Ah, yes. Pet Peeves about driving. A subject near and dear to my heart. Although my apartment lease, I’m reliably informed by the lease-holder who has legally sublet the thing to me at no cost (job bennie), prohibits having any pets at all, I flout that restriction and have a few. Here they are, categorized. (Yeah, I know; one might consider that OCD, but I can’t help it…wait, that kind of removes the “might” from that comment, doesn’t it?)
[ul][li]Car and Truck Drivers[/li][list][li]Tailgaters. Look, jackasses. It’s dangerous. I don’t care how good of a driver you believe you are. I don’t care how awesome you think your damn pick-up truck or ugly souped up car (aside: when did souping up a car change into requiring the car be made ugly as sin?) or even how completely unaware of simply physics you are. Not only do I not care, the law doesn’t care either. Come to think of it, both man-made law and the laws of physics don’t care. DON’T TAILGATE.[/li][li]California Stop. Nope, not even in California is this permitted. You see that cute red sign with the funny shape? Oh, you don’t know what that shape is? Let me introduce you to some elementary school geometry. It’s an octagon. IT MEANS STOP! It doesn’t mean stop if you feel like it pretty please with sugar on top. It doesn’t mean stop because you momentarily confused the brake with the accelerator (thereby going against the current flubs that seem to make the news more often nowadays than when I was a beginning driver). IT MEANS STOP! Pull your head out of your posterior (I heartily recommend this so you can see what’s happening outside of your butt), pay attention to your surroundings, and STOP THE VEHICLE![/li][li]Traffic Circle Clueless Ones. Yep, that cool sign that you evidently think is suggesting everyone get involved in recyling and thus you’ve decided to stop just for the fun of it is not what you seem to think it means. It’s an advisory sign. It’s advising you that you are (a) entering a traffic circle or (b) are already in one such traffic control device. (Don’t ask me how the moron got into the traffic circle without realizing it in the first place.)[/li][li]Green Light Jumpers. Look, jackass. It doesn’t matter how short your attention span is. It doesn’t matter how little, if any, patience you happen to have at the moment. That nifty red traffic light which has been red for about 20 seconds (possibly 15 to 17 seconds longer than the time it takes you to ejaculate) will change to the green light on schedule. Just because your incompetence in the sack can be measured in nanoseconds does not mean that you have to prove your manhood to all and sundry by revving your engine and jumping the light when you think the thing should’ve changed. Unlike you, the traffic light is not in need of psychiatric and/or psychological help. The traffic light does not have an inferiority complex–to be fair, in the traffic light’s case, it would be an inferiority comples; in yours, though, it’s an inferiority simplex, or better yet, an inferiority reality. Just so you know, jumping the light is not only illegal, it’s dangerous. DON’T DO IT! And, maybe, just maybe, your girlfriend and/or sister (perhaps they’re one and the same; I’m not judging you on that, I’m observing your lousy behavior) will benefit from you learning some patience.[/li][li]Turn signals. USE THEM![/ul][/li][li]Motorcyclists[/li][ul][li]Yes, I get that motorbikes are cool. I like them, also. That does not mean that it’s cool to drive the things on the sidewalk. It does not mean that you can blow through a controlled intersection as though there’s no traffic control. It certainly does not mean that it’s okay to navigate your motorbike through pedestrian traffic when said pedestrian traffic happens to be crossing the street legally.[/li][li]Did you see what I mentioned above about tailgaters? Guess what. That applies to you, too. Just because your bike is a lot lighter than a real car (as opposed to the Chevrolet Metro I used to drive), that does not give you license to ride a couple of inches behind a car/truck/half-dead donkey. Any one of the aforementioned vehicles/critter can stop unexpectedly. And if you happen to ram your head up the donkey’s anus, that would be Sweet Justice[sup]TM[/sup].[/li][li]Traffic Laws, Rules, and Regulations. Yep, they apply to you and your vehicle. Accept the fact.[/ul][/li][li]Bicyclists (Yeah, I know, this is going to generate a whole Pit thread all by itself, no doubt)[/li][ul][li]Yep. You and your bicycle are also subject to traffic regulations. Your bicycle is a vehicle. Don’t like it? As we used to say in the Navy: TDB. That’s shorthand for TOO DAMN BAD![/li][li]Keeping your dislikes in mind (as in reminding you TDB), yep, you really do have to stop at that stop sign, you really do have to stop and…oh, no!..wait at that red light. You really do have to pay attention to your surroundings.[/li][li]Do you see those nifty blinking lights on some, perhaps even many, of the cars in front of you? Do you see how the vehicle with the blinking light on its right side seemingly moves by magic one lane to the right? Do you see how another vehicle with its blinking light on its left side also moved as though Scotty Himself (may he rest in peace in the future (since he hasn’t died yet, what with him not even being born yet)) transported it there with only the finesse that he could muster? Well, you blithering moron, it’s not magic. THE DRIVER DID IT ON PURPOSE! That means, that, yes, you too can manage to give turn signals. Yes, I know it’s scary and oh so hard for you, but it’s okay. It’s not going to be scary that long. USE YOUR HANDS FOR TURN SIGNALS LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO! And if you happen to have a conniption fit because you can’t manage that, then, guess what. DON’T RIDE A BIKE![/li][li]You see that guy with no car around his body? Do you see that lady with no motorcycle between his legs (Quiet, you!)? Do you see that other person with no bicycle in the immediate vicinity of his person as in under his posterior? Okay, I know it’s hard for you to manage to see any of them with your head up your butt. Let’s just pretend you managed to somehow get yourself into a semi-upright position and also happen to be facing forward. Those individuals are what we in the know usually refer to as pedestrians. Yep, those are the people you are supposed to not run over when they are crossing the street legally. They are the people you are not supposed to wait until you’re a silly millimeter behind and then blare your bike horn to create a scatological event for your twisted amusement. If it’s legal in your community to ride your bike on the sidewalk, do so in a safe and responsible manner. If it’s not legal, then get off the thing and walk it. If you can’t manage to do that, then, again, perhaps you shouldn’t be riding a bike in the first place.[/li][li]Mary Poppins Bikers. Okay, I have no idea why, when, or how this got to be so popular. Look, dribbling buffoon. You are not Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins was not real. Her umbrella really could not lift her in guided flight and take her safely to her intended destination. Your umbrella, on the other hand, if you ride your bike with your umbrella in the open position and held above you, will cause three things to happen:[/li][list][li]Greatly decrease control of your vehicle. (Yes, a bicycle is a vehicle. Don’t like it being referred to a such? TDB!)[/li][li]A good gust of wind will not lift you like Mary Poppins and cutely take you somewhere nice, warm, and cozy. IT WILL BLOW YOU AND YOUR CRUDDY BIKE OVER![/li][li]It will cause me to injure myself because I’ll be laughing too hard to breathe.[/ul][/li][li]Ninja Bikers. Yeah, I know. Some people like Goth clothing. Well, I like some black clothing. I even wear all black on the odd occasion when it’s required. News Flash, you lobotomy experiment: RIDING A BIKE AT MIDNIGHT ON A DARK AND RAINY DAY IS NOT THE TIME TO BE WEARING ALL BLACK! Well, maybe it is if you want to die on a dark and rainy night. Otherwise, wear some brighter clothing and put some lights and reflectors on your vehicle. (Yep, the bike is still a vehicle. TDB.)[/list][/li][li]Pedestrians[/li][ul][li]Just because you’re not on or in a vehicle, nor even have your body from the neck down sticking out of the aforementioned half-dead donkey’s posterior does not mean that you can sashay wherever the Spirit moves you. You must also obey certain traffic control devices. One such device happens to be the cute little “standing man/walking man/running like the law’s after him man” (Okay, I made up the last part of that device, but it would be cool, wouldn’t it?) light. If the standing man light is on, that means you STAND and wait for his buddy, the walking man light, to appear. You don’t blithely walk into traffic hoping that the traffic will disobey the laws of physics and stop instantaneously so they don’t kill you thereby removing you from the gene pool, probably after you’ve polluted the pool thus inflicting your stupidity on future generations.[/li][li]Do you see that cool thing with the concrete squares that are amazingly placed beside the road? Yeah, that’s called a sidewalk. Walk there. Don’t walk in the road.[/li][li]If you do happen to need to cross the road. LOOK! Don’t walk into the road while looking to your right when the traffic’s coming at you from the left. Even if you’re crossing over a bike path, that applies to. LOOK AT TRAFFIC BEFORE YOU WALK INTO TRAFFIC! Of course, maybe you’re the cousin/sister/mother/maybe all one and the same, of the suicidal maniac referred to above. If so, go for it. BUT DON’T GET MAD AT ME WHEN I COLLIDE WITH YOU![/li]Don’t dress like a Ninja at night and wonder if it’s just maybe possible that nobody can see your dumb ass, you ass, while you’re walking down the middle of the street. Heck, don’t walk down the middle of the street in the first place. Plan ahead. Wear something that will make you a more visible [del]target[/del] object and make it more likely that a vehicle (yes, that includes bicycles) can [del]run you down[/del] avoid hitting you more easily.[/ul][/list]