To the blonde in the black Saab

Yes, I know you think you’re cute in your convertible and your baseball cap. And I almost forgave you for cutting me off when you discovered you were in the wrong lane…until I saw the cell phone you held up to your ear. Even then, I just muttered bad words under my breath.

But then you dangled your left arm out of the car while the right hand held the cell phone, and I realized there were no hands on the steering wheel. Unless, of course, you have a terrible mutation, in which case I apologize. But if you don’t have a third arm growing out of the center of your chest, then I don’t apologize for screaming at you to put at least one hand on the wheel.

But it really would have been funny if you had pulled out in front of that firetruck you didn’t hear because your conversation was so scintillating. Not for the firetruck and the people at the fire, but you all know what I mean.

Too bad there isn’t a number to call at the police station to report idiots like this, so they could send out a little letter telling you that you’d been caught being stupid, and warning you to shape up.

To the idiot kid in the Blazer.

Yeah, I know that you think having your hat on backwards makes you smarter. Yeah, I know that you think that you can do anything you like and never be hurt.

Here are some facts for you.

It is not a good idea to pass on the right on a two lane highway. Yep, we where just leaving town and getting up to speed. Yep, the road is a little wider there.

Notice that there where no white lines on the road? Just a double yellow down the middle? That means it’s a two lane road.

I was already going 5 miles over the 35 mph limit and moving up the the 50 mph limit. Shit we where all of 100 yards from the 25 mph limit enforced in town I have driven this road every day for the last 12 years. I do know what the fuck I’m doing. I suggest you learn how to drive.

To the Girl in the Red Trans-Am:

   Tailgateing me won't make me go faster, especially in an area known for speed traps. Besides, there happens to be a clear lane to our left, I hear that some people use that lane to pass other cars!

 Hey look therse a car comming up the on ramp, so I move over into the clear left lane to let him onto the highway. He's not getting onto the highway however, because Trans-Am girl is speeding up to pass me on the right, giving me a nasty look while she passes.


To the girl in the Cadillac Escalade.

Yes, I understand you are more important than the rest of us. Here we are, stuck northbound on the Turnpike, as people bug out of the coastal areas of Florida to avoid Hurricane Frances. People are waiting two hours in line to get gas, as there is such a service plaza on the Turnpike. I know you have more pressing things to do, as we lowly mortals inch along and you pass us on hyperspeed by driving on the shoulder. You probably didn’t even hear my ineffectual horn honk, did you?

Ah, but the gods smiled on Florida. Surely they felt some sympathy for the central Florida area, facing a one-two punch from Mother Nature. For who comes flying up behind you but one of Florida’s Finest, lights flashing and sirens blaring? And who pulls your sorry ass over, hopefully to give you a ticket for Arrogance and Hubris and Generally Driving Like a Dick?

Made my hour long drive home just a little bit more tolerable as I drove by you, and you sat dejectedly, realizing, perhaps, you are no better than the rest of us. Certainly a bit poorer after your hefty fine.

Ha ha, got yours, bitch, didn’t you?

To the asshat in the Subaru “Justy” (whatever the fuck THAT is):

So you’re poking along at 25 in a 40; well, okay, not everyone is driving a Corvette these days and your little piece of crap will probably only go from zero to 60 if it falls out of an airplane. Not everyone can afford a nice, new car but you could at least try to accelerate away from the light after it turns green, instead of doing whatever it is you are doing.

So I’ll pass you when traffic clears and consider it just a minor annoyance. Ah, but what’s this? As I go by and give a glance, I see that you’re reading a fucking magazine! While driving! Are you shitting me?!

To the girl from Ipanema:

To the babe in the red Miata:


Call me!

To the small our small town folks who never used a merge lane before. GO! GO! GO!

Yes you can turn right on red here. Yes I know this merge lane is only about 3 yrs old so it’s a new concept for your small-town-drivin mindframe.
But C’mon! You don’t need to sit there for 5 min waiting for traffic to be completly clear to pull out of the parking lot, there’s a merge lane for-the-love-of fuck!

Oh, to the babalicious gal in the black Focus. My number is 555-big-stud

To the dumbass in the SUV towing a trailer of branches to the town dump:

If you are going to be incapable of staying on your own side of the road when going around curves, then perhaps you should trim the branches so they don’t extend so far over the sides of your trailer. I know it may have been hard to notice that you forced my little car off the side of the road as I drove in the other direction, but for Og’s sake, how hard was it to notice the bright orange DOT monster dump truck you also ran off the road?
To the driver of the bright orange DOT monster dump truck:

I know there would have been paperwork involved, but how sweet it would have been if you stood your ground and let the SUV moron tear his trailer off on your vehicle?

To the charming fellow in the white Cherokee:

I’m already in the righthand lane, and there’s no exits for a while. And I really can’t go any faster than I am, considering there’s a car in front of me and that whole irritating physical law about two objects occupying the same place. Creeping up right on my ass is not going to help.

Nor, in fact, is pulling up next to me and trying to shove me off the road. Your middle finger is certainly long, but actively trying to sideswipe me, well. If you’d just been a jerk, I could’ve let it go. But if you’re being an actively murderous, dangerous, drunken jerk, I guess it’s my duty to call 911. And as there aren’t that many white Cherokees in Austin with New Mexico plates, I hope they find you and show you a little Texas hospitality before you get someone killed.

To the boys in the bright white sports car:
Who do you think you are??? And where did you get that car?

To the young turk in the import/ricer car:

I understand that this is a straight, easy stretch of road in the middle of nowhere with little traffic and obstacles. But see that lovely white sign over there with the numbers? Yeah - that’s the speed limit. It is 50; I am doing a few shy of 60. Not only is it completely annoying to approach me coming at around 75 and then opt to tailgate (more closely than I’ve EVER seen anyone do so before) rather than pass, but it is terribly dangerous. You passed me when you got the hint that I wouldn’t be playing Speed Racer, but there was no need for that smart-assed dirty look. There are children living in the houses near the road, as well as lots of deer in the surrounding forests, and I don’t think your lightspeed racing is really benefitting you or them. Since when is it okay to be pushing 80 on a residential road?

I am a better driver than you. I am also younger and smarter. My car is bigger and shinier than yours, and my mobile phone is sleeker and has better battery life. My destination is more important than yours, and I need to get there first. When you are as good a driver as I am, speed limits are only a suggestion for the weak-willed masses - they don’t apply to me. Now get out of my way.



That’s all I have to say.


Go on about your business.

To the asshole in the green truck:

Yes, I could see you approaching in my rear view mirror. You kept switching lanes, gaining a few car lengths at a time, until you were directly behind me. Didja wonder why I was slowing down and pulling over before I reached the upcoming intersection?

That’s because of the noise, you know, the sirens. So you pulled to the left and raced through the intersection(the light was green, but that’s no excuse).

You moron! You required an AMBULANCE to slow down! Of course I know that wherever you were going was more important than life and death, but what if that had been your mother they were speeding to aid? Oops, I forgot, bastards like you don’t have mothers. Self-centered bozos only have themselves. So what if it had been YOU?

Jerk! :mad:

Get up to the speed limit or get the fuck outta the way! No, I can’t pass your sorry ass – all the streets around here are two-lane solid-yellow-line winding country roads, and there’s NO safe places for passing (even if my aging Saturn had the acceleration to do it). No, I do NOT feel safer creeping along at a consistent 7.5 mph under the speed limit, whether it’s 45 or 25. No, I’m NOT a speed demon. I just want to drive at the rate posted for this particular stretch of road. So MOVE IT!

To all those whom:

Brake when approaching a red light or a corner of any type which requires a turn of the wheel. Cannot pass a left hand turning car on the right shoulder. Come up to a red light in the pole position without looking in the rear view mirror to recognize the car behind has their right hand light blinking; therefore you are unable to politely pull tightly up to the left hand lane letting said car turn without pointlessly waiting for said red light. Those who brake, slow, and come to a complete stop before remembering that the turning signal is meant to indicate all the actions you have already taken; besides the actual turn itself. You who ignore the existence of the conveniently located three mirrors; they are there for a reason. It is these people I find who drive slowly in the fast lane, never moving no matter how many people pass them on the right hand side. (It only takes one of you to cause a few kilometre backup on the 401.) Finally, to those who drive the speed limit, what is wrong with you? Either you have something to hide, are taking a drivers examination, or you are obviously far too insecure behind the wheel to be driving. When I follow behind you swerving like an F1 driver its because your going too slow.

To all of you I give a massive #$*@.

You know who you are.

With you on most of the stuff here but…

I’m not supposed to brake when approaching a red-light?

Yes, I admit, though I am loath to do it, however, it is demanded. But to those who brake when approaching a green light; well, I condemn you to bizarro world for there can be no excuse to excuse this behaviour.

I also forgot, all you who during the 2003 blackout, and any subsequent power outage, ignore the four-way-stop at the traffic intersection rule. Who just runs an intersection with no lights?!?