Who said (sic) “I may be drunk today madam, but tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
I’m moving this from ATMB (forum for discussions about the Message Board itself) to General Questions (forum for questions with factual answers), in hopes that you’ll get better responses. I’ve also edited the thread title to be a little more specific; see FAQ - Guideliness and Etiquette: Use descriptive thread titles
Not the exact quote but it looks like it was Winston Churchill.
Usually attributed to Winston Churchill, in response to Bessie Braddock, and there is apparently some evidence for it, via a bodyguard who claimed to have witnessed the exchange. The basic form of the joke goes back long before Churchill. Here’s a discussion of it:
http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/08/17/sober-tomorrow/
He cites versions from the 19th century, and claims this about Churchill:
Note, BTW, that I’m not entirely convinced either, but at least that explains the common attribution.
Man, he wasn’t just kidding.
OK, I LOL’d.
I thought I heard it in a W.C. Fields gag.
Is the famous exchange between Lady Astor and Churchill original or does that too go back earlier?
You did. Churchill may have said it in 1946 but he very definitely was not the original source. W. C. Fields says it in his film “It’s a Gift” from 1934. I’ve always suspected the Churchill version was more likely wishful thinking than fact.
I have it on good source that the actual exchange went:
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.
Winston Churchill: Oh, go fuck yourself, you old cunt.
Was your good source a National Lampoon from the mid-70s? 
Am I so nongalant to remark that a lady has quoted from the National Lampoon without attribution?
George Bernard Shaw once sent a pair of tickets to an opening night to Churchill:
“Bring a friend, if you have one.”
Churchill replied:
“Eat it raw, touch-hole.”