Dynamically leveraging value added ancient inventions by committee buy-in

[Fish]

Many inventions and customs of the modern world are so ancient that we cannot remember how or why they were invented. Sadly, modern consultants never had a chance to approve them. Marketing never signed off on this “calendar” project. The sales department didn’t get a look in on these new-fangled “planets” and “moons” and so on. Nobody did any audience testing on the “fire.” (32% of audiences reported that they didn’t like the name.)

So let’s reinvent the ancient ideas of the world, the modern way.

The calendar. First of all, the names have got to go. Monday, what’s that? Sell the naming rights to each day of the month to large ancient business interests, churches, or market segments for a contracted period of time. For instance, we’d get Muttonday, Jewsday, Weddingsday, Whoresday, etc. The days practically sell themselves!

The heavens. Oh, please. You mean to tell me that Jupiter and Saturn were named after gods? They’re getting free advertising? Okay, that’s right out. Venus? We’ll name it for some early-morning foodstuff: from now on, that is not Venus the Morning Star, but Delicious the Morning Bacon. You see it in the sky of a morning, you think bacon. Can’t lose!

Fire. First off, we have to have special firewood with additives that make the fire start quicker, burn cleaner, and last longer. We’ll need some kind of advertising campaign discouraging people from getting their own wood, and instead create the idea of value in purchasing our special secret blend of herbs and … well, just herbs. (I’m thinking a slogan like, “True love is a fire made from Madrona Woods.” We’ll get a woman wearing madrona leaves for the commercial.) We’ll also form the Tree Cartel, and buy up the large supply of trees so we can control the prices.

The lever. Look, we’ve got to get in on this lever thing while it’s hot. We’ll design a packet of levers in different sizes and strengths, for different applications. Don’t make them too strong, we want repeat business. Put “special ergonomic design” on the packet. Maybe a special line of small pink levers for the ladies.

The bow. Obviously some kind of permit should be required, and a ten-day waiting period. If they buy the bow on a Whoresday, they can pick it up Bunday.

[Mighty_Girl]

I find your ideas intriguing, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

[dropzone]

Not that I would argue with mine wife’s belief that breakfast makes for a good dinner, but how would you deal with that when Venus is the Evening Star?

[Gorsnak]

@dropzone

Not that I would argue with mine wife’s belief that breakfast makes for a good dinner, but how would you deal with that when Venus is the Evening Star?

Are you telling me we can sell naming rights to Venus twice??

[dropzone]

Yep. But not simultaneously. This gives us (I’m naming myself an officer in your fictional corporation because I extended its reach while not costing it any more in residuals to the principles. Sue me if you disagree.) to keep the ads flowing year-around, less the time it takes for the public to forget what we were advertising last month. Or last week. Or yesterday. The public is flexible like that.

[Fish]

I’ve got another idea, see what you think.

Doors. We need to position the “door” as a fully integrated system that every home needs. No house or cave will be complete without one. But we’re not going to sell them, no. We’re going to license them. First, the owner will have to install the door. After installation, he’ll review the End User License Agreement. Of course, if he wants more than one door in his home, he’ll have to spend the money for multiple licenses.

The Doors system will include a full security system designed to keep out hackers, with a personalized means of entry — I don’t know, a PIN number or a password or something.

Then every few years we can introduce a new Doors system upgrade which the owners will want to purchase. The new Doors will have more features, better security, and many of them will be backward-compatible with the owner’s house, though he may have to upgrade his doorjamb hardware.

Now in order to encourage people to buy Door 2.0 when it comes out, we’ll need to eventually cut off our customer support to Door 1.0, Door 1.2, and Door 1.211. We might even cut into the business of competitors by including several other features into our Door system — for instance, we could have a “window” built right into our door. Maybe even some “curtains.” That would cut right into our competitors’ traditional marketplace.

Plus, we’d get contracts with various homebuilders so that all the homes they build come with our licensed Doors system. We’ll make a killing on every home built, even if the house doesn’t sell!

[Fish]

@dropzone

Yep. But not simultaneously.

So if we’re selling the rights to Venus in the evening, it’d better be some night-time product or service, something people do late in the day. Some brand of rum, perhaps?

[Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup]

@Fish

So if we’re selling the rights to Venus in the evening, it’d better be some night-time product or service, something people do late in the day. Some brand of rum, perhaps?

Forget that.
DENNY’S.
Breakfast ALL DAY. Good in the morning or the evening, just like Venus.

Doesn’t mean we won’t charge 'em twice, though.

[Full_Metal_Lotus]

Memo from Engineering

Re: RE-inventing the wheel…

Thank you all for your imput on our design series. Regardsing your naming suggestions, Thogra thought that some of your ideas were excellent (that’s why you guys are marketing and we are just the makers). We felt the following names were the best:

Thunder Roller
Fire foot
and our favorite:
Corvette

Your suggestions regarding engineering improvements may be a little difficult to implement.

1. While two, 4, or even 17 axles per wheel may increase its “Visual Impact” signifigantly, functionality is severly comprimised

2. Again, adding extra surfaces to the wheel may make it look more technologically advanced, the hexagonal wheels were shown to be bumpy and difficult to use.

3. Again, although making the wheels shaped like various ther objects may increase thier visual impact, items shaped like sabre toothed tigers, spears and arrow heads just don’t roll very well. Sure a sabre toothed tiger is VERY fast (As the late Gorm could attest if he wasn’t eaten by a sabre tooth tiger), a wheel shaped like one will not work

4. 6 of our team have been horribly burnt trying to make a wheel out of fire, as your marketing team suggested. Due to the injuries, we have been forced to discontinue this otherwise intriguing idea.

5. The wheel can be any colour you like as long as its wood.

We await your response

Sincerely
Brot

[beowulff]

@Fish

Fire. First off, we have to have special firewood with additives that make the fire start quicker, burn cleaner, and last longer. We’ll need some kind of advertising campaign discouraging people from getting their own wood, and instead create the idea of value in purchasing our special secret blend of herbs and … well, just herbs. (I’m thinking a slogan like, “True love is a fire made from Madrona Woods.” We’ll get a woman wearing madrona leaves for the commercial.) We’ll also form the Tree Cartel, and buy up the large supply of trees so we can control the prices.

Douglas Adams beat you to it:

“Well, you’re obviously being totally naive”, Said the girl, “When you’ve been in marketing as long as I have, you know that before any new product can be developed it has to be properly researched. We’ve got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.”
“Stick it up your nose,” he [Ford] said.
“Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,” insisted the girl. “Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?”

[picker]

Somebody please change their user name to Delicious the Morning Bacon.
I would so do it myself if I hadn’t used up my 1 change right after I joined.

[SpectBrain]

Dear wheel tech support. We’re having a great deal of difficulty integrating your gadget into our product. Perhaps we’re having conceptual difficulties. Please examine the attached drawing of the ‘footprint’ as we try to roll our new wheel and suggest solutions. Thanks. OG
(drawing follows)

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