I Don't Like How I'm Feeling at the Moment

The BBQ Pit
1

There’s some backstory that goes with this rant, so bear with me please.

My first girlfriend in high school had an abusive father. I saw first hand the bruises he left on her, saw her wince with pain from the injuries he’d given her, and comforted her as best I could. My biggest fear from that moment on is that I would some day hit a woman. I have yet to do it, and its always been something I’ve prided myself on. I may have done some things I’m not proud of, but I’ve never done that.

Three years ago, I started dating a woman named Sarah. Sarah was wonderful, and seemed to be everything I had hoped for in a woman. Six months after we started dating, I proposed to Sarah. She dumped me three days later. It nearly killed me.

Looking back now, it was a good thing that she did. I never really showed my appreciation for Sarah, and in many ways I took her for granted. After she and I split up, I didn’t date for a long time. I needed to get my head on straight. I had to figure the things that I did wrong so that the next time I dated someone, maybe they wouldn’t go sour. I was alone for a year.

During that time, Sarah’s name became like an oath to me. When I was screwing up, I’d say her name, and feel inspired to do better. At night my dreams were of her.

I met Rachel nearly a year to the day that Sarah and split up, and with her, I really tried. I did my best, but it didn’t matter because Rachel was only using me. She left me for an ex-heroin addict, dead-beat dad, whom she stayed with for a couple of months, and then left for someone else.

Back in April of this year, Sarah called me. Totally out of the blue. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in two years. She seemed to be testing the waters, and I would have slaughtered the world to have her back. It turned out, of course, that Sarah was only using me to panic her boyfriend so that he’d propose to her.

That ended any feelings I had for Sarah. At that point, I just didn’t care about her any longer. I thought about her only occasionally, and it was more the passing thought, than longing for her. I had no desire to see or hear from her again.

Finding out that I don’t have to work tomorrow, I decided to go see my old friend Gary who works third shift at the convenience store. He and I talk for a while, and then he has to make breakfast. So while he’s doing that, I read a newspaper. A car pulls up and parks in front of the window in front of me. It’s dark in that area of the parking lot, and I can’t tell a lot about the car, but it seems vaguely familiar. Doesn’t mean anything, of course, Gary’s got a lot of regular customers, and it’s probably one of them. Even if its not, the car’s got a pretty common profile, so it’s not really distinctive. I can tell that there’s two people in the car, but nothing more. One of them get’s out, waves at me, and I nod my head. Can’t tell a thing about them, and they’re probably just waving to say, “It’s okay, I’m not going to rob you.” or something similar.

They come into the store, and I realize that it’s fucking Sarah! She acts friendly to me, as she get’s a pack of cigarettes from Gary (I noticed that she’s switched brands.). The person in the car is most likely her finace. I’m cold and distant to Sarah, I say, “Hi.” and respond to her questions, but don’t ask any of my own, and return to my newspaper every chance I get. I hoped that it wasn’t obvious that I was shaking. I wanted to fucking kill her. I wanted to rip the flesh from her bones with my teeth. I wanted to kill her and then go out to her car, rip her fiance from it and beat him with my fists until there was nothing left of him. Dear goddess, I’ve never wanted to harm anyone in my life as much as I did those two then. I didn’t do it.

It’s been over two hours since I saw her and I’m still shaking. I guess I should be proud of myself, since I didn’t do anything, but knowing what I wanted to do to her bothers the hell out of me. The liquor stores won’t be open for several hours yet, and I’ve got to get some sleep, but I think that when I wake up, I’m going to buy myself a bottle of booze and get hammered.

2

May your gods comfort you, Tuckerfan. I’m very sorry for your grief. Don’t let what you wanted to do bother you, because in fact you did do what you wanted to. We always do.

3

And he’s right. We all have our dark side, every last one of us. We all get violent impulses, and worse. All of us are capable of the most heinous crimes imaginable. The only thing that stops us committing them is our own will

It’s not that decent people don’t have these feelings, it’s that decent people don’t act on them. You had a violent impulse, that just proves you’re a human being. You didn’t act on your impulse, so you’re a decent human being.

If we’re judged, we’re not judged on the feelings we have, but on the way we handle them.

4

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying “The best revenge is living well.”

I feel your pain, man - I’ve been there. But watch the alcohol - You may have the self control to restrain yourself while sober, but you just might end up doing something stupid that you’ll regret while drunk. And I don’t mean something violent, more along the lines of calling her at 2:00 in the morning and telling her how much of a bitch she is and that she ruined your life and that there’s always a chance for you two.

All told, I admire you - you handled it alot better than I did.

5

Oh, I won’t call her. I’ve had some dark days in my life, and I’ve never called an ex with the crying jags or to cuss them out. I might punch holes in the walls, or get the crying jags, but that’s been the limit of it so far.

6

In a sense, that’s what you at least appeared to be doing to her. You didn’t smile like you were happy to see her, you didn’t appear interested in what she was doing, and acted like she was gone from your life and your heart. If you’d done anything that looked like you were still in love, or given into your urges and gotten mad, if you’d tried to hurt them, she’d know that she still had something of an emotional hold over you.

Obviously, what she did still bothers you very deeply, but you didn’t give into any dark impulses. And so I’d count that as far better than still mooning over her and what could have been.

(Be careful about more than occasional use of alcohol in situations like this though. U2 expressed the quote as, “I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they learned to swim…”)

7

EGG HER HOUSE! I’ll help! :slight_smile:

If you want her to think you’re doing well financially since you broke up, egg her house with caviar. Domestic of course. It’s cheaper, & you can’t really tell the difference.

Tuckerfan–on a serious note… this ain’t healthy for you. Get out of your house, get some excercise & fresh air, maybe go to that art museum under the Parthenon. Distract yourself, in other words.

If you need to talk, I’m local & an e-mail will get you my number.

8

Unfortunately, Tuckerfan I can appreciate all too well what you’re feeling. I had a similar series of incidents with an ex about 3 or 4 years ago, although the circumstances were not nearly as pleasant. I cannot even begin to describe the sheer amount of torture, wrath, and unmitigated physical pain I wished (and almost performed) on him. Thank God I had enough sense to go through with a restraining order.

I thought you might appreciate this passage, as it was something that comforted me once upon a time:

If you want to bitch to somebody, I’m all ears.
Jet

9

Wishing you peace…

10

Wow, Tuckerfan, I can imagine that those were some pretty scary feelings. I think we all get them (I know I do!); horrible, cruel feelings that bring us right to the brink of violence. If we’re civilized, we don’t give in to them, because as strong as the impulse gets, it is still possible to keep from lashing out. And it’s important.

Of course, you don’t need to be told that you did the right thing, by not tearing out her and her fiance’s guts in a maniacal bloodbath.
But I think you DO need to be told that you did nothing wrong by having those thoughts. They’re just thoughts. Thoughts can be dark, and frightening, and altogether wild, but what really matters is how you act on them. If you’re worried that it makes you an evil, brutish man for thinking this way, or that you’re somehow comparable to the abusive men that have hurt the women in your life, put your mind at ease. You’re nothing like that. Your story makes is pretty clear that you are a gentle, sensitive person. And even the most kindhearted sap in the world sometimes feels like clawing at the eyes of an antagonist.

So take it easy, pal - you’ve been treated like crap, and definitely deserve a hug!

{{tuckerfan}}

Love, Kn*ckers

11

Fuck, I know that feeling all too well. Feels like someone just kicked you in the balls as hard as they could. Huge adrenaline rush. Fight or flight.

And they wonder why you don’t want to be friends after they just crushed your heart.

Go ahead, get shit faced. But, do it with a buddy. Don’t drink to get drunk alone - that way lies madness.

12

All this time you’ve been afraid that you’d hit a woman for any insignicant reason.
But, even after what she had done, you were able to prevent yourself from even saying anything in anger.

If you’re strong enough to deal with that anger, you’re strong enough to deal with this pain.

You will make it through this.

13

Yeah, you’re okay.

Thoughts don’t count. Actions do.

14

Tuckerfan,

If you don’t have a history of having these violent feelings then I would be wary but not sweat it.

I had a very scary episode where I had a very powerful urge to do somthing very scary and it passed. The urge took me by surprise and left me scared for days afterword.

It has never happened again.

I think these things just happen, though rarely.

The point is that you did resist this very powerful urge.

15

Tucker-been there, done that, patched walls as a result.
I won’t go into the whole story, but there is a man whom if I never see it will be too soon, as he tore me up, chewed me out, and like a moron I went back only to have it happen again.

It’s a bitch. But you handled it as well as you could.

I am stuck seeing my personal satan at least 2x/year, and it’s all I can do not to rip his dangly bits off. But it does get better.

Entering a new relationship with all this in your head is going to be extremely difficult. You need to get through it before you can deal with someone else.

ok, that was quite the trainless thought post.

And, like others, my e-mail is here- use if you would like.

16

I’m the wimpiest person imaginable—I hardly ever have violent thoughts.

And yet I’ve shocked myself by thinking some HORRIBLE things on occasion. It happens to all of us.

When I read your OP I actually expected something more scandalous. Not to say that I couldn’t sympathize with your distress and pain, because I could. But there was a part of me that thought, "Is that it? Just bad thoughts?"

So, take heart. You are normal. You thought bad thoughts and knew better than to cultivate them. You were ashamed of them. You are normal. You are not bad.

My heart goes out to you and what you’ve been feeling. Take care of yourself; this will pass.

17

Yosemitebabe,

I believe I understand the OP.

It isn’t just bad thoughts. It’s very bad thoughts where you were very, very close to following through. You know you were very close and the fact that you almost did it scares the beejeeses out of you.

18

andymurph: Yes, I agree—that’s a pretty shocking thing to realise—that you are very temped to do something violent. But the bottom line was, all he did was have bad thoughts. He didn’t do anything. And I don’t believe he ever will, because he won’t cultivate the thoughts or the temptations.

But yes, it is scary when you really feel close to doing something. I’ve had those feelings. Never done anything. Felt weird for even being tempted, though.

19

Felt weird??

I don’t think you quite get what I’m saying…

20

I’ve been there before and I can honestly say that ‘weird’ just isn’t quite strong enough to covey those types of feelings. I’m talking the kind of feelings that make your blood boil and your hands clench up into fists so tight you draw blood. The kind of feelings that make you gnash your teeth so hard you crack a crown off. The kind of feelings that make you throw your fist through a wall rather than someone’s head. The kind of feelings that leave you with bloody knuckles, a broken toe, and about $500 worth of damage to your furniture.

A little more than weird indeed.