Hasn't he given me enough grief?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Sanguine,

The one-last-get-it-out-of-your-system e-mail may feel like a great catharsis, but I agree with Ivylass and others that the best remedy is to cut him out like a cancer. Try writing that e-mail, reading it to a couple of friends, and then deleting it without sending it to the guy. It may not be quite as satisfying as knowing he’ll read it, but it’s far less dangerous.

If he writes, delete or tear it up without reading it. If he calls, hang up without a word. Show him that you are utterly indifferent to his existence on earth. The silent treatment has the ability to send the strongest possible “get thee to hell” message possible. Why do you think the “ignore” feature works so well on trolls?

Good luck, and congrats on finding a true gentleman to show you how a lady should be treated.

All the best,

Kizarvexius

22

I wrote the email… DAMN was that a rant! I wrote out everything I ever felt about him, everything he ever did wrong, everything. I don’t think I’ve ever written such an epic email, I mean, W-H-O-A! I reread it and thought over a lot of it and guess what? I deleted it, the whole thing… hasta la bye bye. Down into the virtual trashbin it went. But it sure felt good to spell it all out. I didn’t get as upset as I thought I would while writing it and it felt good to trash it. He represents pure trash to me, everything I don’t want to have in my life that’s painful and negative. So into the trashcan he went and I feel GOOOOOOD!

I did tell my SO and he didn’t get upset and most importantly, he didn’t feel hurt by it. He also requested that I just not reply but I already knew by that point that it wouldn’t have done me any good to respond. I’ve got to trust my instincts more. I now know what people mean when they say they’ve felt something within themselves break free. I feel free. I went on to have an incredible time with my SO this weekend and enjoyed every second I spent with him. He could tell that I was truly joyful and in the moment. Talk about feeling happy-go-lucky. It’s a new feeling and I’m digging it.

Thank you Dopers for sharing and caring. You guys are wonderful.

23

Perfect! Good for you! I’m really impressed that you were so pleased with the writing and still completely deleted it. That took a lot of strength, and I think it’s a great big step in your present relationship too. Best of luck.

24

:slight_smile: :smiley: :slight_smile: :smiley: :slight_smile:

And also :cool: !

SanguineSpider, you DONE GOOD. May this wonderful weekend with your Prince Charming SO be just the first of too many to count.

You go, girl!

25

Round of applause, Sanguine. Rock on.

26

Girl, you SO rock.

27

Of course.

But that is unsatisfying, isn’t it? Just composing that slam email was much better.

This relationship was only about control; he had it all. You didn’t, and that’s why it still gets to you.

He had control because he had nothing to lose because he has no deep emotions and therefore did not care about you or the relationship; you, on the other hand, are human. Nothing will ever change that power dynamic.

So think about the atrocities committed over control of the diamond mines in Africa. Focus all your energy on discouraging young people from buying diamonds as engagement rings. And have sex frequently with your SO.

That should keep everything in the proper perspective.

28

Sorry in advance for the long post, but this all hits close to home.

When my ex-wife and I first started dating, she was so downtrodden by her previous relationships that she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t abusive towards her. That was the only type of relationship Michelle had ever seen, and pretty much figured that that was the way things were except for in romance novels.

For example, I would be driving somewhere with her and I’d ask her to pick out a CD to listen to – she’d refuse on the grounds that I might not like what she’d selected, regardless of the fact that they were all my CDs to begin with. Going to a restaurant, she couldn’t bring herself to tell the waiter that she wanted a slight change to her entree. It might make him mad. By the time I finally got her to open up and tell me what her previous “boyfriends” had done to her, I was ready to kill each and every one of them. And I have a very, very long fuse. It’s just a good thing that I didn’t know any of them, as God only knows what I might have done.

Every now and then, one of these troglodytes would try to get in touch with Michelle. It wasn’t that they cared for her, it was that they were looking for someone to bully around. “Gee, my last girlfriend got uppity and kicked me out, so I’ll go back to see if Michelle’s still around – at least she knew her place.” Each one of them seemed unpleasantly surprised when Michelle hung up on them. They called back and left pissed off messages with all kind of vile threats. Usually they’d call back again a few minutes later and leave sweet-talking apologies. One of them even drove by the house and pounded on the door for a few minutes. Michelle wrote a note on a piece of paper and taped it to the front window. It said: “I don’t need you. P.S., the police have been called.” He left skid marks on his way out.

Michelle and I eventually outgrew eachother, but we continue to be on excellent terms with one another. She is now in a happy and stable relationship with a guy who treats her extremely well. At the age of 26, she’s halfway through her first year of college, and even got a 4.0 last semester. I couldn’t be prouder.

Sanguine Spider, I know you only by the posts I have been reading in this forum for the past few months. But again you have my most heartfelt congratulations on having gotten out of a bad situation, and on not letting that subhuman back into your life. Congratulations go also to your prince charming, who obviously has the wisdom to appreciate the treasure he has found.

29

I’m happy to realize the treasure I’ve found in my SO, as well. He’s an absolute GEM of a guy!

j66, that HUGE email I wrote but deleted did satisfy me and it was weird but GOOD to feel that after putting so much into it. It freed me somehow without giving creep any power. Not responding gave the power to me.

The good vibes just keep growing and I’m planting the seeds of the future here and now with my SO. I am truly blessed.

30

Good, and congratulations, and all that good stuff.

[But I still think that control-freaks get control because all they care about is control, and so have nothing to lose.]

31

Wow. I guess my advice is a little late. But its my dime. So this guy is the slime that plumbers dig out of drains with metal snakes, is he? And no one should go through what you did, right? Granted you have better things to hang over your fireplace than his Gonads mounted on a trophy-plack, but it would be Very easy to do, and in just 5 easy steps.

  1. Let him email you some scheming sleazy stuff about how he misses you.

  2. Print it.

  3. Find out his mailing address (you know his name: Fred Totalscumbag. Ask information for a listing and also for the address.

  4. Put the emails in a plain white envelope addressed to “Mrs. Totalscumbag” at his address and mail it.

  5. Set your email controls to block his email address.

32

DO NOT ENGAGE!

…as everyone keeps telling you, and as I see (having made it through the thread) you’ve decided to do. As long as you keep responding, he knows he’s got part of your mind and heart, and will keep playing with them.

Almost two years ago, I finally wrote off a long-ago ex, who had been using my promise to remain friends as justification for screwing me over (physically and metaphorically). After one last encounter in which it was obvious that Peabrain was never going to treat me honorably, I wrote two letters to him. One was the version that I planned to send, one was a more detailed explanation, with examples of everything he’d done (lies told, behaviors, etc.).

Then I called about a half-dozen of my closest friends, made arrangements to meet, and printed out three copies of each letter. We sat around, schmoozed, talked, sang, and they each read both letters, and edited the one that I intended to send. (After they read the detailed one, I had to talk two friends out of hunting Peabrain down and beating the sh*t out of him.)

So I wound up with a very clear, very succinct letter which said, “I do not want you in my life any more; it’s not worth it. Do not call, do not email, do not try to catch me in person.” And I looked at all the edits, made the ones I liked, and mailed the letter the next day.

It took six months of my nor responding to phone messages or emails, but he finally got the point. And it may take that long – or longer – for your stupid ex to get the point. My suggestions are: refuse his emails; delete his phone messages – or, if you have to listen to each one to hear the next, start thinking in another language until his voice goes off; and, should you be tempted to engage him (and he’ll probably try something to get you angry enough to do so, or he’ll snivel about how mean and unjust you are, until you’re tempted to call him and justify your behavior), arrange to discuss it with a friend – ideally one who’s seen him at his worst, and had to pick you up after he’s hurt you – before you do anything.

Basically, don’t engage, and set up your life so that you won’t be tempted to engage him without talking with other people first.

33

If you have time and the want, read the book “Last Chance Saloon”. The women in it have terrible boyfriends who are horrible to them, and their ability to rise above it was inspiring. And, my ex was terrible, but the guys in this book made him look… pleasant.

34

Ooooh! I love happy choices!

Ivylass won’t have to use her hammer this time, but the brigade will remain ready whenever we are needed.

Meanwhile, let’s all get “necked” and dance!

35

Love and hate are two sides of the same emotion. Indifference is the opposite of both.

36

Oh, Sanguine, I’m so proud of you!

Scumbag is past, he’s gone, he’s yesterday’s news. Concentrate on building a life with your SO. As my dad likes to say, “Don’t trip over anything behind you.”

37

I’m glad you don’t feel the need to reply to his email, but if you do…

write a short reply saying that no, you are not anyone he knows. This is a true statement. You do not in any way resemble the person he had a relationship with.

38

I have blocked his emails and so far no phone calls. May he think the email addy defunct for evermore! HUZZAH!

I love you (Dopers), you love me… we’re a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won’t you say you love… me… tooooooo!

Bah, Barney’s on my brain * mutters something about watching too much PBS*