OK I know that this will sound petty to some people, but I am upset and would like some advice. I have had a friend for SEVERAL years. We used to spend A LOT of time together and we were best friends. I moved to college and we still maintained our friendship. Over the last few months or so he has not been calling and has not been to concerned with hangin out, I mean we don’t see eachother for several weeks at a time, and we used to be together all the time, and even when I was away at school we still sepnt weekends together. We are extremely close and love eachother in a friend way and have said so to eachother. Now another bit of information is that is leaving in a couple months and going very far away, and I will not be able to see him, well atleast very rarely. I would think that he would want to spend more time together. I don’t know, maybe I am overreacting, but I am very hurt and do not know what to do . I miss him terribly as a friend and how close we were. I don’t want to talk to him about, rather I am afraid to talk about it because I do not want to mess up what little we have right now before he leaves.
Any advice on maybe what to say??? How to say it??? Any suggestions onto what maybe i have done that I have missed??? Any advice or suggestion would be so greatly appreciated.
Sounds to me as though, above all else, you’re suffering from “fear of the unknown”. And such a thing can be very debillitating you know. Being afraid of the unknown can influence you to turn down opportunities in life, and I dare say most people would agree that wasted opportunities are a crying shame.
Life is an adventure my friend. It’s a book full of chapters, and some chapters close and new ones begin. Never be afraid of turning the next page.
Friends grow apart, and you make new ones. Maintaining a friendship is hard work, from both sides.
I had very close friends in my 20s whom I lost touch with; no hard feelings, but we just went in different directions. Other old friends I still stay in close to–but by e-mail, letter or phone, rather than the same-city closeness we used to have.
Maybe the Guy doesnt want to work anymore at your friendshi because he knows that he will have to move far away, and so instead of maintaining the friendship now, where you are still great friends and it will hurt lots when he goes, maybe he thinks if you gradually fall away from each other then it will be better for you both.
I dont know to be honest, its just a suggestion*, guys can be strange like that, talk to him.
*A suggestion I hope that makes sence. Hard to word what Im thinking of…
Ok let me clarify some things, he does not have a cell phone and does not get messages at home too often although this is not the reason for this change because this has always been the case. I also understand that friendships fall apart, but this was very close, we were through alot together. Delly, I think that you may be right about it wanting to hurt less, but I do not agree with that, I want to spend what time we ahve left in good terms, and I dont really know how to make him see that. I do love him so much as a friend and I do ahve a fear of lossing him forever, I wish I could just make things better, or change how much I care.
I had a friend that I grew up with and was close with for 20+ years and this past year I’ve talked to him twice. It’s amazing that after 20 years you can all of the sudden discover that a person is an asshole.
I’m sorry to hear about how things are going, time will ease things a bit.
He might be preoccupied with a project or a honey. I lost a number of relationships in college because the person I was dating didn’t understand finals week meant I was an automatic no-show (I actually spelled it out).
I moved overseas for two years and I was admittedly shit at keeping in touch with my friends, even my closest friends who I loved dearly and missed terribly.
Friendships are complex things with lots of different things in them: you like spending time together, you like knowing that you can call any time and know they’ll be there, you care about them, and all kinds of other things. When I was away I really noticed the difference between “spending time with someone” and “really caring about them.” Specifically, the friends that I really cared about were (are) friends no matter what, and the ones that I just enjoyed hanging out with before I left, but didn’t go much deeper, didn’t last.
Also, I found it really hard to maintain some friendships over long distances. One friend in particular, he’s one of my favourite people in the world and I couldn’t begin to describe how much he means to me, I exchanged maybe two e-mails with the whole time. (The second one was him saying “I’ve just been dumped and we’re getting evicted from our apartment. I trust you are coming home soon.” Any wonder why I love him?) And we saw each other again and it was like I’d never been away.
My point? … hm. I guess what I’m saying is that if he’s really a friend, the amount of time that you spend with him isn’t important to the friendship. What you have will survive.
SOrry to hear this. I know that when I’ve moved to a far-off place, the last few months I’m in the old place I sort of feel between worlds – I’m not in the new place yet, but my mind is there a lot of the time, and my body is in the old place, but too often my mind isn’t. It’s a crappy way to be. Perhaps that’s how your friend is.
My advice? Try and try and try to get ahold of him until you get him on the phone (or send him email), tell him that you’d like to get together with him and hang out. Do so, and talk with him honestly and forthrightly about this, BUT DO NOT ACUSE HIM OF ANYTHING. Spend time asking him questions and listening to the answers; chances are, he’s got a lot on his mind now and could use the opportunity to unload on a good friend.
If he’s up for it, maybe you can try to schedule a weekly coffee-date with him or something – tell him what you told us, that you don’t want to lose touch, and that getting together once a week would be worth a lot to you.
Thank you guys for your advice, it helps knowing that there are people out there that are trying to understand, keep the advice coming, it really helps hearing some of you suggestions, thanks so much
Lillyflower
I would write a letter that lets him know how much his friendship has meant to you through the years and how it will be treasured no matter what time brings. Let him know that you would like to spend more time with him, but mention that you recognize that he may be moving in his life to places where you will not follow.
That may put him more at ease.
Then you really must release your expectations of him. That is part of growth.
For all of your life, remember that it is placing expectations on other people that leads to anger and hurt.
qts, he does not have a girlfriend, and I know this for sure, if he did that would easily explain the situation, and honestly i would understand if that was case, but its not.
