Okay - I met this guy online three weeks ago. I really really like him from day one (this has never happened to me before). I have met numerous guys via online dating. I have read ‘He just not that into you’ and understood it.
This guy has asked me out a fair number of times - he texts and calls - all good signs. He told me on our 3rd date that he had to take things slowly (the aformentioned book says this is what blokes say when they don’t want to scare you away but want to take things slowly). He told me on about the 5th date that he wanted to ‘keep it light, nothing heavy’ (he is just out of a 10 year relationship). He told his mum and some mates he was seeing someone.
However - he still keeps looking on the online website and he has recently added a photo, something which he didn’t have before. I’m I missing something?
Yes, I still have my profile visible and occassionally talk to guys online, but I haven’t changed my profile and I’m really not that interested in anyone else.
Any comments? Insights?
My best guess (granted I am a girl, but I do the online dating thing) is that since you met online and he doesn’t really know much about you and your history other than what you have told him, he can’t bring himself to take down his and and pull himself off the marked for fear that you are a psycho. Not saying that you are a psycho, just that he doesn’t know that for sure yet. I have been out with many people who on the first couple of dates were awesome and then around date 4 or 5 prove themselves to be someone I couldn’t ever be with in any kind of meaningful way. It is a big leap of faith to go out with someone you have never met before so he may not be comfortable with the whole situation yet.
I would say this is the key. Why are you expecting something from him that you yourself are not doing?
Are you exclusive yet in your opinion? In his? I’m wondering whether he knows you’ve stopped seeing other people in favour of him?
(I’m not certain of the protocol for this; I’ve never gotten past the first date with anyone I met online.)
Yep. Covering his bases until he can be more sure about you.
When does one start stalking about being exclusive?
It’s been three weeks and about 7 dates.
He put the photo up two days ago - I haven’t changed my profile at all.
So should I just keep letting him contact me and making decisions on when we are going to see each other? And for the record, I don’t want to scare him off and I thought that by removing my profile and asking to be exclusive after only 3 weeks, this would scare him off.
Until you two decide to be exclusive you should not expect, (or be expected to) take down profiles. If you’ve been dating for a while and then his profile shows back up…then you may have an issue.
I guess I’m wondering how long is ‘a while’ and also trying to second guess his motives for putting up a picture - I probably have to forget this and let things unfold.
He’s keeping his options open until the time comes that you two are exclusive. There’s no mystery here.
Some sites review all the pictures that are submitted before posting them. I assume that’s a manual process. If there was a backlog, maybe he submitted the picture a while ago and it’s only just now showing up.
And this book sold how many copies?
“A while” is different for different couples. You just have to see how things progress. Three dates isn’t enough IMO. I would at least give it a couple of months, and then when it is pretty much assumed by the both of you that you are doing something together every weekend, then talk about it. Sex can, of course, complicate matters.
I’m on this website too - it doesn’t take long to submit pictures.
The book says if a guy says this ‘early on’ - he means it, if he says this after a few weeks, he is not that into you. This book sold heaps I think - the author was on Oprah, apparently he reckons you aren’t supposed to sleep with men for at least 3 months - WHOOPS! But I think he probably is a little behind the times with this one. A guy can still be into you even if you have sex early on in my experience and if they aren’t that into you, they lose interest in sex with you.
Seems like he just meant what he said when he said he wanted to keep things light. He likes spending time with you but isn’t interested in being a one-woman man for now. I wouldn’t count on him suddenly deciding he wants to be exclusive. Having a ten year relationship is enough to make anyone a little gun shy about jumping into anything else serious for a while.
That’s what I had figured too, however, since he said that, he’s been texting me and asking me out and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t met up with anyone else.
There are also guys in that situation who want to keep their options open but not necessarily exercise them–knowing they could is enough.
Regardless, don’t assume it’s exclusive until you both say it is. And if you want it to be, see how he feels about it.