This is an all-points bulletin concerning the whereabouts of Tim Pawlenty.
All citizens are urged to stay calm. Do not panic. Nothing has changed. Repeat. Nothing has changed.
Mr. Pawlenty remains in hiding where he has spent the past six months of this year. The race is not in danger. Nothing has changed. Repeat. Nothing has changed. Citizens will continue to not hear Mr. Pawlenty’s name mentioned.
James Richard “Rick” Perry will substitute for Mr. Pawlenty as third man from end in future GOP debates. No rhetoric or denunciations of current policy will deviate from talking points.
Remain in your homes. Unless you’d like to go out. Nothing has changed. Repeat. Nothing has changed.
That is all.