s starting to get just a leeeetle bit snappish about it. I mean, I’ve been really lazy, I admit. But I’m so tired, and I’ve felt so sick! I’m afraid I might be taking him just a smidge for granted though. (He won’t read the books though! Or interview doulas with me! And I know it’s just the way I operate, that I have to read ALL the books and do ALL the research and he’s more “Eh, it’ll be fine, we’ll figure it out”, but even though I know that’s just a difference in the way we approach things it’s hard for me not to take it as YOU AREN’T TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY ENOUGH I HAVE A THING INSIDE ME AND ONE DAY IT IS COMING OUT!)
The doula is really just for you, I think it’s fine that he doesn’t want to interview with you. It’s really all about you as far as a doula is concerned.
Sort of? But I’m not very good at being direct when asking for help, and he’s not at all good at picking up on cues. I need to try harder.
You are married to my husband. Weird.
It’s nice sometimes to have a reassuring “we’ll figure it out” in response to my meltdowns, but some days that just comes off as dismissive. Like when I was bawling about daycare this week. Doesn’t he know how important it is and how much it’s killing me to know I’m going back to work so quickly in the first place? I haven’t even had this baby yet and we’re picking a person to dump him or her with when I go back to work and I don’t want to go back to work and I feel so guilty already and where’s my hug? This is the part where you hug me! Sigh. I’m a high-strung planner, while he’s a relaxed “why worry” guy. Different approaches and different languages! I wish I knew how to approach things so that he’d understand what I’m getting at and figure out what I need.
We’re a really solid team and I know we can do this. But getting my needs met is hard when I can’t always pinpoint what they are, and I can’t always convey them to my husband.
I love my husband so much. He may not be as worried as I am, and he may not be as into the pregnancy stuff as I am - but he had figured out all the correct reassuring noises to make, and he takes the time to show me he cares. Like, he’s not into this whole “I need to stay healthy for the baby, supplements, workout, varied diet, drink enough water”-carousel I’ve stuck myself on - but he pays attention. And today he noticed I was really stressed when I left for work, so he found me later and handed me the pre-natal vitamin I’d forgotten about. Little things like that.
Oh, and he’s nesting like crazy - I didn’t even have to plan a thing before he went and got a car seat, a changing table/drawer combination, and picked up a bunch of barely-used newborn clothes from a friend who was giving it away (we’re going second-hand for baby-clothes as much as possible. Seems like a waste to buy new stuff he/she’ll grow out of in weeks, you know?).
It depends on what you like. If you aren’t really into baby clothes or if money is tight and you’d rather spend it somewhere else, then yeah. I really DO love clothes, for my daughter even more than for myself, so I’ve always spent in that department and, now that it looks like I may not be able to have another, I’m so glad I did.
My advice is to always raise your baby as if there won’t be another. Enjoy them 100%.
I was like this, and while there are a few things I wish I would have ponied up the cash for (a boppy for breastfeeding tops that list, but $40 for a pillow seemed extravagant), for the most part, the kids barely used the things we did buy them. We were able to borrow or get hand me downs for a lot of things - including the infant swing. And while our budget has never been tight, I’m a saver - my kids had a fully funded four year college fund before they were in high school - in part because the money that could have been used to dress my kids up or buy toys they played with for two minutes went into college funds.
I figure we’re going to get SOOOO much in the way of clothes as gifts, you know? My parents are going to go apeshit. People always get you clothes, especially stuff that isn’t on your registry.
I’m thinking the one thing I want that people won’t get me is going to be cloth diapers. My parents’ friends are probably not going to go to the far corners of the Internet to find the stuff I want, and I’ve heard that unless the giver did cloth it’s just not something they ever give you. So we might have to buy some of those. But other than car seat and crib, please bring on the used stuff!
(And as for cribs, you know they’re all required to have the same safety standards? IKEA has one for like 80 bucks. I saw some for upwards of two grand at the baby store. W. T. F.?!)
[QUOTE=Septima]
It depends on what you like. If you aren’t really into baby clothes or if money is tight and you’d rather spend it somewhere else, then yeah. I really DO love clothes, for my daughter even more than for myself, so I’ve always spent in that department and, now that it looks like I may not be able to have another, I’m so glad I did.
My advice is to always raise your baby as if there won’t be another. Enjoy them 100%.
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I’m actually a bit on the fence about having more than one anyway, so we’re going in with the mindset that there will be only the one.
Oh, and I’ll totally be spoiling the little thing later on, but the stuff we’re getting second-hand is soo cute. A lot of clothes husband brought home still had tags on, and is super cute. And our childed friends have started giving us things - we got a “level 1 human” onesie (with grappling bonus!) and a teeny littly Star Trek uniform. And a little tiger hat that says GRRR and…we feel loved here, is what I’m saying.
And I bought a onesie with a dinosaur on that says “Grumposaurus Rex”, because how cute is that!
But we’re focusing on “easy to put on, easy to wear, easy to wash” for now, and especially for everyday stuff. Aparantly, babies go through a lot of clothes.
My Dad’s first gift to his unborn grandkid was a Starfleet Academy Cadet onesie. Nerd babies unite!
We’re accumulating as much used stuff as possible, too. A friend is giving us a swing, Pack&Play, carseat (I’ll check that it’s safe to use before deciding to keep it), and a floor “gym.” Another is giving us a bassinet, diaper genie, and stroller. I’ve started a registry because I know people will want to get us stuff, but I’d be just as happy cruising yard sales in the spring and seeing what I can find. My friend is pregnant with her third right now, about a month behind me, and since she has one of each already she’s hoping to have the opposite of whatever I’m having so she can unload all her baby clothes on me. Yay!
We went all-Ikea for the nursery. A crib ($99), a changing table ($60, but since shabby used ones were selling around $40 on Craigslist, I figured what the hell), and a small bookcase ($30). I may splurge on a comfy recliner or glider-rocker, mostly because I’ve wanted one for the living room for ages anyway, and I’d get to use it plenty after baby.
Baby stuff is expensive. If I can save on some of that stuff, I can use the money for things like music lessons or sports later on, which I think is so much more important than having brand new clothes at 6 months old.
Good for you. You will be amazed by how fast time flies. There is no need to go all out on furniture you will only use for two years if that.
We bought a decent crib and I got a crib tent to keep the cats away from her. She didn’t sleep ONE night in that crib.
She would just scream anytime shed was in there. If she was asleep and I put her down she would instantly wake up and scream.
I ended up getting a futon mattress and she slept on that after she outgrew the basinette.
Between people giving me hand me downs and family buying clothes I barely had to buy any clothes for her for three years.
One thing you should tell people is to please buy clothes for different sizes. That way you don’t have thirty two month old onesies and then have nothing after that.
[QUOTE=Zsofia]
I figure we’re going to get SOOOO much in the way of clothes as gifts, you know? My parents are going to go apeshit. People always get you clothes, especially stuff that isn’t on your registry.
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This will be the first and maybe only grandchild on both sides. I’m scared.
