Forasmuch as thou hast offended me …
Mayest thou stub thy toe; yea, most grievously mayest thou stub it.
May the stars of heaven observe thee, and snicker. May thy knees swell mightily, even unto the size of watermelons. Mayest thou lisp.
Let the telephone marketers of all the world be as a buzzing perpetual in thine ears. Mayest thou be the butt of the humour of small children.
Mayest thou develop a slight, nagging itch in thy crotch. As thou scratchest it, mayest thou realise that thou art being televised live to an audience of millions.
May typhoons strike thy home; may meteorites strike thy pets; and may hiccoughs strike thine aunt.
To the utmost ends of the world, yea, even unto Pittsburgh, may thy creditors pursue thee. If thou hast no creditors, mayest thou acquire creditors. May thy creditors be seven feet tall, and weigh two hundred and fifty pounds, and be named “Bo.”
Let the flowers that delight thy nose wither. Mayest thy toaster always overcook thy bread. Mayest thy cheese develop mould, and thy beans small, suspicious-looking hair. May thy gherkins leak.
An hundred years after thy death, yea, even a thousand, may people hear thy name and think, “Verily, he was a right rutabaga.” Mayest Congress pass laws against thee.
Drat thee.
