Educators! Come rant! it's that time of year!

The BBQ Pit
1

Ah, April-May. Season of the plagiarists and the cheats.
Sorry if this sounds too much like Rate my Students, but SIGH! It doesn’t matter how clear you are about policy, does it? Some suggestions:

  1. If you’re going to copy and paste large sections of someone’s book review into your term paper, try not to have it be something I’ve read this week. Also it’s a good idea not to plagiarize my advisors from grad school.
  2. If you’re going to bring prewritten essays and notes to copy from to the exam, don’t write them on lined binder paper with binder holes on the side. A regular piece of paper would sort of blend in with the back pages of the exam booklet, but binder holes are noticeable from quite some distance.
  3. If you do copy and paste your paper together from the web, try to make your fake footnotes look reasonable, like, using articles that are actually about the topic you’re “writing” on, instead of issues 5 centuries off.
    3b) Oh, also in your fake footnotes, make sure the page numbers you “cite” are within the actual range of page numbers for the article. For verisimilitude.
  4. I have 60 papers from students in your class here in a pile. I know what a student’s regular writing voice looks like. In this particular scenario-- you know, your term paper-- I’d really much rather see YOUR thin content and poor writing than my second-dissertation-reader’s thoughtful prose. I’ve gotten to the point where a uniformly clunkily written paper gives me a sense of relief.
  5. Be aware that I’ve noticed a trend: the first students who most eagerly approach me to see how they did on the exam/paper seem to be the ones who cheated-- not always but there’s a correlation. I’m not really understanding this pattern but it’s there. Some sort of feeling me out to see if they got away with it. I’m going to have to start keeping stats on this
  6. Also, when you hit the first stage of grief and tell me that’s you’re really really earnestly sorry, do realize that I realize that you’re not sorry about cheating per se, but sorry that I noticed and busted you. I suspect that you wouldn’t be on e-mail/ in my office toadyingly apologizing about cheating on your exam/ paper, had I not noticed what was going on, no? You wouldn’t have volunteered this information out of a sudden sense of virtue. Bite me.
  7. No, I don’t believe that this is the first time you ever have done this.
    Because of what happened at the midterm with someone else, I decided to be very very clear. The fact that you could use no notes and that violators would be given zero and given a ticket to the dean was at the top of the study guide and at the top of the exam-- you even had both sheets with you to review that fact. I said it out loud a couple of times during the exam. Your notes were carefully made out before hand so this was quite premeditated. You should never have done this the first time, if it is indeed the first. Which it isn’t.
  8. And YOU there CERTAINLY won’t do it again, because I AM sending YOUR case to the Dean. A Blackberry to plagiarize Wikipedia on a closed-book exam? Cheeky.

When the consequences are so severe, why, oh why? All I can think is that you didn’t think anyone would bother checking. . . Which is perhaps a reasonable assumption? Are you in fact sane and the fact that would tried this on a recent hire with the youthful zeal of someone who was relatively recently also in classes and still gives a damn is bad luck on your part?

So a mini rant to many other educators: Perhaps I have the zeal of a noob, but WTF? You whine about rampant cheating and do nothing about it-- you don’t even take the time to stick a sentence from a suspicious paper into Google. You hardly pay attention during exams. Is it any surprise that they think they can get away with it in my class? Department Chair-- when I bring a case to you to ask what I should do with it (implied question in my mind: “Should I turn this in to the Dean’s office and get them thrown out actively, or just give her a zero so she can fail out more naturally?”) you start considering whether we should make her retake the exam, or make her keep a zero as a punishment. WTF? ReTAKE the exam? Should I give her extra credit, too? Maybe some cookies, and take her to the zoo?

Then you thank me for my ‘great diligence’ in this, explaining that you would never have been able to find the time-- a backhanded praise with the implication that I’m being obsessive and only a great deal of free time and terrier-like tenaciousness could possibly determine something like this. I. . . put. . . this. . . fucking. . . series of four fucking words. . . into . . . fucking. . . Google. No, I can’t imagine how any other faculty member could possibly manage that feat of technology. You talk about a culture of cheating, but really.

2

In case anybody is wondering, this blog is what the OP refers to.

FTR, I do indeed Google suspicious, too-good-for-the-student’s-level phrases and anything that seems incredibly out of sync with the rest of the essay (different font sizes included). I report all such cases, with the proper copies and documentation, to the Student Life office. I just reported a dual case from one student; said case will very likely get her suspended from the campus for one year and it will be on her permanent record. Too bad, so sad, sucks to be her…but I fucking warned everyone long ago–and several times since then–NOT to copy and paste text from various websites into a typed essay or to copy it by hand in a blue book with absolutely no quotation marks or acknowledgement of any kind.

And to several students who can’t seem to do math any more than they can write anything that makes sense: You are not going to pass this class. You are not even close to having the bare minimum of points necessary to squeak by with a low “C.” You cannot negotiate your way out of this as you may have done in high school. This is not high school. You may not do a buttload of extra assignments during finals week to make up for what you failed to accomplish or even attempt. College policy pretty much discourages the use of extra credit, and if it is permitted, you can only get 5% maximum for it. This will still not be enough to get you a passing grade.

You still have another week to drop; our drop date is quite late in the semester. I recommend a “W” over an “F.” If you wish to stay in class anyway and try to learn something, that’s fine. It is your decision. But don’t fucking whine about it to me during the last two weeks of the semester.

3

Another suggestion for the plagiarists and cheats:

Don’t copy material from the well-worn book you stole from the teacher’s desk.

4

Ooh, ooh, right: “OMG is there anything I can do to pass?” Yeah, do the fucking work in the first place, several weeks ago. No, there’s no ‘extra credit’ for you-- do the normal god damned credit for once. “I really really need to pass this class!” Then do the fucking work, several weeks ago. “Can I study really hard for a make up exam?” No, study really hard for the test you should have studied really hard for in the first god damned place, several weeks ago. You just blew the past 10-14 weeks, and now you expect some deus ex machina. “But I’m a really good student!” Well. . . apparently not. Good students study for exams and write their own papers. “But I always get A and Bs!” No, you apparently don’t. “My English isn’t very good and it’s hard for me to write papers!” Well, then you shouldn’t have bribed that TOEFL administrator and gotten yourself into this mess. “My Greek house had this thing all weekend and I couldn’t study!” Oh.
This is so cathartic.

5

And, for fuck’s sake, do not even think about asking for special lab privileges. The hours are posted and have been all semester. I can’t make a special exception because you need to do your portfolio. You’ve had all semester to put it together; it’s not my fault or my problem that you chose to wait until the last minute to do it.

Robin

6

I’m a librarian rather than a teacher, but can I play?

EVERY SINGLE QUARTER OR SEMESTER:

STUDENT: I’m doing a report on _insert subject here _ and all of the books have been checked out!"

[Thought but not said]Gee, it’s almost as if several other people who are in the same class are doing the same assigned report on the same general topic and didn’t put off their research until the last minute.[/tbns]
Said: I can get you these books through Interlibrary Loan. It usually takes from 2 days to a week.

STUDENT (invariably, I already knew this would be the answer): But the paper’s due tomorrow!

[Thought but not said]YOU FRIGGING BOTTOM FEEDING DUMBASS! EVERY SINGLE QUARTER YOU COME IN HERE AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE AND LO & BEHOLD THIS HAPPENS! EVERY SINGLE QUARTER I GIVE YOU THE SAME ADVICE: ALWAYS DO YOUR RESEARCH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! NO EXCEPTIONS! WE CAN ALWAYS GET THE BOOKS BUT IT TAKES TIME. EVEN IF YOU PROCRASTINATE WRITING THE PAPER, AT LEAST HAVE YOUR RESEARCH MATERIALS… HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID THIS TO YOU {AND NOT YOU AS IN GENERIC STUDENT YOU BUT YOU AS IN YOU PARTICULARLY AND INDIVIDUALLY! YOU’RE IN COLLEGE FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHAT’S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKE AND NEXT TIME GOING AHEAD AND DOING THE RESEARCH![/tbns]
Said: I’m sorry, but if the books are out there’s nothing I can do about those particular titles. I can see if any other local libraries have them and you can drive there and use them. You have checkout privileges at ___ and ____.

STUDENT: I don’t have a carrrrrrr!
[Thought but not said]THEN ALL THE MORE REASONS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH SOONER! DON’T CLAIM YOU DON’T HAVE TIME BECAUSE I’VE SEEN YOU IN HERE GABBING AWAY WITH FRIENDS AND YOU’VE GOT TIME BETWEEN CLASSES AND BEFORE CLASSES AND AFTER CLASSES AND DURING BREA WHEN I’VE SEEN YOU HERE.[/tbns]
Said: I’m very sorry, but the best we can do here tonight is this book and this book that’s on a semi-related subject.

STUDENT (you get this more often than you’d ever believe): Can you tell me who has these books so I can call them?
[Thought but not said]HELLLLLL to the Naw.
Said: No. It’s against regulations.

STUDENT: But I nneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedd them to pass the test.

[Thought but not said, in the key of Queen Latifah from CHICAGO:]Don’t go shootin’ your fat ass mouth off at me cause I don’t give a shit![/tbns]
Librarian: I’m sorry.

({hurls prosthetic arm to emphasize the point} And that’s why you always do your research as soon as possible.---------------------------------------------

STUDENT: Do you have any books on __________?

[Thought but not said]Gee, I don’t know. We got a lot of books here, why don’t you just look around? I’m guessing that a book on that would be blue and about yea high.[tbns]
Said: Let’s look on the catalog and see.
[Thought but not said]You know what the online catalog is, right? It’s that thing I showed you the last time you asked if we had books on a particular subject? And the thing I showed you the time before that? And the time before that? The one that this is about the tenth time I’ve shown you and it wasn’t complicated the first time and if you haven’t figured out how to use it by now you don’t really need to be in college and that I wouldn’t be 1/25th as irked at you for asking for assistance if you’d even fucking TRY to find it yourself as I’ve shown you how to repeatedly before asking me? That’s the online catalog I’m talking about.[/tbns]

======================

Student: Where can I find an article on ___________?

Me: Let’s try this database…
[Thought but not said]You know what the database I’m talking about is, right? It’s that thing I showed you the last time you asked if we had articles on a particular subject? And the thing I showed you the time before that? And the time before that? The one that this is about the tenth time I’ve shown you and it wasn’t complicated the first time etc etc rinse lather repeat.[/tbns]

Please don’t get me wrong: my job is to help students find information. I don’t mind helping them in the least. I don’t expect them to remember every button that I push or to know everything I know, I wouldn’t have a job if they did. I don’t have a problem with freshmen who’ve never used the library before asking me any question at all- no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to how to use online information or how to find a book in LoC call numbers when you’re used to Dewey decimal. I don’t even mind if somebody can’t remember what database I showed them or where the catalog is and they have to ask again.

The ones I have a problem with are the students who DON’T EVEN FUCKING TRY TO REMEMBER. They ask you every damned time they come in for something that could be found exactly how I’ve shown them every damned time they come in, and you wouldn’t believe how many of these there are. At the bigger universities where I’ve worked there’s an unbelievable number of the A-Hole “He looks like a rabbit” archetypes (both male and female) who absolutely seem to think it’s a matter of pride NOT to know this stuff in spite of being shown repeatedly, and they’re the same ones who act offended if you show them how and then leave them to it, or have them sit at the computer and type even though you’re telling them what to type. What they’re wanting is for you to DO the research for them because they are flat out here to get a degree, not an education.

Of course once in a while there’s a really nice surprise. A few years ago I was working at a small college in Georgia. A guy comes to the desk- black guy (disclaimer: this isn’t about judging students by race because I don’t- I’ve met stumbling dumb and brilliant students of all demographics- it just so happens this guy was black and he wore] lots of bling including gold capped teeth, and every hip-hop-chic cliche clothing you can think of from the pants around his knees to the do-rag and even an Afro comb in his hair which I hadn’t seen one of since high school. (Here I do admit prejudice: I hate fad clothing trend afficianados whether it’s hip-hop, goth, Regis monochrome look, etc., when it’s everyday wear and done almost to the point of a costume more than a look.)

Now the kid is maybe 18 but seems younger even though he’s tall and he’s a basketball player, which I know because he’s toting a basketball. He has a very thick rural Georgian accent. He says “Yeh… I need articles on ________”.

I take him over and I show him a particular database that’s good for what he wants and how to use it. I also show him a couple of “fancy” search techniques when I can’t find exactly what he’s looking for, not expecting him to remember them because no student ever does but more of a “remember that we’re here to help and know how to manipulate the databases” service thing. He keeps saying “M-hmm… yeah… okay”, doesn’t seem impressed or unimpressed, just prints off some articles and leaves.

A few days later he’s back again, still with the bling and hip-hop ensemble. “Hey yeh, I was in here the other day lookin’ for stuff on ______ and now I need articles on ________.” Since it’s only his second time here I’m not even irked about showing the same database to him again, I just start to get up to do it, but as I’m rising he continues…

“Now look it, I found three scholarly articles using one of those Boolean searches with the parentheses and shit [sic] you showed me but I’d like to find one with more cited references and shit. I went into Choose Databases and tacked on these three but nothing really coming up. Anyway I can expand the search where it don’t just look in the keywords and the article abstract?”

I damned near had a heart attack. I wanted to hug him, adopt him, and have the roof of the library open and a shaft of light descend while I said over the megaphone we used at closing “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased”. I imagine the poster for the movie based on the story of our father-son bonding- Will Smith as him with a boombox and wearing a Miss Saigon sweatshirt next to John Goodman as me wearing librarian button down but with gold capped teeth and [COLOR=Blue]MY BIG FAT GAY WHITE DADDY [featuring a duet by Ludakris and Loreena McKennit][/COLOR] underneath.

I told him “You are absolutely the first student I have ever known who not only remembered every single thing I showed him on the computer but even would ask a question like that… and you’re a freshman who hasn’t even had library orientation yet. Excuse me while I just say… I am impressed.”

He told me “Yeah man… shit, I love research. But kinda gotta keep it on the downlow if you know what I mean… bad for my rep as an athlete and a token.”

I heard from his professors that his papers were the best in the class and not plagiarized. I lost touch when I left that college but I’d love to know whatever happened to him- surely he went to grad school. (Maybe he witnessed something and entered witness relocation and became the inspiration for Crabman, but I hope he’s studying medicine somewhere.)

7

Oh, Sampiro, that was lovely. You brought a tear to my eye and a giggle to my lips (as usual.) Any way you can Google his name and see what pops up?

8

Oh, I had someone complain about me this week because I wouldn’t look up specific information on what was going to be abotu 30 countries for them. I showed them some places they might find the information, then was asked “could you put it in for these others”. I told them that I couldn’t look up every possible country, but they could go do the same thing I did and if they had difficulty with a specific country to come back to the reference desk and whoever was there could help them look at some other sources. Luckily my boss knew pretty quickly who the student meant, and let her vent while knowing that I’m not “rude and unhelpful”.
And I know what you mean about the hidden gems. They’re the ones that can make things worthwhile. But so too do the ones that say thanks - and mean it.

9

Note to undergrads: don’t call me on Saturday in the spring. I’m at the beach, and I have a hangover anyway.

10

Sampiro, you’re awesome. Here is your reward:
http://www.millikin.edu/staley/peeps/

11

Let’s not forget, it’s also the season of recomendation requests for scholarships. A real phone call the other day:

Student’s mother, leaving a message on a Sunday morning “Um, this is Jimmy’s mom. We have a scholarship application due today. We didn’t get it until Friday afternoon, and we are looking for one of his teachers who can fill out this teacher recomendation part, in case the main post office downtown is still open”

What I wanted to say: Look, woman, one, either it’s a good scholarship or it’s one he has a chance of getting, because no way in hell it’s both–he’s a good kid, a solid kid, but his grades, extracurriculars, and test scores are all mediocre. And he’s a kid I am particularly fond of, so if HE’D called me Friday afternoon and asked me to find time to fill this out before Saturday afternoon, I would have found time. But on Sunday afternoon? Fuck off.

What I said: Not going to be able to do this today. Be glad to do it MOnday if you want to send it in then and hope they will take it.

12

[taunt]
My last semester in academe was nine years ago. :smiley:
[/taunt]

13

Double post. My bad.

14

Some more random rants n’ tidbits for the whole gang:

Pitworthies:

Students who walk into the department mail room, ask if it is in fact the mail room despite the fact that they are surrounded by mailboxes, ask if the professor has a mailbox, become confounded by the alphabetical order of the surnames, and then admit that they don’t know their professor’s name . It’s almost freaking MAY. How can they not know it by now??

Students who are failing miserably, yet insist that they “have to” get a “B” or better so they can transfer in good standing to a university. Who in the blue holy hell do they think they’re kidding? They can’t even pass the fundamental classes at a community college, yet they are convinced they’ll do quite well at a university.

Students who never read the syllabus. Never touch it. Never look at it. Apparently have developed an allergy to it. Never know what the shit is going on in class, what’s due, when the next exam is, when the final is, when the library orientation is, or how much assignments are worth because they can’t be arsed to flip through a couple of pages of syllabi.

15

I had a student plagiarize Robert Frost on an assignment to write an original poem using 3 literary devices and explaining how/why you used them. Didn’t have to be good, just written by you. She hands me “Fire and Ice.” Wow, bad enough it’s a poem I know by heart. But did she just hand it in with the rest of the class? Noooo. She comes to me during lunch, telling me how excited she is about having written a poem she thinks is so good, and she really hopes I like it. The next day, she asks what I thought of it, did I grade it? I mean, why draw attention to yourself like that if you know you cheated?

The best part is that when I called her mother to tell her the kid plagiarized, at first the mother said, “My daughter wouldn’t do that! It must have been an accident.” Well, the kid confessed, and anyway, it’s a word for word copy of Frost, so that’s not an accident. Then the mother says, “Where would my daughter get a copy of that poem? We don’t have any books in the house.” :smack: This is actually what she said. Thank GOD the school has a library, or this poor kid wouldn’t have been able to commit the academic equivalent of grand theft auto.

I made the kid write a poem anyway, and it was horrible, but at least it was original.

16

I have a student who lifted whole sections of the online text and put them in her closed book exam. Did I mention that she thinks I wrote the online text? (I didn’t, the guy who developed the course did, but there is no way for her to know that.) How dumb do you have to be to cheat by copying text that you think someone wrote??? And she is trying to deny it, but by avoiding my “did you or did you know use sources” question, rather than lying outright. Uh, I can tell when someone is avoiding the question, sweetie, and that usually doesn’t mean that they are being honest.

17

Damn. Know=not

18

Ah, the student I had who plagiarized internet sites on the closed book test-- I don’t really know whether she used a hidden device or just copied a printout, [tense shift] but when she picks up her exam I tell her she needs to make an appointment to talk about it.
“Huh? That’s sounds serious. . .”
“It is. How’s Thursday at noon?”
She flips through to the back where I’ve stapled some website texts.
“Oh, you don’t understand. Is this about how I study for exams? By memorizing internet sites?”
Me: “. . . [WTF? Did she just say that? I’m about to wet myself in amusement. I think my mouth is hanging open a little]. . . Uh. . . uh. . . That’s. . . that’s an impressive skill. . . Thursday at noon?”
“No, no, you see, in my culture, there’s a lot of emphasis put on memorization. . .” “Uh. . . [head asplodes. Race card? Seriously?] Thursday, then.”
Too bad she stood me up twice so I could never test her memory.

19

You always know that you’re in for a hell of a ride when the student starts off “You see, in my culture…” How can’t even remember how much bullshit has been fobbed off under that pretense.

And it’s always funny how I’ve never heard of any of these cultures that do what the student purports that they do.

20

Bwaaaahahahahahah.

I’m so going to have to steal that one. Sorry, bud.