Emergency Dispatcher Calls You (don't) want to hear

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My sister in law just started work as a 911 Emergency Dispatcher for a large rural area. To help her in her new career, I figured that the SDMB could come up with an impressive list of ways not to answer the phone. My first thought when I heard about her new job was:

Phone Sex Voice: “911, I’m Candy. What’s your emergency?”

Fast Food Voice: “Thank you for calling 911, would you like to try our combo disaster? How about supersizing that disaster for only 48 cents more?”

Belligerent: “You call that an emergency? Let me tell you about some real emergencies…”

Computer help line: “If this call is about a fire, flood or other natural disaster, press 1. If this call is about a violent crime, press 2. If you wish to speak to an operator, please remain on hold.”

Any other suggestions?

2

“What th-- you didn’t call me, I called you!!”

3

Not Enough Operators response: “Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line, and an operator will be with you shortly…” (hold music, followed by the same announcement every 60 sec)

4

Tech Support Voice: Sorry, we can’t support fire. You need to call the local fire department for that.

5

[computer voice]
If someone is attacking you, please press 1 on your touchtone phone.

If you are having a health emergency, please press 2.

If your emergency involves a fire and you require assistance, please press 3.

[presses 3]

Please hold, while we connect you to a 911 representative.

[new voice]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

[music]

Did you know that you can access all of our features on our website, 911.com. Chat with online 911 personel in real time. Request e-mail assistance. Assist yourself by reading through our archived section of categorized 911 calls complete with summaries and results. 911.com. For all of your emergency needs. Now online for your convenience.

Dont laugh. They’re practicaly the last holdout.

6

“9-1-1? Yes, this is 9-1-1.
…
WHO GAVE YOU THIS NUMBER?!?!?!?”

:smiley:

7

The CHP already beat you to this. A handful of years ago, I wanted to report some large chunks of debris on the road, (It looked as if some concrete statuary or burdbaths fell off a truck) so I pulled out the cell phone and dialed 911 and was greeted with “Please hold for the next emergency services operator” or some such wording. Over and over again. I think by the time I reached a dispatcher, the road crew was already out there and picking up the rubble.

8

Oh, another way to answer the phone that would panic callers:

Thank you for calling Nine One One. Our regular office hours are 8 AM through 5:30 PM on weekdays and 10 AM to 2 PM on Saturday. We are closed on Sundays and holidays. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and call Nine One One.

9

Hey, SkyBum, you are officially now responsible for paying my unemployment since all of the bigwigs in my company are now in the office for a meeting, and one of them is going to come up here to my desk and fire me for laughing so hard.

I’ll send you an invoice.

Ava

10

Dr. Laura takes over 911

DrLaura911: Hello? Welcome to “911”

Caller: “I have a fire in my kitchen! I need help!”

DrLaura911: “I’m sure you do. Are you sure this is a fire? Or are you just trying to create an emergency to distract from the ultimate sacrifices you need to make for your children?”

Caller: “I don’t have children! I have a FIRE IN MY KITCHEN!”

DrLaura911: “You don’t have a children? How about your husband then? Because perhaps the fire is a symbol for your relationship with your husband being hot and short-lived-- not at all a healthy thing for a long, stable marriage.”

Caller: “I HAVE A FIRE, DAMMIT!”

DrLaura911: “Do you not have a husband? Perhaps the fire is cover for your inability to commit? Or perhaps you’re one of those homosexuals and the fire is just a metaphor for succumbing to your godless desires?”

Caller: <SLAM!>

11

Alternatively:

[computer voice]

If you are having a health emergency, please press 1.

If your emergency requires police or firefighter assistance, please press 2.

For all other inquiries, please press 3. [presses 3]

…I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Please try again.

If you are having a health emergency, please press 1.

If your emergency requires police or firefighter assistance, please press 2.

For all other inquiries, please pr-- [presses 2]

…I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Please try again.

If you are having a health emergency, please press 1.

[presses 1]

I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Goodbye.

[click… dialtone]

12

“I’m sorry. This phone number is no longer in use…”

13

[Simpsons]

Hello… and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-U-Phone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

Bart punches some numbers

You have selected… regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one…

[/Simpsons]

14

The cost for this call is $3.99 per minute. If you don’t wish to be billed for this call, please hang up now.