Esprix & Dr. Boyfriend

hugs Esprix hard

No magic words here…just know I’ll be thinking of you. And if you make it down to Baltimore, lemme know…we’ll throw a party for you.

Esprix, I don’t think you really know me, but I do read a lot of the words you write here and I love your humor and sensitivity. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for the best situation. A hug from here.


I won’t bore you with the long story, but I went through something somewhat similar too. Had been with loved/loving (but not lifetime) partner for several years, came to realize that I wanted a major life change which entailed moving across the country, had to have the conversation and make the announcement (“pulling the trigger” is a good phrase). It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do and I’ve never regretted it. You won’t either. Kind, sympathetic thoughts and good wishes are with you.

Oh, Esprix, sometimes life sucks, y’know?

It sounds like you know what you need to do, you’ve just got to get to it. It ain’t easy, for damn sure.

Good luck with the talk and best wishes for your new life on the coast!

First, let me apologize for being a jerk in the AAA sucks thread in the pit. I was harsher on you than I wish I’d been. As I said, I would have apologized there but it was the pit. Oh, and the same to NTG if you’re reading.

But back on topic, it sounds like you have your head screwed on straight - you need to live your life, and if Dr. Boyfriend and you have not made a commitment, you owe yourself more loyalty than you owe him. Moving on with your life sounds like the right thing.

The only piece of advice I’d give is to talk to him sooner rather than later - if you wait until just before you leave on vacation, it could be kinda rough on him. I’d rather stick around after the talk to be able to help him through it (if he needs help) than just have the talk and then take off leaving him to wallow in self-loathing and fear.

In any case, work up your courage and believe in yourself. You’ve got a lot of life to live, so get busy!


You know what you have to do. You know why you have to do it. You know how you’ll go about doing it. Just those three things mean you’re so far ahead of the crowd, they’ll never catch you.

When you get out to San Diego, give me a yell, and I’ll take you to my favorite Italian place.


It sounds like you have a really good handle on whats best for you. That doesnt mean itll be (was? not sure of timing) fun or easy talking with Dr. B about it.

For what it’s worth, Im sending you good thoughts, and remember that your first responsibility is to do what will ultimately bring you the most satisfaction.


Well, I’m surprised you even have to ask. I live in the best little city in the whole damn world :smiley: San Francisco.

If you make it CA in time you just have to come up for the Folsom Street Fair. In fact maybe I’ll try to get together a bunch of dopers for it.

And good luck again.

Esprix: I live near the little resort town/tourist trap known as Monterey. About 2 hours south of San Francisco. My actual town is Marina, but it’s a small bedroom community no one really knows about, so I just say Monterey usually.

I don’t know if this is just a chick thing, but I would be pissed if I were in Dr. Boyfriend’s place.

Even though you haven’t had THE Talk, he’s committed (at minimum) to staying in the same town (where he thought you were going to be) for the next three years. Did he really want to do his residency in PA or is he staying in town because of you?

Then there’s the fact that you want to continue seeing him until you leave. To a chick, that would be adding insult to injury. Kind of like saying, “Well, I don’t want to be alone for the next four months, so I guess I’ll spend it with you.”

Then again, it could be just a chick thing.

That said, I say go! Follow your heart! I wish you all the luck in the world, San Diego is awesome!

Oh, and if you ever get to San Jose, I expect you to stop by for a drink.

Dopers at the Folsom Street Fair?!:eek:

I have to see that!
I’ll be watching from a safe distance. :smiley:

(now where are my binoculars?)

Hey, you’re visiting all these guys and not me?

Seriously, I do have one ethical question to ask. Ordinarily it would be none of my business, but as you’ve decided to devote an entire thread to this issue, I will ask it anyway, and you can take it or leave it.

I have seen your relationship described elsewhere on this message board (not by yourself, admittedly) as a dedication to a life partner. At this point, you are dropping it simply because - if I may paraphrase W.C. Fields - on the whole you’d rather not be in Philadelphia. This is fine for you. Live your own life etc. My question concerns whether your partner understood your level of commitment to the relationship.

You say that you’ve never had an outright discussion concerning the nature of the relationship. But even without an outright discussion, there are certain understandings that can be developed from the parties’ actions. One such common assumption is that while not committing just yet, and while unsure if the relationship will “work out”, if the relationship does work out it will be a lasting one. In your case, you don’t seem to have any problems with the relationship working out, but have decided to drop it anyway.

The importance of this is obvious. If one party is misled as to the nature of the relationship, that party can make sacrifices for the relationship in the mistaken belief that if they worked hard at it and made it work they would be rewarded with a longlasting relationship. These sacrifices can be financial, emotional or simply the time out of their lives that they spend developing the relationship.

Women are frequently victimized in this manner. This has been alluded to earlier by Sue Duhnym, and I believe it is a serious ethical concern.

Thanks again to everyone for their comments and support.

douglips, I’d forgotten the exchange ever happened. No harm, no foul. And yes, I do need to talk to him very soon.

phouka, oldscratch and Doob, you best be careful, or I might take you up on your offers… :slight_smile:

Dr. Boyfriend had his first choice in mind before he met me, and it just happens to be in Philadelphia. He also has family just over the bridge in New Jersey, so he never wanted to travel very far in the first place. So, no, he’s not staying in town because of me - it was just a happy coincidence.

Are you familiar with the medical school match process? Usually by the fourth year of med school students have decided what they want to specialize in. Then they start looking into programs. From November through January they start interviewing at different programs. Dr. Boyfriend interviewed in about a dozen places, including programs in Philadelphia, New York City, DC, Baltimore, Virginia, northern New Jersey, and even one in San Francisco. After interviewing at the place he thought would be his first choice in Philadelphia, it confirmed that he felt the program was right for him. In March all students submit a list ranking the programs they want to be in; similarly, the programs do the same of the candidates they interviewed. All this information gets put into a computer, and at noon on match day in May, every medical student in the country finds out what program they will be in for the next several years. Some get their first choice, some their second, some farther down the list, and a rare few don’t get placed at all, which means they have to make a mad scramble to find programs that didn’t get all their positions filled and see if they can get in.

In December Dr. Boyfriend and I were at a Christmas party and I mentioned that his number one and two picks were in Philadelphia, but his number three and four were in New York. Someone said, “Well if he gets matched in New York, doees that mean you’re moving?” Dr. B and I just looked at each other and both said, “Oh, no, I don’t think so.” There was always been the possibility that he would be the one leaving me, because we weren’t at the stage where I was ready to move in with him, let alone move to another city with him (while he started his residency program no less). It wasn’t until he actually matched with his number one choice that I realized there was a part of me that wanted him to match in NY, thereby severing the last tie I had that was keeping me in Philadelphia. Thus started my little situation.

Although I’m not 100% certain how he will react, I really think he’ll agree that that would be a good plan of action. Why cut off our nose despite our face? We’ve got a good thing going, we enjoy each other’s company, we enjoy the companionship, we’re very good to and for each other. Granted, I’m going to leave it up to him - if he says it’s awkward or not proper, then so be it. And, who knows? Maybe I’ll find it to be inappropriate as well. We’ll have to talk it out. I promise neither of us is taking advantage of the other - we really do care about each other.

I do have friends in San Jose and San Fran, so don’t be surprised if I come to see you, too. :wink:

OK, OK - where are you located?

Actually, I just clarified this the other day in another thread. People have used our relationship as an example of a dedicated gay couple, and I’ve let it slide for the most part, but it was never clear that it was more of a “you” in a general sense rather than a “you” specific (referring to us). We’re a couple that’s been together for a while, but we do not have any kind of lifetime commitment. However, if folks still want to use us as the hypothetical gay couple for debating purposes, I have no problem with that.

Dr. Boyfriend has always known that San Diego has been a possibility - after all, I had just gotten back about a month before he and I met. I’ve always downplayed it as a possibility rather than a probability because (a) until recently it was just that; and (b) I had no idea we’d last (my track record ain’t so hot, so I always assume my affairs will be short-lived, and never thought we’d get past the casual dating phase). Since I made up my mind in April, he and I have had several talks about my feeling like I need to be doing something more substantial with my life, so he knows some change is on the way. Plus, he knows I’d made the decision to move, but I’ve always said it’d be either here or San Diego (again, treating SD as possible only). So he won’t be surprised that I’ve made a drastic life-altering decision, but I think he will be surprised that the possible has now become fact.

I agree, and even without this big news, he and I have been long overdue for a relationship discussion, so we were planning to have one soon anyway (we were going to wait until he finished his first rotation, surgery, which he just did - it was hellish).

I suppose I should make it clear that I do have my doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship. Nothing earth-shattering, but as we’ve gotten to know each other, little normal things have cropped up that I think might affect our relationship, and they’d need to be discussed under any circumstances. If I were staying in Philadelphia I would want to continue to see him, yes, but at this moment I have my doubts whether it would last beyond another month, another year, or whatever. However, if I were to stay, I’d obviously discuss these things with him and see if we could work them out, and then - who knows?

I should also say that I haven’t really committed myself 100% to this relationship - there have been a few things (emotionally, mostly) that I’ve held back simply because I didn’t know what decisions I would be making during the course of our relationship (ever since I left for San Diego I’ve been on this “my life needs more meaning” search, so it’s been an ongoing thought in my mind for over two years now, and he knows this). The uncertainty of it all - will we last or won’t we? Will I move to San Diego or stay here? - left me holding back a bit. I take responsibility for this. Similarly, I know he loves me and cares for me, but I’m certain he has his doubts as well. Again, this is all stuff we’ve needed to discuss really since we started dating more seriously.

I really don’t feel anyone has been mislead, but I also feel we’re overdue for a talk. Oddly, I’ve had people say to me, “Well if things are going so well, what do you have to talk about.” Granted these were men (if I can be a bit stereotypical for a woman), but I guess I’m just an old-fashioned girl :slight_smile: - I like to discuss this kind of stuff. We all know how important communication is.

Again, thanks everyone for your input.


hey . . . much luck . . . I’m sure things will work out.

Certainly I’ll offer you hugs and kind thoughts. Hell, I’ll throw in a back rub and a friendly kiss on the cheek in gratitude for the frisson of recognition I had when I read your paragraphs here. What you’ve said here, I could have said, word for word, about me and my future-doctor ex, with whom I mutually broke up after our time in Philadelphia. Ending a relationship with someone who is not a jerk, and who you still care for, is no fun at all. I think you know what you are doing, and I wish you the best.

Have the Philly Dopers had a Doperfest yet? If not, perhaps they should before you go (I would attend.)

The subject has been breached.

On the ride home from the beach this weekend, Dr. Boyfriend was making suggestions about what he/we might want to do when his week vacation rolls around in November (suggestions included NYC, Key West or Provincetown). I chimed in with a few as well, but said, “We’ll decide later - a lot can happen between now and then.”

“Like what?” asks he.

“Well, like I could move,” responded I, meaning the costs of moving around the same time might prohibit an expensive trip.

“You’re not moving to San Diego on me, are you?”


So I let him know that San Diego was more of a possibility than previously acknowledged, and asked him what he would think if I decided to move. He said, “I would never want to hold you back - but I’d miss you.” :frowning:

So he’s reacting the way I figured he would.

We also talked a little bit about our relationship, and the only thing that bugs him is that I’m not compassionate enough when he gets a boo-boo. :slight_smile:

So now I just have to tell him I actually have decided… {SIGH}


Esprix - I’m glad you finally talked to him about it, and that it went so well. Worrying about it was probably worse than talking, wasn’t it? Now I have to get you to Tennessee to see if my vet is gay or straight. :slight_smile:


Good job Esprix. I think you handled it well. Good luck with the rest of it. Keep us updated.

Esprix: Good job.

Oh, and:

No way, girl, I have dibbs.

Just like me to post to threads a couple of hours before I leave for 3 weeks, eh? :wink:

Just to let you guys know, I’m going to tell Dr. Boyfriend I’m making my decision during my vacation, so as soon as I get back, it goes from “more than just possible” to “a done deal.” I’m a little more comfortable, though, that it’s not going to be as hurtful as I feared it might be.

Thanks for the input, all. Headin’ back to 14th c. Scotland now… :wink: