First thing you’re going to need to do is hide a paperclip somewhere on you. I suggest between cheek and gums, like a pinch of tobacco though I suppose you could also try for the anal cavity. At no time should you attempt both of those in succession.
Where you get the paperclip is entirely up to you. Maybe you were volunteering in the warden’s office to build a sense of trust and do some light bookkeeping. Maybe you were on a field trip with three other inmates to a baseball game and stopped off at an office supplies store. Maybe you’d always had it in your mouth and no one’s bothered to check all these years. The point is that all good escape plans start with a paperclip and so you’d be best to get it in any manner possible.
OK, so you have the paperclip. Now what?
Spit it out (or take it from your anus)! Careful now. That thing’s slippery and you’ve only got one chance at this before they night watch/maintenance guy comes by in a few minutes. I think you can hear him coming down the hallway now.
OK, now unbend the paperclip and stick one end into your handcuffs’ hole. Really just fiddle around in there. Work it back and forth real good. I’m not entirely sure what you’re doing, but, trust me, you’re going to eventually hear a click and that means you’ve unlocked it. Hurry now, the night watch/maintenance guy seems to be getting closer.
Fiddle around with the other side now. I guess this part isn’t technically necessary as you’re free of your handcuffs. But it just makes sense because if you plan to have any sort of life outside the mental institution you can’t have a pair of handcuffs just hanging off one of your wrists. That’s going to be a dead giveaway to even the most unobservant gumshoe.
If you happen to be in a level 2 security mental institution, understand that before the handcuffs come off you’re going to have to deal with the primary means of restraint: the straightjacket. This one is simple and requires no additional tools. Simply dislocate your shoulder on command (which you can do based upon a previous injury) and use the extra maneuverability to free yourself of these restraints. At this point you may ask (and believe me, as someone who has dislocated his shoulder several times I’m asking myself), “Ender. How in the world would dislocating my shoulder actually increase my range of motion?” to which I answer “Do you want to escape this mental institution or not? You do? Good, then stop asking stupid questions.”
OK. So you’re out of the straightjacket and you’re out of the handcuffs. Just in time. The night watch/maintenance guy is opening your door! Quick. Hide behind something! ARE YOU HIDING? Oh. Right. Sorry. [sub]Are you hiding?[/sub]. Well stop hiding! He’s turned around. Grab his flashlight/broom and hit him with it. Again! Don’t stop to wonder if he’s just an innocent minimum wage worker trying to get by and feed his family in an economy with 11% unemployment. You have no time for this philosophical shit. HIT HIM AGAIN! Good. He’s out.
Grab his keys. They’re going to be useful getting you into every room in this facility up to and including the director’s office where you can finally find that paperwork that will not only clear your name, but also prove that the entire reason you’re here is a conspiracy going far deeper than even you dared to imagine.
So you’re out in the hallway. Watch out for the nurse’s station at the end. Granted it’s 2 AM and there’s only two on duty and they’re both gossiping about a date from last night. But one push of the button and the entire place goes into lockdown with state of the art sliding bulletproof doors and klaxons and probably even knockout gas if the area is properly contained. Sure they spend $1.26 per patient per meal here. We’re in a recession. But advanced security comes from an entirely different budget.
OK so you’re on the ground crawling towards the exit. WAIT STOP! There’s that doctor who keeps prescribing you tranqs despite your protests. Damn you should pay him back. But not now. Not now…
Coast is clear. Keep going. OK, you’re clear and you’re running down the hallway. Watch out for the guard coming up on the left. Are you still carrying your flashlight/broom? You left it behind with the night watch/maintenance guy? What the hell man? Look, never mind. Just punch the guard.
DAMNIT! You punched him straight into the alarm system! Now you’ve done it. Klaxons everywhere. Run. Don’t think. Just run. Towards the elevator, genius. Hurry. One of those doors is closing in on one side and guards with guns are coming from the other. DIVE AND ROLL! You made it! No wait, your foot is stuck between the door and the wall. And the guard’s coming after you firing. Holy crap he’s a good shot. Look at those bullet holes. Pretty glad the door is bulletproof now, aren’t you?
So you pull your leg in and the door slides closed, which is a good thing because the warden has now appeared on the other side yelling at one of the nameless lackeys to get the door open and the lackey starts fumbling around explaining about the redundancies in the security measure and pressure locks and the warden screams “Goddamnit I don’t care about these details. JUST OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!”
It’s at this point I should warn you about something. You’re not just being chased at this point by the screaming warden, the bumbling guards, the gossiping nurses and the unconscious night watch/maintenance guy. You’re being hunted by a machine. A mimetic poly-alloy, liquid metal, that can imitate any living thing it touches (but not advanced machinery because that would be too difficult). But coming up the elevator at this very moment is a T-800. DON’T PANIC! I know you’ve had your differences in the past but he’s here to help.
At this point I believe my guide should end. Not because you’re out of danger. Far from it. In fact it would be safe to say that things have never been more perilous for you than at this very moment. Indeed, the fate of the world hangs in the balance of the decisions you will make over the next few minutes. But I feel that the T-800 will serve as a much better guide to your situation than I will ever be.
Go with him if you want to live.
