Not ok for guy with girlfriend to keep in touch with female co-worker?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My real life friends think this guy is a bit nutty and has major issues, but I’m curious as to what you guys think.

In summary- I was friends with a co-worker (I was his supervisor actually although the job is casual enough that it wasn’t a big deal) who is a dude. He left, but told me he wanted to keep in touch. He invited me to a party and I met his girlfriend who was very nice and welcoming. I invited them a few weekends after the party to come see me and another friend. Another former co-worker was invited but couldn’t make it. Then a few weekends later this guy invited me to a play written by one of his new co-workers and we spent time hanging out with them (girlfriend was not present). I saw him briefly twice in the company of another new co-worker (who is female which may or may not be relevant. Girlfriend was again not present).

Anyway- to be reciprocal I invited him to my friend’s play which he said multiple times he wanted to go to. Dude flakes out on me- I tell him I’m hurt and disappointed because I was very proud of their play, none of my other friends were interested in the subject matter, and my friend was going to arrange a special discount. Maybe I overreacted- I actually sent a follow up apologizing and explaining that I was just really excited by it, no one else wanted to go, I thought he was into the play, and I went by myself in the end.

He replied by sending me a seven paragraph document in addition to multiple text messages outlining why he cannot hang out with me, how hard his new job is, he’s an introvert, blah blah blah, but then he said that he thinks it’s improper for us to socialize alone because he has a girlfriend. Despite the fact that we have never socialized alone and his girlfriend was present twice and he was the one who didn’t invite her to the first play. He thought he was sending out the “wrong messages” and so on. So of course I apologized, told him how nice his girlfriend is, that I really liked her, and that I was not trying to date him (duh). He says this other girl we know wanted to date him and it really freaked him out. Whatever. I actually got a free book out of that relationship as he borrowed a book from this girl, she didn’t want it back and now it’s mine. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao**.

The last time we spoke I told him I respected his relationship, but he cannot go around assuming that his female colleagues want to date him as that can lead to major problems in the workplace. I also let him know that I don’t really get it as he was the one who initiated the continued friendship, not me.

His response was that he’s well aware of feminism, his friend is president of some feminist society in his native country and he’s annoyed I think he’s like that, blah blah blah. I told him I must have misunderstood due to being blindsided by that whole aspect and that was it.

So, I think he’s a little strange to say the least. I’m guessing the most logical explanation is that he has a habit of getting close to female co-workers and the girlfriend is jealous. Either that or she’s not jealous, but he feels tempted to cheat. Or he’s just a huge weirdo. I just feel really bad, because I genuinely liked his other friends including the girlfriend and we had all these plans to do things together (not just the three of us- I mean a larger group).

I’m not planning on continuing to push it, but I might drop him a line before his work visa expires to see if we can at least say goodbye before he leaves. I just hate to have everything end on such a negative note, but if that’s how he wants it then I respect that. I started another thread regarding people who drop off the face of the Earth and some were of the opinion that it’s selfish to even follow up, but I don’t think it’s awful to drop him a line before he leaves the country to let him know that at least on my end there are no hard feelings. I obviously don’t expect him to even want to see me nor do I think that’s extremely intrusive since this won’t be for another few months.

This is most likely not a cultural misunderstanding as he is from one of England’s former colonies that was primarily colonized by English people so their customs are nearly identical to American ones (sorry, trying to get across where he’s from without revealing identifying details).

2

Inviting someone to a play is just asking for drama.

3

I wish we had a “like” button on this board.

4

Aaanyway:

[ol]
[li]He’s in to you[/li][li]He feels guilty about it[/li][li]His girlfriend may or may not have anything to do with it[/li][li]He’s a giant wiener[/li][li]Forget about him[/li][/ol]

Guys who are secure in their romantic relationships, and have truly mutually platonic relationships with their female friends, do not send multiple text messages, let alone multi-paragraph email tantrums, to those female friends when plans don’t work out.

5

To me, it sounds like he thinks that every girl he interacts with might turn into something. Whether it’s the “I’m so awesome, girls just can’t resist me” mentality or “I’m an introvert and shy and non-confrontational and if she likes me I don’t want to have to say no so I’m preemptively turning down every girl that even looks in my direction*” mentality. Either way, all I’m saying is that he might be trying to make sure he doesn’t mess up his current relationship.
IOW, he meets some new, female, co-worker. She wants to have a casual lunch with him. She’s totally not into him. But he’s worried that she might be and she might ask him out and he’ll have to be a jerk and say no. So, instead of accepting the casual lunch at work thing he can say “I’ll take a pass, I have a girlfriend and I think it might be weird if I have lunch with another girl”, now he’ll never be in that situation with her (even though he never would have been to begin with).
I understand it, but it’s a good way to end up with no friends. It’s a good way to get labeled as ‘that guy with the mean girlfriend that won’t let him hangout with anyone’. I can understand not wanting to hangout with someone who might actually be a threat, who might actually like you (or you them), but it sounds like he might be taking it too far.

Or his girlfriend sees you as a threat and told him not to hang out with you anymore, so there’s that too. That’s a very real possibility.

*does he mention his girlfriend anytime he’s in mixed company?

ETA, just let him go. It’s not worth your time or stress. He’s already moved on and you need to too. Pretend like he’s already gone.

6

I’d think he just really has a huge crush on his girlfriend and is terrified to do anything that might remotely hint at impropriety and hurt his relationship.

I’ve worked with a couple of women like that - if a guy started any casual non-work-related conversation, they tensed up and started referring to their husband (giving extra emphasis on the word husband so you got the message). I found it faintly annoying because I wasn’t remotely hitting on them, but not a big deal … that’s what happens when some people find their soulmate.

7

To answer this aspect, no, he’s pretty quiet about having a girlfriend and I was actually surprised when I found out since he’s only in this country for a year- how does he expect their relationship to work out? Not that I would ever say that to him, but in my opinion this is a dumb time to start a relationship. He is not Canadian so it’s not like visiting each other is going to be easy. She is American and goes to college here as an older/somewhat non-traditional student.

Maybe his new co-workers thought I** was the girlfriend as he offered no explanation for who I was when we saw them aside from my name and maybe that freaked him out and he’s too much of a dumbo to have explained that we used to work together, that’s all.

I have no idea if he’s moved on or not, but I’ve accepted that he’s gone from being friends with me at least.

8

Work visa thing? He is worried about it being messed up?

I’m just throwing stuff out there. It seems odd, but people are odd.

9

I don’t see how his work visa could get messed up. It’s a one year visa that’s one year regardless of what happens. I’m basing this off what my roommate who’s from another country told me, but I think if he wanted to renew he’d have to leave the country and renew from home and then come back. I could be wrong though, I know it depends on the country. And I honestly have no idea if he wants to stay or not. The girlfriend mentioned the possibility of going there, but who knows.

I wish them the best. It just sounds like an awful lot of trouble to make a commitment like that in your early twenties, but some people meet their soul mates young. Or they just haven’t truly thought the logistics through.

10

Sorry- too late for the edit window, but I want to clarify that I never in my life said or implied anything, even unintentionally, criticizing their relationship, the timing, whatever.

Relating to Joey P****'s question about whether or not he mentions her- he doesn’t at all, so she’s never come up in conversation when not being present. In fact he’s just referred to her as “a friend” and he’s said stuff like “I have a friend who likes Wes Anderson” and I’m like “Oh, you mean Girlfriend! She was telling me about that!” and he’s like “Yeah…”

11

It seems, based on your rather lengthy and detailed OP, and your desire to be in touch with him again, that you feel … invested … in this situation. The question is, why? He sounds like nothing more than a casual friend with whom you had an unpleasant tiff. Let it go - it’s pretty clear that’s what he wants to do.

If you must send him a note, don’t ask to see him before he leaves (I assume that’s what you mean by “to see if we can at least say goodbye”). Just send him a note saying you enjoyed knowing him, you don’t want to leave things on a negative note, and you wish him well. Then don’t worry about it any more.

12

I guess it’s just the general annoyance of being friend dumped when I did nothing wrong. I don’t think he hates me forever, because in his lengthy essay he said I have a great personality, I was his favorite co-worker, he looked forward to seeing me, blah blah blah.

But yeah, you’re right, he probably doesn’t want to see me again so I should leave out any hint of wanting to see him in the note.

13

So much win for one post.

14

Not always. Sometimes it turns into a farce.

15

I have to join in the chorus of bravos for this one.

Anyway, he sounds flaky/awkward/something. A seven-paragraph essay plus addendae on Why This Cannot Be is really kind of overreacting.

16

Were all your other meetups group things? If so, then just the two of you going to this play might have set off his relationship alarms. Still sounds a little nutty.

17

[quote=“black_rabbit, post:4, topic:695742”]

Aaanyway:

[ol]
[li]He’s in to you[/li][li]He feels guilty about it[/li][/QUOTE]

[/ol]

Agreed. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a merry-go-round of emotions going through his head, possibly with the horses yelling at each other and trying to nip at each other’s tails.
The OP is in his head & on his mind (if she wants him).

As for the rest? Her call. :smiley:

“…and as we go into the top of the 8th inning… its Summer Romance: 1, Sanity 0…”

18

He invited me to go solo with him to watch the play and then we hung out with his co-workers after. My invitation was the same- we were going to see the play then hang out with my friends (who are guys for what it’s worth) after the play. I explained that to him and said that in my mind it was an identical situation so I had no idea it was a problem.

Not that I wish ill upon him, but I hope you’re at least right that he’s having some sort of emotions about this Count Blucher**** since he hurt my feelings, so I’d be bummed if he were just like “meh.”

19

You know, if a male friend of mine were “hurt and upset” about me cancelling our first one-on-one plans, enough that he felt the need to tell me about his hurt and upset in so much detail he felt obliged to apologize for it afterward, I’d probably wonder if maybe he saw the relationship differently than I did. Not because I think I’m such hot stuff that every man is secretly pining for me–my default assumption is that no man, with the possible exception of my husband, is pining for me–but because that seems like kind of a lot of investment for a casual, platonic relationship. It would make me profoundly uncomfortable making any further one-on-one plans with that person.

At the same time I’d be profoundly uncomfortable saying outright “We can’t hang out alone because you seem a little too invested in this” because a)that sounds so incredibly egotistical and b) it seems like kind of a harsh way of saying “nope, no way, nohow, never gonna happen.” So I’d probably blame it on a blanket discomfort with one-on-one plans with other guys. And if he responded to that with anything but “Oh, well I certainly don’t want you to do anything that would cause issues in your relationship”…well, we wouldn’t be hanging out in a group anymore either.

20

My wife has kept in touch with several men who used to be her coworkers, supervisors, or employees over the last decade or so with no objections from me. It makes sense to keep in contact with people in a similar line of work. If she elected to take one of them out to dinner or started going to the movies with one of them I don’t think I’d be too pleased about it though.