My friend did not call me. Again.

There’s this friend of mine I’m always trying to track down. I can never make plans with him, yet asking if he wants to hang out doesn’t ever make him say no or react in annoyance, he truly seems to WANT to hang out with me, but just is endlessly busy or unable to plan more than 5 minutes ahead. I only see him at work, which makes talking to him difficult, since he is busy working. I always manage to go say goodbye to him before I leave (which leads to all manner of idiotic gossip but I went over that in another thread).

While he tells me he is busy and so on, I get the impression that he manages to make plans with his other friends, and also our other coworkers, including some girls. But this could totally be untrue and is seriously just speculation.

He never makes an effort to invite me anywhere or even call me. So the other day I decided that’s it, I’m going to stop pursuing whatever it is I’m pursuing with him and not deal with him anymore.

So of course he called me, out of the blue. In fact he had tried calling me the night before (the day I decided to stop talking to him…only I hadn’t yet started not talking to him so this is not why he called) and couldn’t reach me. So he thought about calling me those two days in a row. It’s not clear why he called, it seems like he thought we had plans and he was cancelling them? Or maybe he called just to say hi.

The end result, of course, was that instead of not thinking about him anymore, I thought “Cool, he obviously DOES want to talk to me” and went back to wanting to make plans with him. He told me when he got off the phone that he’d call me tonight. Of course, he didn’t. Of course I am not calling him. However, tomorrow I feel like I SHOUL call him, because he and I both share a day off soon and I want to try and catch him ahead of time to, yet again, try and make plans with him. Or call him to just say hi.

Or should I not? Seriously, what do you think? Is this a person who is being intentionally cruel, avoiding me and playing head games, or is he just busy and forgetful? Keep being his friend, or blow him off?

Definitely don’t give up yet. You don’t seem to know him enough to know if he’s cruel, forgetful or busy. When you call make definite plans for your day off together and just see how that goes.

Sometimes people are just insanely busy. Before I met my husband he had asked my sister out many times and she always said she was too busy. He decided she was blowing him off but she was really just too busy. She would have gone out with him. ( I didn’t know all this until after we got married)

That’s good to hear. In all honesty this guy doesn’t seem particularly cruel or deceitful, so I am trying to remain optimistic. It’s kind of lucky for him that he at least called the other day, if not I could truthfully say he’s making zero attempt to have anything to do with me.

[Jealousy] On the other hand, why did he tell me he’s not interested in anyone but I see him flirting with other girls?! [/Jealousy]

First: take everything I say with a big old salt lick. I suck at this. But…

The good news is that 99% of guys aren’t like the guys from In the Company of Men. It doesn’t sound like he’s being intentionally cruel or playing head games, and I bet he’s sincere when he’s talking to you.

The bad news, unfortunately, is that that means he’s not thinking about calling you as much as you’re thinking about him calling you. I hate to say it, but if he were interested enough to warrant all the should-I-call-or-shouldn’t-I?, he would be talking to you more often, no matter how busy and forgetful he is.

That’s not to say that he’s totally not interested and it’s impossible for anything to happen; just that he’s not interested yet. Which means you can’t get too attached too quickly. As to whether you should call to make plans for your day off: just decide what you’re trying to get out of it, and let that make your decision. You obviously want to talk to him, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you want more, then you’re going to have to push a little bit. It sounds like it’s going nowhere as it is now; he’s most likely completely oblivious.

The “is he being cruel” questions are just your self-doubt talking, right now. But set a limit now for how much effort you’re going to put into it with no return on his part. Once you get to that point, just stop, and turn it off.

Sounds like he is more of an acquaintance and has more in common with other people than he does you and that spending time with you is lower on his priority list…I know people exactly like that so I’d say still be nice but do not expect to much.

I would have to echo what SolGrundy said. From what i’ve read, it sounds like you’re going for a friendship or maybe something more, and what he had to say would work well with either scenario.

From what little info I’ve read, I wouldn’t say he’s being cruel or playing head games, but like Solgrundy said, I would take that to mean that he’s maybe not as interested in you as you are in him.

Another thought occured to me is maybe he is getting mixed signals (either from you or from your work gossips), and doesn’t know how to handle or interpet that?

Anyways, that’s my probably my incorrect assesment of it all :smiley:

acrossthesea, I think you were wise to decide not to pursue anything with this guy, and I think it’s best for you to stick with that resolve. If he was interested, he would call or make an effort to spend time with you. The fact is, he hasn’t done those things, shows no real signs of doing those things, and torturing yourself over all these “what-ifs” with him isn’t doing you any good.

  • You just moved here from Japan.

  • You left Japan to get our of a nasty, abusive relationship with your now-ex-husband.

  • You are currently living with your ex-husband’s parents until you can get back on your feet financially.

Truly, acrossthesea, you need to take a break. You’ve made some tremendously difficult (but right!) choices, and you’re dealing with the consequences of them. As delightful a diversion as a new quasi-romantic friendship might seem, it’s too soon. Take some time. Get established on your own terms. If you rush it, I worry that you’ll just fall in with another jerk who doesn’t deserve you.


  • You are currently living with your ex-husband’s parents until you can get back on your feet financially.
    Oh, I haven’t explained properly between then and now I guess. My inlaw’s were so twisted I moved into my own apartment back in March and my life has been much happier since then.

Actually, you don’t suck at this at all. Everything you said does seem to make sense and fit the situation really well. You’re right, I doubt it’s a cruel head game thing. If he was trying to make me chase him endlessly we wouldnt have the 2 hour phone conversation we just had. I’m sure he would have cut it short. I called him, but we clearly had stuff to talk about.

The him-making-plans-with-others was explained to me by one of these “others” today, who said these are guys-only sort of get-togethers where likely I’m not being invited because I wouldnt fit in or be happy there. These “other girls” I hear about are just friends, with boyfriends, and what I heard was yet another distorted misinterpreted tale (there seem to be countless amounts surrounding this guy).

Still, our conversation ended on an unexpected note before I could ask about our day off. Still, I do see him tomorrow at work and I’ll manage to ask, though I already can bet anything the answer will be “No, because…”

The problem with me is that yes I am obviously attracted to him in a more-than-friends way. Once that starts in my brain its a bit hard to turn it off. Especially when this individual is the exact combination of hobbies, traits, looks, and personality that is like a drug to me: bad, very bad, but addictive as hell.

But don’t worry, Beadalin or anyone else: he’s quite anti-relationship and wouldn’t let me date him even if I WAS on his mind. There’s nothing bad about him in the dangerous sense, he’s just got the sort of personality that, if coupled with mine, would create many issues. What I need to do is learn how to reconcile in my head exactly what sort of friends we’re going to be. (Though it feels like it’s always going to be kind of weird.) And remind myself that while I have a lot of chaos and confusion keeping me from remembering to do certain things, he has even more.

I’m a bit more optimistic because we talked for so long, which is proof that he’s not trying to blow me off or avoid me, but the “are we ever going to hang out again and if the answer is no tell me so I can stop asking” thing is looming in my head though I don’t want to actually have to say it.

So, tomorrow I will again try my hand at this tired game. In front of the stares and whispers of my idiot coworkers.

This is what I would do in the situation. Take it however you will.

If he couldn’t really be bothered to initiate contact with me, then I wouldn’t bother calling him. If I’m not worth it to talk to, even as a friend, then he’s not going to be worth it to me.

I’ve also noticed that once a relationship has developed a pattern, nothing’s really going to change it. If you’re the one that always calls, that’s the way it’s going to be. Try not calling him for a week and see how he reacts.

I’d also think a little longer about asking him to do anything on your day off. He was talking to you for two hours and didn’t mention anything himself. He does however mention why he doesn’t invite you.

I don’t think he’s being intentionally cruel, but it doesn’t exactly seem like he’s wanting any more of a relationship than what you have now.

What may seem like flirting could just be an extrovert being friendly to others. Extroverts are very outgoing. What may seem like me flirting with the guys I work with, is nothing more than being “one of the guys”. It means nothing to me, other than building a rapport with another human being. I might mention the guys I work with also know I am quite smittened with Cardsfan, so there is no hope of “hanky panky” on my part.

I don’t know the background of you or the man in question, but what does he do for a living?

He works at the same large retail store I work at. And he’s not very extroverted. But sometimes he is. It sort of depends on his mood and the person he’s talking to, I guess. That’s unlike me, I’m basically always shy with everyone unless I know them. The way it’s been explained to me is that he flirts with these girls, but isn’t pursuing them, isn’t pursuing anyone.

I did manage to get some time alone with him today during a break at work. As usual he was pretty happy to talk to me and joke around have fun with me. And he himself brought up the idea of us hanging out on our day off…but to tell me he won’t know if he’ll be able to until that exact moment. So yeah I’m not going to call him or go after him for awhile (well, unless he does in fact show up) and see how that works, last time I decided to do that he called me.

And in talking to him today I decided that no, he is definitely not playing games with my head. I think it’s just a combination of me not being as important to him as I’d like to be, and him being a bit clueless as to how I feel. (Even though I’ve told him.)