And it started out to be such a nice day, too. This is a bit rambling, but well, there comes a time when you realize that your life is not merely warped, but completely bent instead.
Today, I find out that a friend, whom I had considered to be like a brother is possibly a child molester, and most definately someone who’ll beat the shit out of a woman because he can’t admit that he’s fucked something up. Of course, that’s not the worst of it. No, no, no.
I’m not feeling well (not because of my now ex-friend, but due to stomach problems), so instead of going to class like I normally do on Thursdays, I go home directly after work. When I get home, I check my e-mail, and find one from an ex-girlfriend. Admittedly, depending upon the ex, this could be a good thing, or a bad thing. In this case, it’s most definitely a bad thing.
Yeah, that’s right, the ex that I would have done anything to patch things up with, who looked me up two years after we split up, only so that she could get her boyfriend jealous enough to propose to her, has sent me an e-mail. Here’s what it says
Help me! I’ve no idea how she got my e-mail address, and despite the confusing way she writes e-mails, Sarah’s as equally as intelligent as I am, which is more than I can say for 99.99999% of the people I meet IRL. (No, really, that’s what they tell me, without me even asking.)
So why’s this tearing me apart? I’ll tell you why: Because I haven’t been able to heal the damage that Sarah did to me all those years ago until recently. I’ve made half-hearted attempts at dating since then, but they’ve not worked out, and I’m just now getting to the point where I can start thinking about what kinds of things I need to do before I get into a serious relationship.
To make matters worse, I’ve only had sex once since Sarah and I split, and the cow was a dead lay (trust me, I’ve plenty of evidence to verify that her lack of reaction had nothing to do with my performance), who was only using me to get the guy she was really interested in jealous. (Whoa! Anyone else seeing a pattern here?) Adding insult to injury, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel financially, and if I have any hope of accomplishing some of the things that I’d like to do in the next couple of years, I need help paying the bills (since it’s unlikely that my employer will be able to afford giving me a raise in the near future and it’s well-nigh impossible for one to find a job in my current field in this area at the moment).
I don’t know what to do. If I tell Sarah to get fucked (by someone other than me), I know it’ll be at least a year before I’m at a point in my life where I’m able to be in a relationship, and given that it’s too goddamn long since I’ve had any physical contact with a female, I can’t even think of “grudge fucking” her, as I’ll get too damned emotionally caught up in the whole affair to say, “Bye, Bitch” afterwards. And ladies, I’m not asking you to "take one for the team"as it were, because if I really just wanted to get laid, I’d go to a whorehouse (yes, they have them in Nashville, no, I’ve never been to one, but I do know how to find them). What I want, more than anything, is to be in an emotionally comitted relationship, where there’s at least the chance that it could turn into an LTR.