Egregious cooking violations.

Cafe Society
41

Egads, people, these are not egregious cooking violations, these are culinary crimes against humanity! Mayo-based salsa? WTF?!?

When I was a teenager my mother decided to try something new. She put peanuts in cole slaw. That may sound a little unusual, but passable, right? Wrongo! It was one of the worst things I’ve ever had. Even picking out the peanuts, it was still awful. And since it was a crime in our family to waste food, we had to have a little bit every night until it was gone. It haunted us for about a month.

I once went out to a bar with my brother and sister. My brother wouldn’t let me order for myself. He whispered my order to the waitress, then got a big grin on his face. Ooh boy, I was in for a special treat! I had my tastebuds set to “amazing.” What marvelous concoction was in store for me, I wondered. Then it came out. Beer and tomato juice. It was one of the most vile drinks I ever had.

42

My brother baked an apple pie and was surprised to find that it came out very dry.
I walked through the process with him on the phone and he admitted that he had gotten rid of the juice from the apples. He then asked if it would be okay to open a container of apple juice and just pour that into the pie.

43

What “juice from the apples”? Was he using canned filling, and dumped the syrup? Any fresh apple pie I’ve made had no “juice” to pour off. Mix the apples with the sugar and flour, and pour into a pie crust, cover and bake.

TDN, they actually SELL that beer concoction. Even a version using [URL=“http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/37389”]Clamato (clam juice & tomato juice). I’d give it the same review as the link… if I was crazy enough to try it.

I grew up with all sorts of terrible cooking. Edible, but now that I know how to cook, I realize how bad it was. Everything came from a can or box. Salt & Pepper were exotic spices at my boyhood home, and I’m thankful to the good folks at FoodTV for teaching me many lessons that have improved my cooking. I knew nothing about food when I left home, now I’m a bit of a snob about cooking, and rarely eat anything at home that isn’t completely from scratch.

44

I’ve eaten at lots of authentic Mexican restaurants owned, operated, and frequented by authentic Mexicans. But I’ve also eaten at plenty of Mexican-American places that have mayonnaise-based chipotle sauce. I wouldn’t want it every day, but on occasion and in small quantities it’s kind of tasty.

45

When I was a kid, I thought I could make bread. People have been doing it for thousands of years right? How hard could it be if civilizations that didn’t have a concept of the number zero could make bread?

My “bread” consisted of water + raw egg + flour into dough, then I baked the dough. For some reason, it wasn’t getting all brown and good looking like real bread, so I thought I’d change it into cheese bread. A slice of Kraft cheese followed on top of that lump of dough. I took one bite of that and resolved never to try and make bread again…

46

Last night I made black bean burritos with a yogurt based sauce. I made the tortillas myself. Got good reviews.

47

Wait, you’re telling me chipotle sauce isn’t made with mayo?

At Disneyland where I worked, we would serve fried chicken sandwiches with chipotle sauce. We’d mix mayo and pureed cans of chipotle peppers together. That’s not what real chipotle is? :confused:

48

Someone please tell me it isn’t, or I need to go puke.

49

A fav—

Sliders with chipotle mayo

50

I’ve probably mentioned this one before…

A couple of buddies wanted to make pancakes for breakfast, but the recipe called for eggs and they had no eggs.

They did have a TV, on which they’d seen the commercial that proclaimed, “You’ve gotta break a few eggs to make REAL mayonaise!”.

They could just use mayonaise as an egg substitute, right?

But they didn’t have any real mayonaise to use.

They did have Miracle Whip, which they did use as their egg substitute.

The pancakes were golden brown and delicious looking.

The taste, I was told, was not as enjoyable.

51

Once upon a time, long ago in the '80s, there was a Chinese Food dish that was like unto food of the Gawds.

Gather round my children and listen.

Imagine shrimp dunked in an ultra-thin mixture of (probably) egg-whites and rice-flour, and then flash-fried at a hot temperature, so the thin coating was so crisp it almost shattered when you bit into it.

Mix those onto a bed of crispy steamed broccoli that had been cooked to just crisp and then quickly stir-fried to brown the edges.

Take walnuts, dunk them in sugar and deep-fry them until the sugar carmelized and started to harden…at this stage, the sugar on the walnuts is right on the border between sweet and bitter.

Now imagine a sauce–a brown sauce something like hunan sauce, but a bit more savory and a bit hotter. Mix all together and serve.

It was, bar none, my favorite chinese food dish.

Then…something happened in the mid-'90s.

The dish vanished completely. EVERYONE stopped serving it all at the same time.

About 2 years later, a dish with the same name appeared but the dish was no longer good (in the same way that Jonestown wasn’t good for the image of kid’s drinks)

The shrimp were now fried in a puffy batter like a corndog. The broccoli was steamed to mostly soft. The walnuts remained the same, but were coooked less. All of that could have been lived with. Until you got to the “new improved” sauce.

Take orange (and/or pineapple) juice. Mix it about 50/50 with mayonnaise and…something else–garlic powder and sugar I think. Then heat it up and glop it over everything.

It literally tasted like vomit when I tried it.

:: shakes fist at the Gawds of Chinese Food for showing me nirvana then taking it away ::

52

Michelada

It’s not for everyone and takes some getting used to. I love it.

53

I’m not sure…He dumped something critical that was specified in the recipe and figured that Treetop or some other apple juice could be poured into a dry pie.

54

Adding to the tales of Kraft singles being put places they don’t belong:

A frightening number of restaurants in the Charlotte area (where you think people would know better) think that “cheese grits” means a small plate of cheese with two triangles of Kraft singles on top.

And some also seem to think that it is a reasonable way to get cheese into an omelet to make a very thin frittata, then fold it in half with triangles of Kraft singles in between the halves.

Please don’t even get me started on what passes for good biscuits in restaurants around here. :rolleyes:

It’s f&cking North Caro-goddamn-lina, for Christ’s sake!

55

Very tasty indeed, although I somewhat prefer the tomato-less version of it (which has lots of Worcestershire sauce, lime, and hot sauce.) Anyhow, the beer & tomato version of it is basically just a beer-based bloody mary. If you like bloody marys, a michelada is just a slightly fizzy, lighter version of them. Great on a summer day or to nurse a hangover.

56

Today’s Price is Right : “A Wine Cooler!!!”

I’m thinking “uh…Bartles & Jaymes? $2??”

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! A Wine Cooooooooooooooler. $1400.00. :confused:

57

I tried one of those, adhering to my strict “anything that sounds that disgusting/fucked up MUST be tried once” creed, and God help me if I didn’t kind of like it.

I do like bloody Marys (Maries?) though, so I guess it’s not that much of a stretch. But seriously… improving Budweiser by adding a clam-based product?

58

Thank you for your support.

59

Ya gotta like cheese to order something like that.

60

Wouldn’t that be “cheese cheese”?