How about a cold tongue thick with the taste of the liver -n- onion platter… and a tongue that drooled 5 liters per second. It stiffened up really hard, so the tendons underneath could be felt… and the drool… all the drool dripping off the erect tongue… God, I’ll never forget my 10th grade Homecoming dance…
Hey! I came here to say that. Maybe it was the same guy? Did he go to Old Dominion University? I didn’t bother trying to train him.
Delivered a large payload of saliva into my mouth, right in the beginning of the kiss, as if to lube things up. He basically spit in my mouth. Wasn’t cool.
My husband. The first time we ever kissed. I don’t know what was going on, it was kind of an emotional and confusing time, but it was really horrible. The previous day I had professed my undying love to him and now that he was on my doorstep, bringing me flowers, kissing me, I felt zero chemistry. It was very awkward. I broke up with him. He left for Europe the next day so we had to wait three months to find out if the issue was surmountable.
Kind of odd. When he came back, our chemistry blew my mind. He had me so hot I couldn’t think. That was six years ago, and I still don’t know what happened with that first kiss. Sufficed to say, I’m convinced that ‘‘It’s in his kiss’’ song is complete and total bullshit.
It was my first kiss ever. It was horrible. We were at a school dance, and by the end of the night, I’d finally agreed to dance with this guy. A couple of years prior, I’d had a little crush on him, but he ignored me as I was frumpy, plump, wore glasses, braces, etc. The tables had recently turned, as I’d gotten contacts, lost weight, dyed my hair and dressed more fashionably, and the braces had come off. Him? His face had exploded in zits over the summer - the awful kind, the kind you’ve got to get the Accutane for. So while I was bitter for his rejection when I was an ugmo still, we actually became pretty good friends - his circle and mine were pretty close. So this was just a friendly dance together, as far as I was concerned.
Yeah, no. Suddenly my face was being swallowed. I don’t know what the hell he was doing, but it was just terrible. I was shocked, confused, surprised, and… shocked. Then he reached up and tried to grope me. Whoa, Nelly. I struck his arm away from me, hard. He tried again. My face was swallowed, slobbered upon, and regurgitated, and during the confusion, he tried to grope me again. The song was ending and I was ready to break his wrist. I hit his arm, hard. I broke away from him and headed toward the door, gathering my girlfriends as I went, telling the awful story, with them shrieking laughter and sympathising all the while.
The guy figured we were dating for about two weeks after that, and I reluctantly allowed him to hold my hand sometimes, and he’d call me at night and tell me how when he got a car, we could spend some quality time in the backseat. Yeah, that never, ever happened.
We drifted apart after that. I wonder sometimes if I was his worst kiss, too. “Man, she clamped her mouth shut and I had to suck her face! And she wouldn’t close her eyes, and she kept flailing and hitting me!” Yeah, I’m okay with that.
This thread is giving me the giggles.
My first kiss: I was in Denmark on a study abroad year. I was 16. Near the end of the year, all the students got into a big bus and drove around the country on a tour, which was a really great time. I had a crush on this Kiwi named Peter, but it was Fernando from Brazil who started paying attention to me. Well, Fernando was pretty dang cute. Adorable, in fact. So when we all went to an amusement park and he grabbed my hand and wanted to sit next to me in the roller coaster, my (very good) friend D. graciously bowed out of the scene and I was appropriately grateful to her. The roller coaster was, in fact, a terrible one, but it had a tunnel. And the next thing I knew, Fernando was kissing me! Wow! Only…wait…it was kind of awful. He was a tongue-thrusting robot. This wasn’t right, kissing is supposed to be great! Well, maybe it was the roller coaster. No, actually, it was still just as terrible the other times that night. I was very disappointed by the total non-funness of kissing.
On the bright side, I got quite carsick from a ride later on (no vomiting, I was just pale and faint), and Fernando took care of me like a hero. Then he cried when the trip was over and I got off the bus, which was rather good for the self-esteem. And I discovered that kissing was actually fun later on. And it makes a good first-kiss story, if you leave out how totally and completely unromantic it actually was.
This is actually on me as much as it is on her. We had a long day of drinking and smoking in a casino. When we got back to the hotel room I could tell that I had gorilla breath and that I was also dehydrated. I brushed my teeth three times and used a ton of mouthwash and drank about a quart of water. No go. She was in the same situation apparently.
Even though she was a good kisser the saliva swapping was less than pleasant.
Oh, God. I’ve had a few guys who just, like, open their mouths, and I’m left there like a moron trying to kiss that. It’s like mouthing the rim of a coffee mug, except gross.
It’s like, it’s not like oral sex; it doesn’t work for one person to do everything.
The worst was my first French kiss. Have you ever seen Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd is fantasizing about kissing Mary? It was kinda like that. Eeeuuuu. It’s a wonder I ever tried French kissing again!
Cold lips and tongue. From the stomach bad breath. Lips forming a hard ring like the sucker of an octopus trying to suction the air out of my lungs. He’s actually inhaling through his mouth.
My mouth is closed, my eyes are shut and I’m not expecting a kiss at the moment. Wet tongue wiped back an forth across my whole lower face like he’s wetting me down for a fake tattoo. Swipe swipe.
My most recent ex-g/f. Loved her to death, woulda married her. So far she’s the biggest loss that I regret. But, still… her kissing skills, or lack thereof, sucked.
I’m shy at the start of new relationships, so we didn’t kiss for a while, and pressure built on both sides. After a few weeks of teasing intensity, for her it exploded one day in a fury of making out. On my end, it was less an explosion than a half-hearted pop, as she unleashed a fury of chicken pecks. She’d hold my head, peck my face a bunch of times, and look at me so delightedly… and all I could think was “you’re pecking?”
If not for the name and overall unlikelihood, I’d swear I once kissed the same girl. A continuous propeller blade. It was all I could do to keep from laughing.
It was after a wonderful first date - coffee, a nice dinner, a stroll down the street with snow falling and her arm in mine. I walked her to her car, and we had one of the most awkward kisses ever. I went for too much, she went for too little, and we both were left wondering if we could ever kiss again.
Luckily, we worked it out and are getting married next year. 
OMG!
I’m giggling like crazy over here! 
My worst was my first REAL kiss. I was a 13 year old camp counselor, and he was a 16 year old SENIOR counselor (ooh, lala!). Anyway, we were on a break, and we took a walk to his groups’ room to clean it up for the next activity.
I turned to throw something away, and there he was, ready to pounce. And pounce he did. He basically engulfed my ENTIRE LOWER FACE in his mouth, and him being a bit buck-toothed, managed to actually scrape one of his ginormous buck teeth againt the side of my bottom lip so much, it actually lacerated. I couldn’t beathe, my lower lip was gradually swelling, and there he was, just “kissing” away, like some kind of crazed kissing alien. Oh, and drooling. He was kissing and drooling and lacerating my mouth all at the same time.
I pulled away, out of breath 'cause I couldn’t breathe, and he was looking rather proud of himself. He was panting and said “Wow!”
I was lightly bleeding and said “Ow.”
And all I could think about that whole day was “Ew. Is that ALL? Seriously cause that SUCKED.”
I think I went on ONE other date with him after that, then took my leave of him. Not only were his kissing skills a mess, but his, erm, “heavy petting” was more like bodily assault.
16 year old boys are SO hilariously hamhanded. Luckily, GypsyBoy is an expert in the art of Smoochology. And with the added accoutrement of his pierced tongue, it’s all I can do to not throw him on the floor and bone him every time he kisses me.
Oh, wait…
Severely depressed girlfriend.
Got into a routine for a while of nightly bouts of crying to exhaustion, and then getting amorous.
You try being consoling and sweet - don’t let on that a mouthful of cold snot is incredibly repulsive. That would be bad.
Man, threads like this always make me so nervous. I’ve only ever kissed one girl, and I was with her from 17-22. I’m terrified that I’m an awful kisser and never learned any better!
My first kiss was okay, a sweet little peck, with nervous wanting of first love.
Then a while later we started French kissing. He was my first, i wasn’t his, and OMG would you stop trying to examine my tonsils!
I taught him better…
Kevin. My first boyfriend, though I wasn’t his first girlfriend. I thought it was odd that I had to wipe my mouth every time we kissed. It was like a routine. Soft kissing. Tongue. Take a breath. Wipe mouth. Repeat.
My face would get so wet that it would often feel raw because while he is kissing me and the wetness is everywhere, he is moving his head and mouth around mine.
Gawd my face would break out horrible!
I kissed that guy too. I figured he was trying to demonstrate his cunnilingus technique. I didn’t try to train him, and I didn’t find out if he kissed like he, uh, you know. It was a very weird experience, though…he held the sides of my head and did the licklicklicklick thing. I was like “you gotta be kidding me!”
I think the worst was when I was about 14 at summer camp, though. It was during a dance, and the guy I was supposedly “seeing” but hadn’t even kissed yet and I snuck off a little ways and sat down on the grass. Then a very low flying airplane went overhead. I was surprised and a little frightened, so I looked up. And in one fell swoop, the guy stuck his tongue all the way down my throat and his hand up my shirt and under my bra! I pushed him away immediately, but the guy went around and told all his friends that I had let him feel me up. Jerk. I felt very violated–not so much because he had copped a feel, but because he made it out to his friends like I had consented. At the time, going to second base was A Very Big Deal, so it pissed me off that I took the hit on reputation without getting any fun out of it.
It had to be the one that started with, “C’mon, give”, as he held me by the chin and pulled my face around toward him. At least it was just a closed mouth on mine. Oh, did I mention I was all of 13 and it was my first kiss?