Enigmatic if he’s prepared.

If you are going to blame anyone, blame batman (god knows it seems to be popular at the moment), but ever since I was very small one of the many secret things I wanted to do (you know, like owning the Dallas Cowboys) was assemble THE kit, the selection of stuff that would leave me prepared for all eventualities. At first all I really wanted was my own utility belt, but then I thought heck I can’t even afford the stuff to do that so we might as well embrace the full potential of the hypothetical.

So my request for you dopers is this, given the task of outfitting a totally hypothetical person for the maximum possible number of hypothetical unlikely eventualities and unlimited budget, what gear would you choose, what gadgets you would recommend, what clothes would you fit them with.

In short I am asking for the ultimate collection of real world person portable equipment with which to face the unknown.

The first person who suggests shark repellent can consider themselves chastised in advance.

Start with one of these on your belt.

one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings.

Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Spongebob band-aids and bactene for when you cut yourself with that.

Item #1 should be a really good pocket knife or a Leatherman. These guys can offer a few suggestions. Some people scoff at pocket knives, but if you have one, and you’re even the least bit handy, you’ll find yourself using it all the time.

A packet of waterproof matches, a small combination binoculars/magnifying glass thingy (I imagine someone somewhere makes such an item), a sewing needle (which can also be adapted into a compass), and a water-purifying cup.

I’d ditch the rubles – since when were they worth anything? Marlboros, OTOH…

Emergency pants.

As someone who’s tried, and failed, and tried again to do exactly what you’re proposing, let me make one simple statement: It’s simply impossible.

You have to accept that, at some point, you’re not going to have something you need.

Let’s start simple: A screwdriver. You can do a lot with a screwdriver, so let’s have one in there. Not only useful for removing and replacing screws, of course, but you can pry with it, you can poke stuff with it, you can point it at things, plenty of other uses if you’re clever. But… what if you actually need it to remove a screw… and it’s entirely the wrong size?

You need a minimum of two screwdrivers, anyway, if you’re gonna have any at all. And you need different sizes, too. An eyeglass screwdriver isn’t gonna do you much good under the hood of a truck, and vice-versa. So you need a screwdriver KIT.

Plus other tools… wrench, pliers, hammer, this, that, the other thing… before long ya look like Tim the Tool Guy. And THAT’s just to do, ya know, mechanical stuff.

So ya compromise. Ya really can’t do much with a hammer other than have it, ya know, a hammer… but you CAN get something like a Leatherman (as mentioned above) that has BOTH screwdrivers, PLUS a knife, PLUS a file, plus a bunch of other useful stuff. Excellent… you can almost carry that (and the hammer) without looking like a moron.

But there’s tons of other stuff to do, isn’t there? And if you try to cover EVERY possible activity, every possible thing you might possibly want to ever do, yer screwed. That’s a LOT of stuff, no matter how compact it might be.

A knife. A leather jacket. Good sturdy boots. Anything else ya need, you’re gonna have to get where you are, or do without.

If you’re lucky enough to have some advance notice of the situation… climate, civilization or lack thereof, technology level, valuable commodities for trade… then prepare specifically for that. Anything else, and you’re not just wasting time, you’re probably hindering yourself.

Zebra, your list seems awfully familiar… cold war era movie perhaps? One of the Bond films? Been ages since I’ve watched those. Your list is, in general, pretty darn good but it’s obviously russia-biased. Most of it wouldn’t do you much good in downtown Mexico City, or the middle of the Brazillian Rainforests.

A knife would. But your gun would beat it until it ran out of bullets.

Your mind is your most powerful, and versatile, tool. Remember that for every item you might put on your list, someone somewhere had to be the first to need (and make) one.

Oh, and vial of holy water, in case of zombie attack. Because you never know.