Enclosed, please find the cover letter I should have written

Dear Sir or Madam:

Let us sing now of the exploits of Lux Fiat of the Land of Three Rivers, who would win from you the title of Library Assistant. Has Hercules, whose labors were spoken of by the gods themselves, heard, in the hiss of the Hydra, of Lux Fiat’s dependability? His adaptability? Hercules has heard, and trembled.

Has terrible Thor, whose mighty arms will drive his divine hammer with all the fury of an Arctic storm onto the head of the World-Serpent, destroying the vast beast even as the gods lament their twilight, heard, in the rasp of scale against titan scale, of Lux Fiat’s ability, nay, willingness to lift boxes weighing up to 40 pounds? Thor has heard, and grown pale.

Has fickle Inanna, stripped of the accoutrements of her station as she passed through the Seven Gates into the the ultimate depths of the Land of the Dead, heard in the moaning of her sister Erishkigal, Queen of the Underworld, of Lux Fiat’s personability, comptetent demeanor, and professional appearance? Inanna has heard, and shivered in her nakedness.

Let us sing, then, of Lux Fiat, mightiest of job candidates. Who has not read of his days with the Large Office Appliance Supplier Who Cannot Be Named, learning the ways of the Machines That Mail? Who cannot recite, as though the stories were our own, the tales of his time spent in the Fortress of Manufacture of High-Tech Capital Machines, routing parts with the swift efficiency of ten men? Let us sing of him, for he is truly the Good Fit For The Available Position spoken of in prophecy, and his Career Goals are written across the sky in ten-foot letters of fire, in the secret language of the Archangels.

Now hire me already, you sperm-curdled sons of fifty fathers! HIRE! ME!


Awesome cover letter.

Did you get the job, or didn’t you?

No. Barren are the Plains of Employment where I have trod this past year.

Stupid @$&#ing temp work’s driving me nuts.

Too bad, Lux. But it is a great letter. I may rip it off someday. :smiley:

As someone who reads many cover letters, that would have been a treat to receive, and I would have scheduled an interview with the sender immediately. I did interview a candidate recently on the strength of her cover letter, which made the case that although she didn’t have any office experience, her previous career as a nursery school teacher provided her with many life skills, and illustrated her point with examples of pulling crayons out of people’s noses, stopping people from taking off their pants during lunch, and being vomited upon.

[sub]Ok, that wasn’t really advice to send the letter, I’m not too sure how many other people would go for it.[/sub]

Looking to work in the library huh?

Given the gift displayed in the letter why don’t you set your sights on writing your own book which would, no doubt, one day grace those immortal, dusty shelves.

I’m thinking a farcial take off on the Hobbit/Three Rings sort of thing populated by a lot of mostly inept Greek/Roman gods.

I’m tempted, believe me. Lord knows the straight ones I’ve sent haven’t borne fruit. Then again, writing cover letters makes my gut clench and my eyes bleed, so perhaps some of that sweating hatred comes through in my prose, inadvertently.

Crap. They’re onto me. I know it.

Send it!

Another vote to send it in. What have you to lose?

Can the **Mighty Lux Fiat ** unjam the fickle copy machine? :smiley:

Child’s play. :slight_smile:

Yes, but can you cross-reference alpha-numerically?

Oh yeah, I wanted to add my vote to make this cover letter marginally less out-there and go ahead and send it in. I’ve always wanted to do that - none of this stiff “My well-documented skills at blah blah blah…”

I think that would be a great letter to send. But I would edit the closing insults and substitute some complimentary language about how discerning and envied your prospective employers would be to add such a legendary figure to their payroll.

Good luck, Lux!

PLEASE, PLEASE submit the cover letter (with, as has been suggested previously, the last sentence deleted). It is magnificent. Anyone who would fail to call you for an interview after receiving such a missive doesn’t deserve to have you working for them in the first place.

Another voice in the crowd of people telling you to send it. It’s too creative to be ignored; they’ll probably at least have to schedule an interview.

I would hire you on the spot, Lux. Just for being so damn entertaining. “Call the Great Lux herewith, Lowly Minion In the Exterior Of My Lair, and Inform Him Of His Immediate and Highly Heralded Employment At my Esteemed…oh for God’s sake, call him! At the very least he sounds more invigorating than my cup of morning coffee! Hell, maybe he’ll bring a gourmet roast, and we can have some decent java around here, too…”

Okay, that last part is just futile longing on my part. I wish SOMEBODY would bring decent coffee to work. (I can’t, because I’m cheap.) I asked my boss why our coffee is so crappy, and he looked at me like I’d spoken Greek. “Hey, I could’ve ordered the cheapest stuff, but I didn’t!”

“This isn’t the cheapest stuff?”

“No, it’s the second cheapest,” he explained. With pride.


SEND IT, LUX. And bring good coffee to the interview. It’ll tip the scales, I swear.

I probably will send it to at least a couple of prospective employers, now that I’ve gone to all the trouble of composing it for you fine people. I mean, it’s not like I could do any worse that I already have, y’know? I guess, sadly, I would have to yank the bit about “sperm-curdled sons of fifty fathers,” though I do find it to be an almost musical phrase.

And I cannot agree strongly enough about the need for good coffee in an office. Last place I worked, a tin of Folgers was considered “the good stuff.” It was a trial.

It’s a library, for pity’s sake. Any librarian worth his or her salt would hire you immediately. I would, if I ran a library.

Send it, send it, send it.