Met a guy whom I thought was fantastic, let him make all the moves, went out for 2 months - at least 4 times a week, texting and phone calls most days. I went on a week’s holiday and after about 2 days of my absence, he stopped texting.
When I got back, I contacted him, he said we needed to talk - he then emailed me this:
“Hello,
I got your text this morning. Sorry I have taken so long to get back to
you. But I’m crap at this and the fact, that I think you are a pretty
cool chick does not help. While you were away it has dawned on me that
I’m not ready to see anyone at the moment. I still have feelings that I need to work through. I have really enjoyed the times we have had together and think
you are pretty cool. But I’m not being honest with myself or you and you
don’t deserve that. If we had meet at a different time of my life maybe
things would have been different.
I hate having to do this but I know I have to.
Good luck and I hope you find the guy you are looking for. He will be a
lucky man.”
He was just out of a 10 year relationship - I think he may have been unconsciously testing the waters by finding me and going out with me.
It has been 2 weeks - the only contact I’ve had is that I got heaps of cycling mags for him from my sister’s shop, so I sent them to his house as I didn’t want to chuck them out.
As many of you will know, finding someone you click with on so many levels is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Would I gain/lose anything by emailing him with a ‘hi, how you doing - go kiss some frogs then let’s get together months from now’ type of email?
Wow. Just out of a 10-year relationship, I’d say he was probably being pretty straight-up with you. What is it they say? One month emotional recovery for every year in a relationship? I don’t know if I believe in that, but many people do.
There’s a possibility that while you were away, he had the time to be by himself and think about where he is in life; there’s also a possibility that he’s found someone else (not saying that’s the case) or just wants to explore his unencumbered freedom.
But as to your question, you wouldn’t have anything to lose by telling him to go kiss frogs (take that however you like ;)), and ‘months from now,’ who knows? If you’re both still available…anything could happen.
If I were in his situation, looking at it from a guy’s point of view, I’d probably be relieved that things are ending on good terms.
Chick here, but I’d keep it short and sweet. “I really enjoyed spending time with you as well. You’re a great guy, and I understand what you’re saying, and I wish you the best. If you’d ever like to give me a call, I’d be pleased to hear from you. Take care!”
I don’t think you have anything to lose by replying saying “hey thanks for your honesty, I really liked you. If you change your mind, give me a call.”
Having said that, I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting either - if it works out that later down the road he DOES contact you, and you’re still available, cool. But I wouldn’t stop looking elsewhere in the meantime.
Eh, I think there’s no harm in ending it pleasantly, as opposed to just never responding to his email. If he never responds, her pride isn’t any more hurt than it is right now, and she gets the pleasure of having been the bigger person. (Never underestimate the pleasure of having been the bigger person! )
Of course, neither **lobstermobster ** nor I are of the gender the OP explicitly requested advice from, so I guess we should let the boys vote.
I’m a dude (although not old enough to have been in a 10-year relationship), and that sounds like about exactly what I’d like to hear from someone if my reasons for the break were as stated. And even if I were full of shit and breaking up with you for some other unstated reason, that would let me know that you won’t be stalking me or cursing my name to vengeful gods or anything else untoward.
I am a guy (though I haven’t had to date in decades) and I agree with you. He was nice enough and had the guts enough to write, when he could have disappeared, and she should do the same. For all we know he’s pining for his ex, or found someone else, or is joining the priesthood. Both sides being mature is cool. I agree she shouldn’t expect him to call her back, though.
That’s pretty harsh, but even if you’re right, there’s nothing to lose by sending the e-mail.
It sounds to me like an e-mail saying “Look me up when you’re ready and we’ll see” is exactly what the situation merits. It puts the ball in his court and allows him as much time as he needs to make his next move, even if it is a few months.
Those two quotes make me think he probably did a fairly smart and mature thing by breaking it off.
Four times a week is a lot in a new relationship, and if he was 10 year it was probably live-in and had a majority portion of his life.
If one of my friends told me he had done that my first thought would be “Dude, take it slow. You are just trying to fill your life again with something convienient and nice”. I would totally advise him to not get dependant and avoiding feeling like he need to have someone around all the time.
It would mostly likely get wierd and you would end up feeling like the rebound fill-in.
I second both parts of this. Send him a light-hearted reply making clear the door is open, but don’t hold your breath. People drive themselves crazy hoping or wondering about the actions of others, which is something they have NO control over. His actions were pretty unambiguous. Move on, even though it hurts.
I think he was chickenshit to do this by e-mail. You went out for two months, not two dates. He could’ve at least called you.
So you went away for a week without him and he thought things were getting too serious/going too fast? And told you in a text? Sounds douchey. But I suppose it was the right thing to do. 10 years. Cripes. As others have mentioned, send him an un-needy, lighthearted e-mail. Don’t overthink it or make it more than three sentences.
Oh, and if it makes you feel better, check out the regular Jezebel feature Crap E-mail From a Dude. Your guy’s a prince in comparison.
I think you should go with Cervaise’s suggestion. Also, if he comes back to you, you should slip him the (literal) sausage. I hear kiwi’s dig that sort of thing. Something to do with hanging upside down all the time like bats.
You do know that kiwis can’t fly, so how they’d get up in the tree to hang upside down is anyone’s guess!
Update:
(I sent the lighthearted email and this is the reply that came within hours)
“Hello.
I’m okay and Katie too (the dog) she has just come off heat, so that was a pain in
the arse for a couple of weeks.
I enjoyed your company as well and think you are a pretty cool chick.
But I’m not ready for any thing just yet, I thought I was. But no. I’m
really sorry for you dicking round and hurting your feelings.
I have also had some sad news last week. My dear friend V who had
breast cancer has got it back and has to go through it all again. I hope
she will be Okay.
I have been meaning to drop by and bring you your cd’s etc. I will do it
very soon.
Take care.”
I replied with:
“Sorry to hear about V - so hard to go through when you can’t really do anything to make it go away. My mum has just found a lump in her breast, I’m just hoping it is nothing.
I know you are not ready, I didn’t think you were but chose to ignore that and not put on any brakes - sorry.
I don’t really feel dicked around, but I reckon people that you really click with are few and far between once you get to a certain age, so I’m suggesting that maybe months and months from now, you come and find me - see where I’m at.
Did you get the bike mags?”
See, I’m 45, and I find it absolutely astounding that people choose to break up with one another BY EMAIL! Holy shit! Anyone who would break the news to me by email would not be worthy of a second chance.
)