Here are some handy-dandy tips for the FUCKWADS I got the displeasure of sharing the road with today at lunch:
[ul][li]The left lane is for passing, not pacing. Do not create a mobile road block, or be forewarned I’ve got first gear and gas for two cars, and fucker, I’m right behind you. (And yes, there’s a reason I’m riding your bumper - YOU’RE AN IDIOT! MOVE OVER!)[/li]
[li]You may turn right into either lane of traffic in your direction. I understand you needed to make a right, and then make a left within a few hundred feet, but what that means, dipshit, is that you wait until both lanes of traffic are clear, not just the one I’m in - you know, when you pulled out RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, and then SLOWED DOWN because you needed to get into the left hand lane, the same lane you COULD have turned RIGHT INTO if you’d wait for BOTH lanes to be clear. YOU ARE THE REASON ACCIDENTS HAPPEN! I’m sure I and the three cars behind me who had to SLAM ON THEIR BRAKES while you were SLOWING DOWN to pull over one more lane would agree.[/li]
[li]Merge with traffic smoothly while maintaing speed. I slowed down, because I saw you coming. So what do you do? SLOW DOWN AS WELL? WTF? And then, when I realize you’re a stupid fuck and start to speed up (since obviously it’s some kind of moral imperative that you NOT pull smoothly into the space I just provided you), what do you do? SPEED UP! Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ in a g-string on a pogo stick, DO NOT STOP WHILE YOU ARE MERGING![/li]
[li]The gas pedal makes your car accelerate. Perhaps President Carter hasn’t yet lifted the restrictions in your little reality, but 'round these parts, we actually USE THE GAS PEDAL when we want our car to MOVE. Yes, I know you’re lost/talking on your cell phone/putting on your makeup/not in a hurry/out for a Sunday drive/were put on this planet to PISS ME THE FUCK OFF, but normally when one gets into one’s car and gets on the road, one wishes to actually GO SOMEWHERE, so do us all a fucking favor and GO, YOU FUCKFACE![/ul][/li]
I hope these tips will prove helpful to those who need them.
I give it an 8. It’s got a great beat, and you can dance to it!
(By the way, this was my favorite: “Yes, I know you [snip] were put on this planet to PISS ME THE FUCK OFF”. That takes some mad skillz to be able to drop that beauty into a rant in just the right way.)
esprix, mega-hell-yes to all your observations! Good overall rant quality too, I’d rate it a 9.3
I would like you to be aware though, of this post by Airman Doors, USAF, which degenerated into the most mindfuckingly tedious nitpickfest * between people of your & AD’s & my thinking, and the “I Can Drive In Any Lane I Want” crowd… yes, it started out as a simple rant about Morons Who Can’t Merge, but it got seriously side-tracked/hijacked. So beware!
at one point, certain Fuckwits (god i love that term!) were even quoting - get this - Vehicle Codes!!
At the time, I got rather heated at the brick-headedness of some of the post’ers, started composing a serious rant, which took me days, it ran up a couple pages worth… and I never posted it… (& now you know why I’m more of a lurker than a post’er).
Anyway let’s see if the “special ones” care to offer similar rebuttals to your remarks, and if your thread follows the same path as that other one did, perhaps later I’ll go dig out
::creaking door::
my rather lengthy never-sent comments & offer them some of them up.
(…yeah, OK, here it comes, I know: <sarcasm> oh PLEEEEASE share your wisdom with us, pZott! We’re DYING for you to share your precious words of wisdom!! </sarcasm> Lay it on me, I can take it. I think…)
BTW, the length of this “quick” reply should indicate why I try to stick to lurking - I can’t write anything short, and I only check out the Boards when I’m -ahem- working –
I think there is one more to add to this from my driving experience:
ahem
YOU MOTHERFUCKING PINHEADED INBRED JERRY SPRINGER GUEST FROM THE LOW RENT AREA OF HELL, when you are going to change lanes:
USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL!
I do not need to become one with my Geo Metro because you, in you infinite lack of wisdom, choose to both not use your turn signal and TO NOT FUCKING LOOK TO THE LANE YOU ARE TURNING IN BECAUSE IT WOULD BE TOO MUCH EFFORT!!!
And… if you ever give me the finger again and cuss me out from you vehicle again because of your ineptitude and lack of driving skill,
YOU WILL SEE THAT I AM 6’4", AND CAN STILL USE MY CANE TO KILL YOU!
Hehehehe…it’s so fun to read these sorts of rants and I don’t blame most of you for feeling the way you do.
I myself try to merge as early as possible, so I don’t have to worry about doing something that may piss off other drivers. heeh
I will say though that I think the reason why some people slow down while merging because they may be a bit cautious. Honestly, I can see slowing down, but stopping??? I dunno.
Maybe I’m just more patient with other drivers or something. But I don’t think I’d sympathize too much with those who STOP while merging because that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me unless NO ONE is behind you or will be anytime soon.
Here’s one for the pile: my all-time biggest driving pet peeve is right of way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encountered a slack-jawed primate, head lodged firmly in his ass, who doesn’t understand the right of way rules.
Listen, Chumley, we got to the four way stop at the same time, and I’m on the left. I must defer to you! Waving me on is not “being a nice guy”, it’s breaking the rules, and if you decide to jump into the intersection and ram me, I will be in the wrong for going first, understand?
Even worse, and this happens all the time: stop signs are north/south, but not east/west. I’m driving west, have my signal on to turn left, and a car is approaching east. I stop, to let him go, because (DUH!) I don’t have the right of way. But this cretin stops where there is no sign, waiting for me to turn first. Christ Almighty, you fucking moron, you don’t have a stop sign! Do you have any idea how totally wrong it is for me to turn in front of you?! I don’t mind waiting when I don’t have the right of way! I’m sure you need to rush home and try to evolve thumbs, anyway! And good luck with that!
UGH. This kind of bullshit is the one thing that makes me scream aloud in my truck.
I used to carry a super soaker in my car. You know, one of those big-ass waterguns? Anyway… this dude cut me off on the road one day… and I pulled up next to him and soaked his car… you should have seen the look on his face. I highly recommend doing this!
A sociologist friend of mine once told me she thought the reason why people wave you on, even though it’s their turn to go, is because they are control freaks… not because they don’t know the traffic rules.
Esprix, people do dumb stuff sometimes. You’ll do it too, as will I. The time will come where you are responsible for holding up a whole queue of traffic due to a bad judgement call. And when that day comes, you’ll prefer that people like me rather than people like you are in that queue.
Lord knows that I am not exactly the slowest driver. There aren’t many I don’t want to get the hell out of my way when I’m in the fastest lane. But the one place you do not want to get irate about these things is when you’re in control of a one-tonne death machine.
Leave five minutes earlier to allow for the fact that somebody WILL hold you up. Listen to music and enjoy the song. Take a deep breath. Take it easy in the urban areas and put your foot down where possible on the main roads. Allow others to go first and don’t expect them to do the same for you. You’ll live longer and others might too. If we were all a bit more considerate then the roads wouldn’t be such hell in the first place.
Bad driving causes accidents. And bad driving can come from many different sources and causes. There’s no point in making yourself one of them.
Speaking of “World’s Most Perfect Driver”, there’s always people that come into threads like this and start beaking off about other drivers, with a string of accidents as long as my arm on their record. We all think that we’re the good driver, and everyone else is the moron. Guess what? We’re all the moron. And chances are, if you have a string of accidents to your name, you’re not a good driver.
Speaking as a decent driver, (I’ve had one ticket and been in one wreck that wasn’t my fault) my least favorite people are the snails.
If the fucking speed limit is 50mph, at least ATTEMPT to go above 30mph! If your car is not physically capable of going somewhere NEAR the posted speed limit, GET IN THE FAR RIGHT LANE, assgasket! Better yet, get off the damned road! I got stuck behind some shitbag last night, doing 27mph in a 50mph zone. In the left lane. Traffic speeding by in the right lane, at the correct speed limit, so of course I couldn’t even break into that lane. I was stuck behind this moron for 5 miles. Do you know how long 5 miles feels, going 27mph? When everyone else is whizzing past you at what seems to be the SPEED OF FUCKING LIGHT?
I normally don’t care. I meander my way around people who irritate me, I don’t flip the bird, and I don’t use my horn unless there’s a real need (i.e., impending crash). But there are certain times when people just need to get the hell off the road. And not just for my benefit, but for the safety and sanity of other drivers.
I really wish I had a bullhorn, or one of those light up message boards that streams short sentences. The phrases “MOVE IT, ASSMONKEY!” and “TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMNED BLINKER!” come to mind.
<slight hijack>
I drive a Metro and while I’m not over 6 feet tall, I can tell you that even if I was, there would be ample room for my legs. I can put the front seat all the way back as far as it will go and when I do, I can’t reach the pedals. I am 5’ 11" tall.
</slight hijack>
Re: idiots on their cell phones, I employ liberal use of the horn. I used to drive and talk, and on one occassion, did something stupid from not paying attention. The person behind me laid on the horn, and the person I was talking to thought I was an idiot. I’ll never drive and talk on the phone again. Now I make sure that other people know when they’re talking to someone who is simultaneously driving.
