Hasn't he given me enough grief?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Why me? I’ll try to keep this short but I’m not known for my brevity.

I fell head over heels in love with this “wonderful” guy whom I met through working at Best Buy in '94. I’m talking the big L, LOVE, the end-all, BE-all relationship… I was in love. I was with him for about a year and he cheated on me the entire time (technically, I was the other woman because he already had a girlfriend of 4 years). I found out about this around the 6th month mark and we split for a few weeks, then he called me up and begged me to take him back. I did. Because I was in love.

Anyway, after I discovered he was still cheating (this time his girlfriend was the other woman, she called his house and I picked up thinking it was him), he dumped me claiming it was “in his genes to cheat” due to his father having been a cheater. I didn’t want to end it even though he had hurt me so much, I begged him to just give me a chance. My thinking was I’d MAKE him love me enough to be with me without the need for other girls. O… K… back to reality. He dumped me and I went back to Phoenix.

Again, he called me up a few weeks before I was done moving and we had lunch. It was like having my soul cleaved in twain (hacked in two, for you non-poet types) and I just left, completely devastated. A few weeks later, he called me again and we tried to be friends. By now, I was in Phoenix proper and he came to visit a few times, friendly as ever. If “friendly” REALLY means horny and manipulative. He’d come down to talk and he’d want me to go down on him or have sex out in the parking lot while I was at work. He told me he was going into the Marines and I thought, whew! I can finally have some peace and let my heart heal. Yes, it was MY fault for still sleeping with him but I was in so much pain and denial that I let him walk all over me under the banner of friendship. I wanted some sort of contact with him, ANY sort, and he knew it.

I haven’t spoken or seen him since '97 but he looked me up via the Internet and has since emailed me three times. The second to last time he emailed he told me he had gotten married. ??? Married??? WTfrigginF??? This player took the sacred vow of marriage??? Talk about stunned. Then guess what? I got mad. I was white-hot livid, boiling-red rage, completely INFLAMED with wrath! You guessed it, I still had feelings for him. Denial is a big, big river, baby. I emailed back full of piss and vinegar, shooting down any hope he might have had for some form of friendship between us. He emailed back a short, too short, apology. And so here does it end, I told myself between puffs of angry breath and a few stray tears. I wished him all the pain the universe could inflict on a person and then I stopped thinking of him at all.

Have I healed? I had thought so but when the conversation sometimes turns to the past, he is there. My SO thinks I still love him somewhat by the visciousness with which I paint the scene of my ex’s betrayal. Well, come on… it HURT. It felt as if only oblivion itself could have cured me of the pain. I would never go back to this guy (I will never call him a man) even if my SO thinks there might be a chance (I hope he is joking) if things were right. What IS right IS the love I have for my SO. My wonderful… no, my utterly AMAZING and incredible SO, and the love he has for me.

This isn’t the end of my woeful tale, oh dear no. Guess who emailed me again just a day ago? :rolleyes: Asking if the email address was for someone he knew. Fuck yeah, you know me, asswipe. Let’s see if he remembers.

2

What you need is to scrub your heart with the entire contents of a 55-gallon drum of industrial strength scum-remover.

Better yet, feed it to him. Through a tube stapled to his face. While he’s staked out on a fire ant hill. At noon. In July. In the path of a buffalo stampede.

Yeh. That should do it.

3

Almost a year ago, I finally split with my horrible boyfriend the drug dealer, the one everyone hated, friends, family, coworkers, everyone. Who treated me badly. Told my I was too fat and unattractive for him. Who, I’m all but positive, cheated on me with the neighbors friend. Who generally made me feel like crap, all the time. Since I left him, my life has improved 1000%. Anyway, after we broke up, he of course called a couple times, tried to get back together, and eventually gave up. Jump ahead a couple months to October. He starts calling me and text messaging me again. Aggggh!!!

Finally, he called me one afternoon. I had just returned from having a root canal, and I was really doped up. It was like being drunk, I was aware of what I was doing, but I had no sense to change it. I told him that I never wanted to talk to him again, that I never wanted to see him again, that I was better than anything he could ever strive to be, and to leave me alone, because he was scum of the earth and I wanted nothing to do with him. Finally, he said, well, maybe we’ll see each other again some time. I replied, when I get older I’m going to work for the FBI, so you better just pray that you never see me again. And hung up.

Mannnn, talk about closure. Admittedly, if I wasn’t entirely wasted on medicine for my mouth, I would not have said any of it, especially the last part, but I’m glad I did. Have not heard from him since.

4

Though I like the scum remover idea, too, here’s what I think you should do:

Change your e-mail address. If he has any other information about you, (phone number, screen name, etc) change that, too. Don’t, under any circumstances, answer his e-mails.

Don’t talk about him. The only thing that will convince your SO that you aren’t still in love with this jerk is time.

Good luck.

5

Good advice. Hell, don’t stop there - maybe you should deny his existance altogether.

Your ex was a legend. Nay, my words were ill-chosen. He does not merit the title of legend, bestowed upon such entities as the Loch-Ness Monster and Bigfoot. He is significantly lower stuff. An urban myth, passed between ninth-graders between classes in fervent whispers, discussed by adults only in the presence of alchohol, and ridiculed on Snopes. He didn’t exist, never will. There’s conclusive proof.

Good luck, Sanguine. :slight_smile:

6

Don’t reply to him.

Don’t open his e-mails.

The worst thing you can offer him is silence.

As for you, sweetie, still being angry at him (and yourself) allows him to take up space in your brain. Why let him get you down? That continues to give him power over you.

Chalk this up as a learning experience, and lather your affection and time on your SO. Don’t let this guy come between the two of you, by continuing to be a part of your thoughts. I would not mention him again to your SO. He’s not worth the time.

7

I don’t know you very well, just what I read on here, but I know enough to see that you deserve much better than you are getting.

Sigh. . . If only I were single. . . and lived anywhere near you. :smiley:

8

They’re old standards, but - you deserve better. You’re worth more than this. He’s messing with your head. It sounds to me like he gets some kind of sick pleasure out of bringing these old feelings up in you.

Screw him. I agree with changing your email address. Scourge your old details from the internet and don’t let him get in touch with you.

Good luck - just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better.

Ava

9

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I would NEVER get back with this creep. My SO has shown me what a healthy, equal relationship is and he doesn’t have a manipulative bone in his entire body. He’s a very chivalrous fellow, he anticipates my needs as if we share a soul. He’s great at knowing what to say and do (most of the time) and he can make me laugh. He enjoys seeing me smile, he thrives on it. And I love making him smile. I put my heart into this relationship because I can, I can trust this man. He has more character, soul, and love in his little finger than that creep has in his whole body!

I honestly do not love creep anymore but I do hate the things he did to me. I’m going to answer creep’s email using Intent’s example (without meds) and tell him off. I will not speak of the creep to my SO because I don’t want anything to come between us. Creep needs to leave me alone. Thank you all for the advice, I’m glad I can rant, rave, and vent here (didn’t mean for this to end up a rant, hence not in the pit). I can safely eject things out of my head here without causing strife IRL. Creep is definately pointless and mundane. Once I send off the end-all, be-all rant email with clear instructions for him to go to Hell, I will scrap him from my mind and remove what old info I can find via the Internet.

10

When I was in college I had a ‘friend’ that was just as manipulative and assholish as your ex.

He told everyone at school he was from Scotland when he was in reality from Little Rock, Arkansas.

He moved away and I realized how awful he’d been. I sent him an email (our main method of communication) telling him that I was cutting off all communication and that I hoped he could get his life together and stop lying all the time. Goodbye.

He called me a few minutes later not having seen the email. I told him to check it and I hung up.

He called back crying and puling about how he was so sorry. I didn’t feel any sympathy. It was the best closure I’d ever had.

11

I’ve heard that the opposite of love is indifference. Don’t waste your energy hating this guy; indifferent him. He doesn’t exist in your world anymore. Cut all ties, now and forever. Don’t even send the “get lost forever” email - any contact with him still encourages him, because he doesn’t think like a normal person.

12

But you’ve already done this:

If you communicate with him again, he will know he’s still got you. Don’t do it. Your saying you won’t mention him again in the same breath as vowing to send a “final” email is very troubling. You’re about to cut off someone who cares about you from an imminent crisis in your life. This is two very, very big mistakes.

13

Er, I meant “saying you won’t mention him again to your SO.”

And, pardon the subject/verb disagreement in the last sentence.

14

Just a suggestion, but go hug your SO and remind yourself why you now love him. And tell him everything.

15

The OP gives me the following visual:

  1. Person steps on garden hoe;
  2. Hoe hits her on the head. Hard;
  3. Person says, “OUCH!”
  4. Repeat (1).

Rampant stupidity. Don’t see “if he still remembers.” Just hit that “Delete” key.

16

Sanguine Spider - I am sorry to hear about this. I’ve been there, done that…it’s easy to be pulled back into an old, dysfunctional relationship. It’s never a good idea, but somehow it’s hard to avoid falling into the trap.

Just remember what YOU need. Find someone who will take away the pain. And, rid yourself of those who would cause you pain.

17

Yeah, I, too, say tell your current guy. It’s part of what makes you you. Your hang ups and clinginess will make more sense to him by knowing about this troubling (to you) situation.

And, just delete any future mails without reading them. Better for you. And, if you’re on AOL, he gets the notice that mails were deleted unread. :slight_smile:

18

So you are going to do something that you have to keep secret from your SO just so you can once again have the pleasure of telling him off? That’s a little like calling him to tell him you are never going to speak to him again.

Nothing speaks louder than a bounced or unanswered email. If you respond, you are saying to him that you still rent him space in your head.

Let your love in the present be stronger than your hatred of the past.

Oh, damn.

You’ve already emailed him, haven’t you?

Has it rid you of thoughts of him or are you thinking about what he is thinking about your email?

If you ever do this again, EddyTeddyFreddy and the Scum Removal Brigade, of which I am a charter member, will be coming to remove your keyboard. You will have to phone in your SDMB posts.

19

DO NOT REPLY TO HIS E-MAIL!

He’s stirring up trouble, and why give him the satisfaction of knowing he can still piss you off?

Shrug him off. Take the time you would spend to send him a nasty e-mail and go jump your boyfriend.

Zoe, can I bring the hammer to smash the keyboard?

20

It almost seems as though we (women) have to have a phase of “dangerous men.” They’re exciting. They withhold what we need (want.) They hurt us and hurt us and hurt us. We come back again and again. They never change, but we do, finally, learn.
Scrape him off. Never look back. He’s cheating on some other poor woman now.
You’ve learned and moved on in the world. Now move on in your heart.
Remember, we choose who can hurt us. We can also choose to be treated with the kindness and respect we deserve.
It sounds like you’ve found a good man, don’t lose him over a bad one.