She got an incredible job promotion which regrettably involves a transfer out of state. She made the decision to accept it about a month ago. Neither of us has any interest in a long-distance relationship. We are making the most of our time for the time we have. Her first day at the new job is Valentine’s Day (how ironic). We will have been dating for 4 months. We’re doing fine now, but when the move really happens, it’s gonna get bad. And I think more so for her for a few reasons: (1) she got more invested than she expected, especially in so short of a time; (2) she is moving away from her friends and support system; and (3) she will be in a new environment and a new job in a new city, etc. etc. So my question is:
How should we end it?
Should I keep calling and offering support over the phone, visiting when possible? Would that make the relationship drag on in a miserable, slow-death kind of way? Or should we make a clean break? More painful in the short-term, but helping her/us get past it sooner?
Obviously, we’re going to be discussing this ourselves and that will play greatly into the decision, but I also value the opinions of you all who are not so close to the trees and can be somewhat objective about it.
If you call/visit after she moves, one of two things will happen:
The breakup will be much more painful than if you stopped all contact right when she moved.
You will find yourselves in a long distance relationship.
If either one of you truly doesn’t want a long distance relationship, break it off cleanly when she moves (or before if things are too weird knowing you’ll be breaking up soon). It hurts, but it won’t get any easier.
If the above statements are really true, the problem you’ll have may not be ending it but keeping it ended. This sort of thing can really throw a person for a loop. When you snatch away someone’s entire support system and put them in a strange place, they will start acting in ways that you previously would have considered out-of-character. Especially if the new job is stressful. If she doesn’t find someone special in the new location pretty quickly, your relationship will probably not end but will rather head into uncharted waters.
I don’t think you’ll really know how to proceed until she has been gone for about 6 weeks. Just try not to force anything, don’t do anything that feels unnatural to you, and keep trying to be as decent a person as possible. Keep in mind how she feels and the changes she’s going through.
I think that you’ve answered your own question. You want to end it. You didn’t ask if you should end it. So a clean break is best. Tell her that she can call you if she needs someone to talk to, but don’t initiate any calls. Also, don’t underestimate her ability to adapt to her new surroundings. OTOH, if you’re not sure if you want to end it, that’s a different problem.
I’m in the same situation (dating 4 months), but I’m the one shifting, to the UK from NZ in April for up to 2 years. We’ve had this conversation already, which left us both in tears, but my view was that it made no sense to keep ‘seeing each other’ once I had left, and he’s agreed.
It’s very likely one of us will find someone else in the next 2 years, and that would lead to a lot of pain on both sides having to break it off. And I think we also would not give each other the opportunity to look around and see if there is someone more suitable, which as we are both around 30, is something that becomes increasingly important.
We’ve agreed to keep in touch - look, if we are meant to be together long term, I guess that will happen, but clinging onto something and trying to leave a gap in your life for the other person is likely to lead to misery. However, not to rain on long term relationships, had we been together longer, it may be different - but that doesn’t sound like your sit either. Just enjoy each other while it lasts.
The breakup will be much more painful than if you stopped all contact right when she moved.
You will find yourselves in a long distance relationship.
[/QUOTE]
I totally agree with point number 2, and think new city, all alone, scared, she may make that jump much more easily than she realizes now. You don’t sound like a pillar of staone about this either.
As to no.1, conceeding 75% of the time this will be true, I am not as positive that it absolutely has tol be painful and uglier than a clean break – it just depends on your level of visits and calls: If you are talking about a call every couple of weeks and a visit every couple of months – I can see you evolving into a Jerry-Elaine situation. More than that, and well you are in a long distance relationship neither of you apparently wants.
As with all emotional events it probably makes sense to see how the separation feels, give it time and think it through from there – rather than deciding definitely “this is how we will feel and what we will do” beforehand
I agree that it’s possible things could cool smoothly and cleanly to a healthy friendship. However, considering how rare it is even when both people are in the same place, trying to do so at the start of a long distance separation seems like a recipe for pain. It really depends on the people.
Hey everyone here is telling you to just forget it all and stop right there, but I’ll offer the other side of the relationship. A friend of mine had a really close relationship with a gf. Very, very close, but he had to move. I knew them both very well, and they were really good together. Now they decided to do the “no talking” thing. But even to this day, he still thinks of her. He has been with a fair number of girls since, but he can’t get her out of his mind. There are basic problems why they can’t live together, but they still wish they could.
I am not going to pretend to know how far advanced your relationship was. Four months can be a lot of intimacy or it can be very little. It depends. It can mean a lot of different things. You obviously care for her, but it seems to me like she doesnt’ mean something to you like this girl meant to my friend though. It sounds like you love her, but don’t feel the need to ever get back together with her again. That was the problem of my friend. It wasn’t a long-distance thing, but they always still wanted to keep in touch in case they ever decided to get back together. Now SHE was really wild. She was certainly not needy, so that’s a different story, but I just thought I’d give that part of the story. Sometimes when someone is really special to you it can end up being a much bigger deal than you think. I don’t know which way is better in your case, but that is what can happen.
You know guys this kind of thing happens in everyones life.
You just don’t realize it because this time its happening to you. Sometimes it hurts making it much more personal.
I’ve been married now for 28 years. I still sometimes think about some old girlfriends. Some of them broke my heart. Some of them ought to hate me because I was a real asshole to them. One of them that broke my heart lives just around the corner. We’re friendly and speak when we see each other but thats it.
My comment above was meant to say just keep on keeping on.
Get on with your life.
good luck
just
Ever hear of the the film, “Same Time, Next Year”?
Make a date for next February 14th, in either location. Don’t call or write until then.
It’s not goodbye, it is just “til later”.
By that time, both of you will have dated others and will see if you are missing each other.
It is a cool thing to do, and your friends and her friends will be dying of curiosity to hear how the one-year-later date went…especially considering it will be on or about Valentines Day.
I appreciate your advice. Though in my world, that strikes me as something that makes a for a great movie, but not so much in real- (or at least my-) life.
Ouch. My apologies. I’m in nearly the same situation; the GF of 16 months (who has lived here for 3 yrs, but isn’t from here) is leaving soon for a tenure track position that she wouldn’t be in line for here. Our relationship is super otherwise, but I have too many roots here & such to ever move. We both got more attached than expected, and don’t know what to do. We’ve been spending less time together, sex has stopped, we’re beginning the termination conversstion phase delicately, trying not to hurt each others’ feelings.
It sucks, doesn’t it?
I’m reading the suggestions as well… help us out, people!
Crandolph and OP, I’m in a very similar situation right now and me and my GF have been together for almost a year now. Both of us are clearly into each other, but we also know that long-distance might not fare well…so it’s starting to look like we will have to separate…plus, even if I decided to put in the effort, I don’t think she would, and that’s a recipe for disaster for myself then.
It’s been 8 years since the last post here…any updates you can provide on what you ended up doing, and how it turned out?
**Crandolph **last logged in 7 years ago. I don’t think he’s going to respond. You’re probably better off starting a new thread based on your situation.