Why, Yes, I Think I'd Like to Flake Out Now

The BBQ Pit
#1

And it started out to be such a nice day, too. This is a bit rambling, but well, there comes a time when you realize that your life is not merely warped, but completely bent instead.

Today, I find out that a friend, whom I had considered to be like a brother is possibly a child molester, and most definately someone who’ll beat the shit out of a woman because he can’t admit that he’s fucked something up. Of course, that’s not the worst of it. No, no, no.

I’m not feeling well (not because of my now ex-friend, but due to stomach problems), so instead of going to class like I normally do on Thursdays, I go home directly after work. When I get home, I check my e-mail, and find one from an ex-girlfriend. Admittedly, depending upon the ex, this could be a good thing, or a bad thing. In this case, it’s most definitely a bad thing.

Yeah, that’s right, the ex that I would have done anything to patch things up with, who looked me up two years after we split up, only so that she could get her boyfriend jealous enough to propose to her, has sent me an e-mail. Here’s what it says

Help me! I’ve no idea how she got my e-mail address, and despite the confusing way she writes e-mails, Sarah’s as equally as intelligent as I am, which is more than I can say for 99.99999% of the people I meet IRL. (No, really, that’s what they tell me, without me even asking.)

So why’s this tearing me apart? I’ll tell you why: Because I haven’t been able to heal the damage that Sarah did to me all those years ago until recently. I’ve made half-hearted attempts at dating since then, but they’ve not worked out, and I’m just now getting to the point where I can start thinking about what kinds of things I need to do before I get into a serious relationship.

To make matters worse, I’ve only had sex once since Sarah and I split, and the cow was a dead lay (trust me, I’ve plenty of evidence to verify that her lack of reaction had nothing to do with my performance), who was only using me to get the guy she was really interested in jealous. (Whoa! Anyone else seeing a pattern here?) Adding insult to injury, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel financially, and if I have any hope of accomplishing some of the things that I’d like to do in the next couple of years, I need help paying the bills (since it’s unlikely that my employer will be able to afford giving me a raise in the near future and it’s well-nigh impossible for one to find a job in my current field in this area at the moment).

I don’t know what to do. If I tell Sarah to get fucked (by someone other than me), I know it’ll be at least a year before I’m at a point in my life where I’m able to be in a relationship, and given that it’s too goddamn long since I’ve had any physical contact with a female, I can’t even think of “grudge fucking” her, as I’ll get too damned emotionally caught up in the whole affair to say, “Bye, Bitch” afterwards. And ladies, I’m not asking you to "take one for the team"as it were, because if I really just wanted to get laid, I’d go to a whorehouse (yes, they have them in Nashville, no, I’ve never been to one, but I do know how to find them). What I want, more than anything, is to be in an emotionally comitted relationship, where there’s at least the chance that it could turn into an LTR.

#2

If she’s married, no touchy-touchy.

E-mail her.
Tell her how much she’s hurt you with her games.

Ask her not to conrtact her again.

Then, call me, & we’ll go egg her house. :wink:

#3

Delete the e-mail. Do NOT reply to it. Do not touch this chick. She’s plutonium; she’ll give you cancer. Block that address from your browser. Screen your phone calls. Stay the fuck away from Sarah, because there is no way in Hell you are getting away from her without major, and possibly permanent, damage. Run the fuck away and don’t look back.

I’d also recommend looking up one of those whorehouses. Nuthin’ shameful in that, and it’ll help keep your perspective on the emotional stuff.

#4

Yeah, except she’s not married. Between the constant “lol”, smilies, and horrible ellipses abuse (so I’m picking on her typing style, sue me), I managed to catch something about her “needing” to be single right now.

Still, don’t fuck her.

Simply reply with what amounts to a form letter.

"To Sarah,

Thank you for your email. However, I must decline your offer and request you never contact me again.

Tuckerfan"

Between this thread and the other, she sounds like a headcase (and totally annoying). I would suggest blocking her email address once you’ve sent your response. You don’t need that shit, man.

Silver Fire, aka Sarah (no, not that one) :slight_smile:

#5

What a hosebeast. I hate women who play these god-damned games.

  1. Block her email address.

  2. Delete the email. Do not answer it! Don’t give her the satisfaction. She yanked your chain once and is probably going to do it again.

  3. Focus on getting the rest of your life where you need it to be for you.

  4. Your friend? Doesn’t sound like a real great guy if that stuff is true. Lose him.

  5. Sex? Darlin’, believe me when I tell you: it’s not worth getting yourself emotionally drug through the shit pile again just to get laid.

#6

Tuckerfan
Do not, I repeat this easily…Do Not let this woman within fifty feet of you. I’ve been through the relationship that you went through and seem to be going through. As the other posters have said, block emails from her(it’s very easy to do), block IM’s from her(also easily done), change your phone number…whatever you have to do!

This is the kind of thing that can fuck your mind for many, many years. I know a piece of ass is a desirable thing right now but as other posters have said, at this point if it were sex I were after, and this dysfunctional thing the other choice…I’d hit the whorehouse. (legal or not).

This woman has a pull on you, you have to get her out of your head.
My 2 cents,

-K

#7

Tuckerfan…

I have hunch you already knew the answers to your questions before you created this thread.

Look - here’s the best bit of advice I’ve ever heard in all my life when it comes to sharing your valueable time with someone who enjoys fucking with your head - namely, ask yourself this simple question… (and ask it often too) - “Is THIS where I need to be? Truly?”

If you ask yourself that question, life almost certainly turns out better than worse.

Also, remember this as well… in life, almost all of our problems are invariably of our own making. Don’t make the wrong decision. It’ll be your decision and no-one elses.

Also, there are only 3 rules in life; (1) There’s always a victim and (2) don’t be one.

And the third rule? It doesn’t matter compared to the first two…

#8

God, I remember that feeling, that spark, that flutter in the chest… You’ve got to cut it out, man. You have to.

Don’t reply, don’t even let her know she got the right email add’y. You said yourself you know you wouldn’t be able to keep from getting emotional about her again, and you also know that time and time again, she’s using you.

I don’t mean this as a put down, I don’t even know you other than recognizing your name as a long-time SDMB’er, but man, you’ve got to get some balls on this and just let her fade out. Knock off the neediness.

[story time]
I had an ex-fiancee. I came home to a ring and a note-type thing. We got, briefly, back together, but not really, months later. I say not really because she was on a break from her on-again, off-again BF. The guy she started seeing, as far as I knew, the day after we broke up (yeah, I’m sure they never met before that :rolleyes: ) I felt great, I had the girl I fell in love with back, if only in dribs and drabs, but she was holding back, and I knew it, but I didn’t care because I got to be with her some of the time. I was needy.

Finally, we broke up for good. The next, and last, time I saw her was months after that, about a year after we’d broken up, and she was engaged to the guy. I was at a rib cook-off with the girl I’d been sleeping with and I freaked out, left the place and never called the new GF again. What I did do was go to a bar, where I met some people that became my very, very good friends for next couple years, while I lived in Toledo and I moved on.
[/story]

That got a little ramble-y, but my point is that it took seeing her agian to piss me off, to make me angry enough to cut the hope to I’d known for so long was pointless. You know your hope is pointless, too. Don’t waste the time before cutting loose.

Don’t worry about the sex. I say that as a guy that had plenty, then hit one mighty dry spell. Totally worth it, though, as much as it seemed to suck at the time. Seriously, I’m not going to get all preachy on you, but the sex, it comes and goes and if you’ve had decent sex before, you will again, but you, YOU, have to be ready for it.

Don’t pine away for this girl, this woman that’s using you, pushing your buttons that she knows so well, twisting you around her finger. Sure as shit don’t let her know you think of her or want to talk to her.

I met my wife on a fluke, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but that was 5 years after I’d gotten dumped, and 4 years after I’d gotten my confidence, my sense of self, back.

Man, you gotta stand up for yourself, cut her loose.

#9

Dear Sarah,

I would rather slide down a giant razor blade into a vat of rubbing alcohol, dry off with a salt towel, and then set myself ablaze than take you up on your hair hyphen brained offer period

On second thought, I realize I’m no good at subtlety.

I’m not interested; please don’t contact me again.

The Tuckster.

#10

Hell, man, if I were sober at the moment, I’d find you a link to a photo of a married woman (and she’d have left her husband for me, if I’d have made a move on her) I passed up in favor of this bitch. That woman looked identical to a Hollywood actress memorialized in one of Eve’s threads, and when I posted a comment that I knew of a woman who looked like her, people posted responses which said, “I hate you.” (I’d hate to think what they’d have said if they’d found out that I could have nailed her.)

Yeah, but I need to say something more than, “From Hell’s black heart I spit at thee.” (She wouldn’t get the reference.)

Well, considering the fact that she managed to track down my e-mail address after 4 years and 3 ISP changes, I don’t think that being polite, or even ignoring her is going to put a stop to this. (And no, I cannot afford to move.)

It’s a thought, but it’d mean finding out where she lives now, and I don’t want to do that.

Miller, I know what you’re saying, but I can’t just bang something because it’s a readily available piece of ass, whether or not I’m paying for it. There has to be an intellectual connection, or I can’t even get it up.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I need to rid myself of memories of this cunt, but like Jim Carrey’s character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I cannot simply erase her. If I’m going to do away with her (in the sense of forgetting about her), she must be replaced by something meaningful, and I haven’t found what that is.

#11

Tuckerfan,

You're in a pit now...I realize it's a deep pit but it's just one of the many pits we have to live through in our lives.   Keep it a pit....not a lake.  The best you can do is turn away.  Familiar things always seem great and it's the same reason a lot of people stay in extremely abusive relationships.   There must be someone 'anyone' that can take your mind off of this bullshit....anyone?

-K

#12

Hi Tuckerfan

I completely agree with Miller (up until the last part anyway). You should not contact her. Do not email her, call her, or try to find out more about her. She’s playing games with you, hoping to get a response from you to make her feel better about herself, or to make someone else jealous, IMO. Sarah hurt you very badly, but looking for someone to replace her won’t help. Having a brief fling with Sarah, a one night stand with her, or even trying to repair the relationship won’t help either.

Get your life straight, one step at a time. Focus your energies on making yourself what you want to be, thinking about “what kinds of things I need to do before I get into a serious relationship” and “accomplishing some of the things that I’d like to do in the next couple of years”. Let that BE your motivativing force for now. Write down the goals that you want to achieve. Make a list of the things that you think you need to do before you get into a serious relationship. I think if you help yourself, you will find things progressing more smoothly than you seem to feel they are now. I also think that you may come out of this a stronger person, with a clear idea of what you want out of life and what you need in a partner.

Good luck :slight_smile:

~J

#13

Tuck, there is a piece of software out there called “Mailwasher”.

It’s free. It allows you to preview emails, and if you get one from someone you wish to have no contact with, It allows you to bounce the email back as if the address was no longer good.

It’s perfect for this sort of occasion.

I will try to remember where I got it if you are interested.

#14

Haven’t you always wanted to give someone a Cleveland Steamer? You know, deep down inside?
What? It’s the Pit! No, I’ve never done it, but I’ve never been dicked over like that…
This is your chance.

#15

Well…

If there’s a good massage school in your area, you might want to go… request a female therapist if the school allows it. You can often get a good massage dirt cheap.

No, I’m not talking the “happy ending” variety of massage, but it seems like a) you’re probably more than a bit touch deprived, which is not good and b) you’re having some issues about not trusting women.

I’m not saying that massage is a cure-all that will fix your problems, but getting some physical contact in a neutral, non-sexual, non-emotionally attached context from someone of the opposite sex might help with both the trust issues and the lack of being touched. Also, massage can help with anxiety and depression, which it looks like you’re probably having your share of at the moment.

I don’t know what to say about finding out that your best friend is a wife/SO beater and possible child molester. That’s just… damn.

#16

She emailed you because she’s curious as to whether or not she could still get you in the sack.

“Do I still got it?”

She’ll screw you, and then she’ll dump you again, which will give her the confidence to go after husband #2, whoever the lucky guy may be.

Don’t call. Don’t write. Delete that email. She will go nuts wondering why you didn’t drop everything and write her back.

If she emails you again after that, she’s REALLY needing some validation, and if you don’t email her back that second time, her head will explode and there will be feathers everywhere.

#17

I am about as qualified to give relationship advice as Michael Jackson is to provide childcare … but here goes anyway.

I second the advice of others in this thread. Don’t respond. Don’t do or say anything to this woman. Block her email address, and if she keeps emailing you, keep on blocking. Don’t rise to whatever bait she’s offering.

#18

I’ll join the chorus of people saying “Don’t respond in any way.” I’ve been where you are, and I’ve never felt better about myself than when I was able to walk away from the situation and not look back. You’ll learn that you’re stronger than you think you, and you have more willpower than you think you do. You’ll feel good about the fact that it was you who made the decision to end the stupid game. You are in control here, not her, unless you write her back. So don’t write her back.

#19

Tucker, here’s my addition to your thread: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=29406

The girl in question sounds very much like your Sarah. Stay away, you’re better than that.

Sam

#20

Yes. Yes I am. And you need to break that pattern. You can start by writing Sarah off without so much as a “bugger off.” Just delete her message.

I won’t give you any other advice, but I’ll tell you what I did when I was in your position. (After 8 years of getting screwed by women, and never once in the good way.)

I cut myself off from life entirely. I made no effort to meet women, and I cut off contact with the few I knew. I also had no contact with friends, and barely any with family. I didn’t know at the time how long that would last, but I figured 6 months to a year. I spent that time working on myself. Building my self-esteem, improving my living situation, etc. And as silly as it seems, I spent a small fortune at a bookstore, all on self-help books. Granted, most of them were shite, but with a little critical thinking I was able to extract the good advice from the bad.

In short, I made myself my own pet project.

After about 5 months of this, I decided I was ready to date again. The going was a little slow at first, but within two months I was dating four – count 'em, four – wonderful women. None of whom were game players. All of whom would have done anything for me.

And while I’ve cut down on so many girlfriends at once, I’ve rarely been without hot lovin’ since. That was 12 years ago. And not just in love, but in all aspects of life, I’ve never been happier.