It seems I have a situation.
Normally I would not share such detailed personal information on this board, as I’ve seen first-hand what happens when you open Pandora’s Box. Still, I’ve been mulling this over in my head for quite some time, and I need some further input that I can’t get anywhere else right now.
In the fall of 1998 two very old and dear friends of mine, almost on a whim, invited me to come live with them in San Diego (I live in Philadelphia, for those who don’t know). Feeling a distinct need for a change of venue, I decided to take them up on it, and so for two months I lived in California. I had just found out that the True Love of My Life had moved on to a new relationship, I was without a permanent job situation (I was, and still am, temping), and in general I was feeling a great wanderlust and looking for a new direction, so this was a refreshing change of pace.
San Diego, of course, is a wonderful town - very friendly folk, not too big of a city, and my housemates and I turned out to be far, far more compatible than we’d ever imagined. In fact, we got along so well, that they have actively been campaigning me to move in - the room is still mine any time I want it, virtually rent-free (they want the company, but they don’t really need the money). Plus, they live extraordinarily close to UCSD, where I’ve thought about temping to get an “in” to get back to school (once I figure out what it is I want to go back to school for). So I’ve always had the option of moving there any time I liked, really. Still, I had always intended it to be temporary, a sort of “trial run” to see what it was like (after all, I’ve never lived more than 20 miles from home, and at the moment I’m still living with my folks - leaving behind 30 years, my family and my friends is not something I’d do on a whim), so I returned home after 2 months (a month longer than I’d originally intended).
While there I fully realized that my True Love was, indeed, my True Love, and I began a long process of accepting that, talking to him about it, and realizing that he wasn’t going to marry me like I’d hoped. At the same time, I met Dr. Boyfriend, and we started dating. (This was just under a year and a half ago.)
Meanwhile, I’ve been marking time here at home - decent job, but just temping, more than ready to move out on my own (Mom and Dad are driving me insane at the moment), and having a stable, decent relationship for a change. But marking time, it seems, is not enough for me. Frankly, I’m looking for purpose, and have been for quite some time. What job do I want? What do I want to contribute to the world? What do I want to leave behind? (Am I have my midlife crisis early? ;)) I came just shy of completing my music education degree, and since then have been working at jobs, but I’ve been trying to figure out what career would give me the most fulfillment (this may include going back to school). One of the first steps was my new year’s resolution for 2000 - move out into my own place before the end of the year.
When I started dating Dr. Boyfriend, he was a fourth year medical student, so when he graduated this past May he had to interview for his residency program and rank them accordingly. His first two choices were in Philadelphia, and his next two were in NYC. When Match Day came, he was thrilled that he got his number one choice.
I, however, discovered that I wasn’t as happy. After pondering it for a while, I realized that I’d wanted him to end up in NY, because, you see, then it would be easier for me to do what I really wanted to do - move to San Diego.
At that point I realized he was the only thing holding me to the east coast - I can temp anywhere, and I love my family and friends but have learned that I can live farther away from them. I thought about this while he was away for six weeks in Atlanta and decided that, yes, although I want both a relationship with him and to move, I need to move more, because I need to do it for me. I’ve said to friends before that moving somewhere solely to be with someone is a bad idea, so equally staying somewhere solely to be with someone is also bad, particularly when I know this is what I want to do.
Now that he’s started his residency, he is absolutely tied to Philadelphia for the next three years, so, I can’t have both (and no, a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work for either of us). And, in a way, I don’t want both - if I move to San Diego, new face in a new town, I’m not so certain I want to be in a relationship. I’ve always enjoyed being single, and especially since this is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, the idea of being single again is kind of exciting. Still, he means an awful lot to me, and if I were to stay in Philadelphia, I know that he and I would continue dating.
Oddly, Dr. Boyfriend and I have never had a “relationship discussion” during our time together, and we’ve both remarked that we ought to get around to doing so. Well, it looks like the first one we’re going to have will be our last, as I’m gearing up to tell him shortly.
Right after match he went to Atlanta, then came home and had just a few short weeks to move across town, then came graduation, and then immediately after that came the start of his residency. Really I’d made up my mind way back when he was in Atlanta, but the timing has never been right to tell him. (Since I knew this vacation was coming up in August, I decided that my move would take place immediately afterwards, and no later than the end of the year.) Now, however, there are no more excuses - I need to tell him before I leave for my vacation in August so that he has time when I’m gone to think about things. This gives me about 3 weeks.
Being as we’ve been serious-but-not-serious, that is to say, we’ve been dating, but have never made any kind of explicit commitment to each other (in the beginning of our relationship I did see other people, but he’s not built as socially as I am, but later it’s been just him; we didn’t consider ourselves “serious” or “boyfriends” until this past Christmas), what I’d like is to continue to see him until I leave (which, at this point, will probably be in October, right around my birthday). I don’t know if he’ll agree with this or not, and I have to be prepared that he might not want to see me again (well, at least romantically). I have hardly ever had problems remaining friends with the people I’ve dated, and I have every confidence that Dr. Boyfriend and I will be friends for the rest of our lives, as we really do care for each other deeply, so I know that no matter what his reaction will be, we will always be a part of each other’s lives. What I really hate is the probability that I’m going to hurt him with this news, especially as I’m sure he doesn’t see this coming. (I have discussed my “life issues” and the fact that I desperately want to move with him quite a few times, and he’s always known that the San Diego offer was outstanding, but up until now I always downplayed it because I didn’t know how seriously I was going to take the offer, nor how serious he and I would end up becoming romantically.)
{SIGH}
Needless to say I’m not looking forward to this conversation. I think, though, I know how to talk to him (and he really is easy to talk to). I know that if he understands this is really what I need to do with my life, he’ll be able to deal with it. It’s just that getting there is going to be, well, not fun.
OK, comforting hugs and wise words of compassion are appreciated. I’m not really looking for “advice” per se as I already pretty much know how I’m going to handle it - I just wanted to vent, as I haven’t told my folks or any of my friends here yet (I wanted Dr. Boyfriend to be the first here to know, but I did already talk to my future housemates to let them know I’d decided - they are, of course, thrilled to death). And if you want to flame me, I will ignore you. 
Esprix
Where do you live? (Same question to you, Doob.)