The one where the seemingly great guy turns not to be what he seems, starring that actress from that show that was on back in the 70’s or 80’s or 90’s?
If you are hearing that, then you are assuming far too much. I am very comfortable with living in my own skin, and I have boundaries that only I can define – just as you do. I have already said, he is doing nothing wrong or improper. He is just unknowingly (because I haven’t told him) stumbling into one of my well-defined boundaries.
I love men. I am married to one, and mama to one in training. I enjoy the company of men. But I do choose to have close personal friendships with women. Actually, not even that – I have close personal male friends. I just choose not to go alone with them to bars.
I laughed at the number of times I counted ‘husband’ 
He invites me to his kid’s birthday parties. I have met his wife. They appear to be a very happy and openly loving young couple. I really think, he sees a person whom he likes and respects, and a woman who is a decade older than him and no more his physical type than he is mine. I think he would probably laugh at the husband references too.
It occurs to me that I am not giving him enough credit. Once we start working together, I will swallow my fear of embarrassment and just try to find a way to tell him, we ain’t hangin’ in bars together, Junior.
And I no longer have the ability to help anyone with developing their careers. I’m starting on equal footing with him, in a field that is only somewhat familiar to me in that it is still government work. I am genuinely excited about that. I will be focusing on developing my own career path. Starting over at 45 
No, that’s not weird to me. But what’s weird is that you deny it’s because of the potential for things going beyond platonic.
If he were a gay male would you spend 1:1 time with him in a bar?
Wow, OK - I think people are reading waaaaaaay too much into this.
If this guy invites you to his kid’s birthday parties, and you accept, and you’ve met him and his wife together, there is no way on og’s green earth he is going to ‘get the message’ that you’re not ‘comfortable’ going out for drinks with him. You’ve worked together. It sounds like you have a lot of mutual friends. He knows you occasionally partake in the chilled alcoholic beverage. You consider each other friends. He’s heading out for some drinks, at a place where it sounds like you (and your mutual friends) both go to on occasion. What in the world is the big deal?
I guess the only thing that crossed my mind was - why is this guy at happy hour so often with a wife and kid at home? But whatever; to each his own.
Why OP feels like she can have ‘close personal male friends’, but can’t meet them in bars, is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, but I’m sure the OP loves to wrap herself up in this random, completely arbitrary, self-imposed +6 Cloak of Superiority: ‘I can have coffee at Starbucks with you, but an alcoholic beverage at a place that serves other adult beverages? Oh no, that just crosses the line’. :rolleyes:
You don’t need to give any reason for why you sometimes decline his invitations. If you don’t like it, tell 'im. But don’t blame him for not ‘getting’ your ridiculous, arbitrary ‘message’. Grow up already.
I’m a guy and also a pretty blunt person, but I would say something like, “it’d be weird if it was just the two of us,” not in an aggressive way, just in a matter of fact way.
That’s cool. I apologize if I came across as snarky. I’m just a little confused as you said you had no worries of him stepping outside of the “friend zone”.
Dude, this says more about you than about anyone else. The OP has the right to set and maintain whatever boundaries she chooses.
Yeah, those situations are totally identical, because they’re the exact same environment, plus coffee and alcohol affect people’s behavior and perceptions in exactly the same way. :rolleyes:
If having a drink with a friend lowers your inhibitions so much that you would cross boundaries of friendship, then either you’re drunk and stupid or you wanted to knock off a piece to begin with.
ETA of course, I don’t mean you specifically.
Amazingly, as a married, grown adult, I have this incredible, apparently rare ability to partake of alcoholic beverages in the company of friends and co-workers of the opposite sex without being overcome with the urge to get naked with them.
Shocking, I know.
And you must also have the ability to control the behavior of whoever you are drinking with to prevent them from doings something stupid that would taint the friendship. You should really go on the lecture circuit to demonstrate your amazing mind control powers.
If by ‘mind control’ you mean ‘having a drink or two and going home’, then yes, I guess I do.
Or maybe I’m smart enough to head off problems before they become a problem.
Or maybe I just have better friends.
In any event, your snark is off-target; OP didn’t say she couldn’t meet the guy in the bar because she was worried he or she’d do anything inappropriate, she said she ‘didn’t meet guys 1:1 in bars, period’. Because bars are nasty and erotic. Or something.
What the hell? Taking a few facts and twisting them into highly charged shrieking of my moral values?
Ok, I love it If I didn’t, I wouldn’t keep coming back to the Dope. I’m sure in a few days or weeks, I’ll have a chance to return the favor (laughing).
This is not his problem and not his fault. It is all about me, and what I am comfortable with. You are free to think it is arbitrary and stupid. But since I’ve gone out of my way several times to make it very clear, both in my own explanation and when correcting the confused assumptions that people initially made because I wasn’t quite clear enough initially:
This is not his fault.
He has done nothing wrong.
I have not told him that I am uncomfortable with socializing 1-1 outside of work.
It is my responsibility to do so; I own this completely.
… I am wondering why you’re screeching about how I’m “blaming” this poor, misunderstood guy for my “hang ups”.
Someone asked me if I’d be comfortable, same scenario, hanging with a gay man. I thought about that. Yes, with qualifications. If it is a work companion, and he’s “out”, then there wouldn’t be the possibility of scandalized whispering. That, more than anything, concerns me. Some may find this artificial and overly status conscious. That’s fine. I am ambitious, and I know how office politics works. This isn’t my only issue, but it is a biggie.
I do have several lesbian friends and I am just fine with 1-1 socializing. So no, it’s not concern about a torrid affair springing from an innocent friendship (le gasp!!).
I think that’s really a dangerous attitude, because it links ethical behavior to somehow being totally pure of heart. As if fidelity is only worthwhile if it is the result of not being attracted to someone else, as if “true love” insulates against attraction. I love my husband. I’ve never been unfaithful to him. But I avoid developing the sorts of relationships that could develop into attraction, because I am humble enough to know that a person doesn’t actually control their emotions: emotions happen and we control our reaction to them.
If you are committed to someone and love them, and then you fall for someone else as well, you are pretty much fucked. No matter what, you are in for a world of pain, and even if you stay faithful–even if the object of your attraction never knows–you’re in this horrible place where you have to keep this emotional wringer secret from the person you normally share your emotional wringers with, and that’s awful: long after you’ve worked through the attraction, you’re left with the legacy of this big emotional secret, this Major Event In Your Life they can’t ever know happened while they were sitting right next to you.
That’s damaging enough to want to avoid coming anywhere near it, and reasonable to have black-line boundaries that have a wide margin of safety. The cost of doing so is low (opting out of a few sorts of social situations) and the potential damage is high.
I just think it’s hubris to be 100% confident that getting sucker-punched by a serious attraction could never happen if your love is pure, or because you are “an adult”. Hormones are funny things.
Tracijo67, your policy of not having drinks 1:1 with guys is entirely reasonable and sensible. Also, it’s not at all uncommon.
However, you’ll continue to get flamed for having this attitude because there are lots of people with rather unusual opinions on the topic that frequent this board.
Admitting to acknowledging any sort of differences between the genders or altering your behavior towards someone based on gender sets off the crazy in a lot of people with hang ups.
You’ll get the “You hate all men!” people, as we’re already seeing. Plus soon there will be the “Rape culture!” people. They make the first group look sane by comparison.
OK, I’ll apologize for the shrieking <g> - but yeah, I find the whole 'can’t have drinks 1:1 ‘cause people might talk’ thing just incredibly childish once you’re past junior high school. We’re all adults, and I’ve found that acting like one usually means being treated like one. I’d seriously consider my group of friends and co-workers if having a beer with someone of the opposite sex sparked ‘scandalized whisperings’…
In which case it sounds like you need to avoid more than ‘just a few social situations’, you need to pretty much stay at home 24/7, no? If you can’t trust yourself to not be knocked off your feet at some point?
In general, the SDMB is a good place to get fashion advice on what to wear to a LARP or whether to start reading a particular magna series. On how to navigate relationships between adults? Not so much.
[QUOTE=Manda Jo]
But I avoid developing the sorts of relationships that could develop into attraction, because I am humble enough to know that a person doesn’t actually control their emotions: emotions happen and we control our reaction to them.
[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. But attraction can develop over lunch in a deli just as easily as it can over drinks in a bar. I get the boundaries part, and I get the part about not putting yourself into situations that are potentially tempting, but I don’t get the 1:1 is fine and welcomed, unless its a bar.
I think Manda JO’s advice is really good. If he’s inviting you for drinks 1:1 and that’s not comfortable, but lunch would be, switch up the invitation. You don’t have to say why, just “I can’t make that, but how about lunch?”
Or, you can say something like “I usually like to head straight home unless there’s a big social event” or “Unless everyone is going.”