A while back, I posted asking how mad I should be at my surgeon who left me with drop foot following a spinal fusion. I received many nice answers which made plenty of sense. Perhaps you folks can do the same again.
I am as anxious as one could imagine over this drop foot. When I discovered it after my surgery, I was given the impression that it was no big deal and would be gone soon. It is now evident that in the world of nerve-healing, “soon” doesn’t mean what I would like to. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety issues years ago, along with major depression. This drop foot is feeding these monsters like nothing since my childhood.
My neurosurgeon has promised me that my drop foot will be gone by the end of October and all my remaining nerve issues (not the helaing fusion) by the end of this year. He offered no qualifiers, though I certainly expected him to. He said, “Jeff, this drop foot will be completely gone in two months.” This was almost two weeks ago. To me, this leaves little room for doubt.
This guy is highly-respected in a large metropolitan area. He has done hundreds of these surgeries and assurse me that he damaged nothing. The nerve study showed some L5 damage, but he says that it showed that the damaged area was “sleeping” and will slowly wake up. There was no crushing, stretching, or cutting of the nerve. Although he is not exactly certain what happened, he believes that the vibration from the installation of the rods and screws caused the problem, which he really and truly believes is minor. I’ve even seen the notes he has sent to other physicians describing my office visits. He continually refers to my prognosis as “good” and has written that there is no reason not to expect “100% recovery quire soon.”
All this sounds great, right? Right? So why do I worry about it every day? I got to PT (which my surgeon says will have absolutely no effect on my nerve recovery) and am disappointed everytime when there is no major (or even minor) recovery. How in the hell do I deal with this anxiety? Part of the deal is that one neurologist told me that I might not heal for 24 months – maybe never. My neurosurgeon explained this away by saying that guy was only looking at the EMG, not the big picture. In fact, the neurologist agrees that could be the case.
In any case, I am having a really tough time handling this. Any suggestions?
basset hound, it sounds to me like you need treatment for your anxiety, rather than for your drop foot. You say that you were diagnosed with anxiety and depression – are you currently being treated? If not, you should probably try to see a therapist since your anxiety is really bothering you. You might want to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, since it sounds like your problem right now is anxious thoughts. Have you read Feeling Good by David Burns, or any other book on CBT? They can give you some exercises to help deal with the kind of thoughts you’re having.
I have a real soft spot for basset hounds. I hope you feel better soon.
You speak the truth. After a six-month wait, I finally got in to see a decent psychiatrist here is town. After moving here a few years ago, I tried to find someone, but they all seemed to want me to fill out a 10-minute form, d/c the meds I had been on for years, and try the latest SSRI. I just couldn’t trust someone that quickly. I looked around for several weeks and found a well-respected doctor. Problem is, trying to get in with a good psychiatrist who sees adults is not easy. I saw this lady a week ago and she seemed to be someone I feel comfortable with. I am having all my records sent to her office.
In the meantime, she listened and talked me down from a bad place I was approaching. It was fortunate that I was seeing her when this situation arose. She is seeing me again in a month and we are discussing seeing a therapist.
I haven’t heard of the book, but will give it a shot. Thanks for your help. I have a soft spot for basset hounds to. The one that led to my name here is over 13 years old. When she leaves, I’ll really need help. I only hope that doesn’t happen anytime soon.
I remember the original thread and have been wondering how you’ve been doing 
Your neurologist – oy. He’s gotta quit making promises like that! But that’s another post.
As far as your anxiety goes - you definitely need to see someone for it and meds can be a tremendous help. The book SpoilerVirgin recommended is GREAT … you’ll have to do some writing but you’ll probably get a lot out of it.
If you need meds (in addition to the therapy that’s being set up for you) - do it! There are worse things than having to take a pill every day. That you’re having worse anxiety than usual sounds normal to me (IANAD, etc) – you’ve had major surgery! Pain is probably messing with you, the footdrop is definitely messing with you and you’re facing a lot of uncertainty at the moment.
I dig me some basset hounds too. We’re buying a house soon and PandaKid has been promised a puppy and a basset is on our short list of breeds.
Humans get drop foot, too? Well I hope you get better because I don’t think the mods would allow what is done with horses. Um, nothing personal. :eek:
This anxiety/depression thing really sucks. It’s become such a big deal to me (aside from the downright stinking thought of having drop foot for the rest of my life) due to some issues that occurred when I was a child. My adoptive father did some things which led me to swear that no one would damage my body if I had any say-so ever again. For more than 30 years, I’ve done my best to keep that promise to myself. Frankly, it’s dominated my thoughts and changed what might have been a much more successful person into one who has made that issue the focal point of my life.
Please don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m blaming anyone other than myself for what has happened. I’ve had numerous good breaks over the years but have been unable to muster the will and strength needed to break away from what happened years ago.
However, now that this has occurred, I feel mad at myself and as helpless as I can remember as an adult. I made the choice to have this surgery and now may have screwed my body up as a result. Others are much worse off, but that’s not the point. My life’s mission, as pathetic as it may appear, has been to keep myself safe from losing the one thing over which I have some control. Now it seems that I might have broken that promise to myself. Maybe not, though, is why I stick with the same neurosurgeon, even though he makes promises that seem a bit too good to be true. I need his word to be good. Without it, I have no hope. Hope is pretty much what is keeping me going right now.
I’ve seen a psychiatrist and therapists about this for years and it is really tough to talk about. The trust issues are near impossible to overcome. SSRIs make me feel “gray,” if that makes any sense, so taking them is almost like ending my life, such as it is right now. Perhaps tthis new psychiatrist can make a difference. I feel it all comes back to the drop foot problem again, though.
Times have not always been bad. I have a great wife and though I don’t experience joy very often (not her fault – get your minds out of the gutter),there has been enough happiness to make existence better than the option. Is that the case now? I don’t know – especially if this surgeon is lying to me and my drop foot is permanent. A reminder of my failure with every step I take? Tough for me to deal with.
Damn this situation. Damn, damn, damn. It’s hard to believe how bad things can seem until they get worse.
Bassett, the anxiety is magnifying things, do not let it control you. You had good reasons for getting a fusion, the drop foot DOES NOT negate that. A drop foot can be handled by a good ankle -foot orthosis, and although nerves take their own sweet time in healing, they can heal. It is important to note that the things that can prompt a spinal fusion ( like intractable pain) can be really hard to manage, a drop foot is an improvement, it can be managed mechanically.
I’d like to believe that. Is there really such a thing as a good AFO. The ones I’ve seen do nothing to bring back any level of athletic ability. Because of the nerve damage in my right foot, I can’t even wear a closed-toe shoe. It hurts like hell to wear a sock or pull a sheet over those toes. At least the pain meds allowed me to do something other than watch TV all day, though that’s what I had done for more than 5 years since my last surgery. It’s hard to see a good way out of this. I need to go to bed.
basset hound, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
[mod]Since threads asking for opinions, advice, and anecdotes about both physical and mental health issues go in IMHO, I’ll move this there for you.[/mod]
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
Some of the things I faced with my L4-5 back surgery:
1.Depression over loss of flexibility and some leg drop.
2.feeling Vulnerable and wondering what will happen to my body next.
3.Anxiety like you wouldn’t believe over the above.
Gave up and got some medication for anxiety and feel a lot better I don’t think there is anything wrong with some meds to help you thru the rough spots- but thats only MHO.
Sometimes you just have to admit your never going to be the same as you were before. It’s hard and scary. It took me over a year to be back to say 90% of what I was.
I always try to think of how lucky I am to not be in constant pain that surgery could not fix…in that way your really lucky.
It would be nice to find a silver lining here, grumpygramma, but I still have quite a bit of pain in my back (though the intensity comes and goes). Aside from the drop foot, which outweighs all the other problems combined, I have to take a large amount of Lyrica to deal with the increased pain in my right foot. Maybe that will get better. I’ll probably need it to if I ever have to wear an AFO on my drop foot. I’d look mighty foolish with a sandal on my right foot and an AFO on my left. That’s not a situation that will ever happen, though.