Dune ........The Musical!

Cafe Society
21

Leto (to the tune of GREEN ACRES):
Ar-rakis, it’s the place for me…
blazing hot but no humidity…
sand spreading out so far and nice
Screw Harkonnen, just give me that stellar spice!

Jessica:
No, Caladan’s where I’d rather stay
I think it’s all that sand that made Harkonnen gay
I just adore a place with seas
Darlin’, I love ya, but move somewhere with a breeze!

Leto:
The spice!

Jessica:
The vice!

Leto:
The Fremen!

Jessica:
The swimmin’!

Leto:
You are my concubine!

Jessica:
Goodbye, one true home of mine!

Together:
Arrakis, we are here!

Irulan meets Paul and sings (to the tune of MARIA):

Muad Dib, I’ve just met a boy named Muad Dib,
and suddenly I’ve found
how dangerous a sound can be!

Muad Dib, say it soft and there’s babies crying!
Say it loud and there’s Saddukar dying!
Muad Dib, I’ll never stop saying Muad Dib!

After the battle, the Fremen form a chorus line and sing (to the tune of ONE):

Worms-

Wriggling in the desert, the e-lixer of life itself…

Worms-

They’re the things we worship, with our last ex-panded breath!

One taste and suddenly no other spice… will… do!
They are what ended the crack trade, and acid too!

Worms-

Bigger than a freight train, gentle as a Pek-ingese

Worms-

To feed 'em takes a village
but they still make me weak in the knees…

When I think expanded consciousness comes from those slugs
they might be nasty and slimy but they’re better than street drugs

WORMS!

(and they’re organic!)

22

OK, before you scream at me for this one, remember that you asked for this.

Also, I wrote this while sober, so give me a break.

If I Were A Mentat

If I were a mentat
A diddle deedle deedle deedle dum
All day long, I’d sit and calculate
Statistics and the rate of change

Wouldn’t need a slide rule
A diddle deedle deedle deedle dum
I could do the numbers in my head
While shaving before bed, it’s true

I’d build a great big scheme containing wheels within wheels
And contingencies for things that went awry
To crush my enemies underfoot below
There could be spies and traitors and fremen scum
And hunter-seekers in the walls
And a poison tooth to bite down on and blow

If I went to Suk school
A diddle deedle deedle dum
I could not bear the breaking of my will,
It would fill my mind with pain

Harkonnens would get me
And capture my wife and they would compromise my life, I bet
My mind would begin to dislocate
It would be like Windows 98
I would try to make things right, too late!
If I were Duke Paul’s mentat-man.

23

That was great, Linty Fresh, even with the handicap of sobriety.

24

The first time Arrakis is seen it’s just a large black curtain with a drumroll. As cymbals clash a monstrously obese man steps out clad in lederhosen and supported by floating orbs and sings to the tune of Wilkommen:

Harkonnen
Vladimir, Baron
Fremen, messiahs and parents…
I’m brilliant and ruthless
Obese and insane
But I’m happy to see ya
Looks like we’ll have some rain say I I’m
Harkonnen
Vladimir, Baron,

That’s H and A
And R and K
And “onnen” on…

25

:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

26

I have this sudden vision of a bunch of Bene Gessrit women milling about wondering…

“What do you do with a problem like Alia?”

That, and Jessica spinning about on top of a sand dune crooning:

“The dunes are alive, with the sound of sand worms!”

27

Y’know, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the cast of Lynch’s Dune burst into song halfway through the movie, Sting’s presence notwithstanding. It was just that kind of bizzare film.

Not that I don’t like it. Just wish it had some connection beyond the most tenuous to the Frank Herbert novel of the same name