Need advice on strange behavior

Good morning. I am new to the boards here. I am wondering if someone can help me figure out what is going on with a certain guy in my life. I am usually good at figuring these things out, but this one really stumps me.

I met a guy online (OKCupid) last November. I am 33, he is 34. He wrote to me first, and within a week, we met for dinner. It went well; we sat and talked a good 5 hrs. We both agreed that it’d be nice to see each other again. I remember he’d sent a text saying he’d enjoyed himself, etc. We continued texting back and forth off and on throughout the next week or two, with an occasional phonecall. No more talk of another date, except in vague terms (“we’ll definitely go out again when things settle down”). Eventually, his texts and calls tapered off to nothing; obviously there was no 2nd date.

So I moved on and forgot about him. I got the hint; he wasn’t that into me. Fast forward to the end of June, some six months later, and he e-mails me out of nowhere. He asked if I remembered him, and apologized for “what seemed like” his sudden disappearance. He said family had been in town for the holidays and it had been crazy, and his phone had gone through a software update so he’d lost a bunch of info. He said he’d also noticed that I’d left the dating site. While going through old e-mails, he happened to come across some of mine and decided to reach out.

I didn’t totally buy it; I figured he’d met someone else and now that it had fizzled out, he wanted me again. But I played along; not sure if it was the correct or smartest thing to do, but I did it. I thanked him for reaching out and accepted his apology, and told him I’d be up for being friends. He said he was glad I was up for being friends, and said that we should meet up sometime. Actually, he mentioned it twice. I gave him my number and told him to let me know when he was available and that my schedule was flexible.

Here is where I am getting confused. He now sends me texts, but they are usually far in between and small talk only. Things like, “how are you doing?” “how’s your week been?” etc. But it never really goes beyond that. I am not really sure what he is thinking or where he is going with this. He is the one who reached out to me and suggested more than once that we meet up.

If he wasn’t interested at all, I figured he would have quit texting by now. If he were interested, I assumed he would have taken my answer of “you let me know when you want to meet up” and set something up. If he were just interested in me sexually, he would have definitely wanted to see me or at least would be flirting a little more (sidenote: nothing sexual happened on our first date).

I just don’t understand what is going on, and I actually feel a little silly even posting about this. But my anxious brain is trying to figure it out. Is anyone able to give me the “straight dope?” :slight_smile: Thanks in advance. I just want to know if I’m missing something here.

It doesn’t really matter why he’s doing what he’s doing…it’s not going anywhere. He may or may not be playing a game, or he may or may not have the balls to take it further, or 1,000 other possibilities.

Quit replying to his texts and e-mails. Even better, tell him you’re not interested and ask him to leave you alone, and then don’t reply to his pathetic attempts to apologize or ask what he did wrong.

**Sicks Ate **<— Guy

Kinda sounds like he might want to be friends and is having a hard time saying/understanding it.

Maybe he’s waiting for you to wash the honey out of your hair.

This is what I am leaning toward. Thanks.

Why didn’t I think of that?

The guy sounds like an oaf in search of a pen pal. Stop wondering and responding.

That’s not what I’m getting. The OP knocked him down to “friend zone” status. With no hope of sexy fun time, the impetus for him to call, is minimal.

I think Blondie needs to work some of her feminine wiles, if she wants a different response. But keep in mind, it’s also very likely he’ll disappear again once something better (in his view) comes along.

I hate the phrase ‘reach out’.
What ever happened to ‘got in touch’ or ‘contacted’.
‘Reach out’ sounds desperate.

Now to answer your question.
I’ve known a few* boys* to do this.
Sometimes they intend to go out but don’t have the balls to follow through.
Sometimes it’s a game to feed their ego, to see how long they can string a woman along and a boost to their ego to have so many women wanting them.
Sometimes it’s just a diversion, something to do when they get bored and it’s safer to have a phone or internet relationship than to have the real thing.

In any case, as someone else said, the reason doesn’t really matter. He’s a little boy who needs to grow up and unless you want to be his momma he’s not worth your time.

Real men don’t play games and anything less than a real man isn’t worth your time.

I didn’t think asking to be friends would have made him act like this. Thanks.

Makes sense to me. Thanks. :slight_smile:

Whoa, easy, I’m on your side. I don’t think you are playing games. I’m just trying to give you a guy’s perspective. When a guy hears “I’m interested in being friends” he silently thinks to himself "Aw shit!

If you want this guy to prove himself to you and earn your trust back, I just don’t think that’s going to happen. However, if you want a short and steamy fling, your going to have to start sending out those signals.

But if you’re not that type of girl, I’d suggest you stay away from this guy.
LOL in before the edit.

When I initially responded, I had misread what you wrote. I ended up editing my response (too late, I guess). Sorry about that.

What you’re saying makes sense, though. Thanks.

It’s all good. Welcome to the boards by the way. :slight_smile:

Thanks! :slight_smile:

Two things:
In my humble opinion, dating sites aren’t for making friends, if someone mentions anything about being friends first or wanting to be friends, I’ll just move on to the next person, I’m not playing that game, but it sounds like he’s okay with it.

Next, I think he’s just not ready to make the jump from a dating site to meeting in real life. If you really want to meet him then I’d send him a message that says “I’d really like to get together with you sometime in the next few days, I’m available this Saturday, otherwise next Tuesday or Thursday work. If those days don’t work for you, let me know what days do” and leave it at that. If he replies with anything other then plans to meet, either just don’t reply or reiterate that either it’s time to meet or go your separate ways, maybe “Hey, you ignored the big question…how about meeting in real life, you won’t hurt my feelings if you aren’t ready, but if that’s the case, I need to move on, I’m looking for more then just a pen pal here.” Then, no more emails, period, unless it’s to set up a date.

Also, just to reiterate, because I feel strongly about it, I’m not on these sites to find a ‘friend’, I’d suggest you leave anything about that out of it. We discussed that in the big dating thread, but, for me, that’s a turn off when I see that in a profile. If you’re not here to find a potential mate (of some kind) then maybe you’re not ready to be on these sites. Of course, that’s just my opinion and I’m sure there’s plenty of guys out there that want to do the ‘friends first’, dip there toes in the water thing too.

One of the more annoying bits of corporate-speak as of late. I hate it as well.

It used to be a phrase that was very occasionally used when you were going for a certain vibe. Now it just means “contact via any means of communication.” Nobody sends an email or calls someone anymore, they “reach out.”

“I’ll reach out to him.” “Thanks for reaching out.” “Did you reach out to them yet?” It’s absurd. I don’t know how people can use it without noticing how weird it sounds.

People just hear other people use these phrases in corporate culture and copy them, for reasons I don’t understand.

Am I the only one who gets a vibe like this guy might be married?

I can see how it would look that way, but we actually share a common acquaintance. I know a girl from high school who actually works at a theatre that he sometimes performs at (he is an actor in several local acting troupes). I inquired with her when I first started talking to him before we went on our date, and she indicated that he was a great guy.

To make double sure, I Googled him and found his grandfather’s obituary, and he was not listed in it with a spouse. So I am fairly certain he really is single.

As a guy who is single and also on okcupid, here is my take.
He is still very active on the site. He met and contacted you. There was no red flags on your date, but also you didn’t sweep him off his feet. So he is kind of keeping you around in case he can’t find anyone better, but at the same time viewing profiles and contacting other women. But he hasn’t found “the one” in 6 months of trying and that is why he came back, just to make sure he has a plan B in place. Meanwhile, he is still searching.
I don’t know you, but you deserve better. Release him to the wild and move on.