Dammit I need dating advice.

So I also need some dating advice and didn’t want to hijack the other thread.

A couple of weeks ago I got up the courage to go to a singles mixer. I ended up hitting it off with a man I’ll call Steve. We ended up chatting for most of the evening and as things got later and louder we decided to go somewhere more quiet.

We hung out there for a couple of hours just talking. It was really nice. He drove me home, we said goodnight and that was it. No kissing or anything physical.

That was on a Saturday. I didn’t hear from him so I figured he wasn’t all that in to me but I decided on Tuesday to email him and just say basically “even though there doesn’t seem to be a connection, I just wanted to thank you for a lovely evening and good luck in your search”.

He sent one back saying he’s a slow and steady type and if he wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t have spent all that time with me and would I like to go out again. I said that would be nice and we ended up going out for dinner and a movie. He brought me a set of books he thought I might like which I though was so thoughtful.

At the end of that date, there was a very small kiss.

He asked me out for dinner a couple of days later but it was too short notice for me so I had to decline but we’ve been doing a lot of texting and emailing.

So here’s the part I need advice about.

We were both registered for another dating event. His was for tonight and mine isn’t for another week. I decided that if he didn’t go to his, I wouldn’t go to mine. He went to his. And exactly what I thought would happen, did. I was pretty sure that if he didn’t meet anyone else who interested him, he’d contact me, which he did. He sent me a text saying it was cancelled and so he was going to go out for dinner.

The problem I’m having is I feel like if he’s still wanting to look it means that he hasn’t found what he’s looking for with me. And by texting me after there wasn’t anything better at the dating thing, that he’ll settle for me.

I don’t want to be somebody’s “good enough”. I want more than that. I guess I’m disappointed that I thought things were going in the right direction but he didn’t.

Am I totally off base here? I’m confident that had he met someone else at the dating thing, he would not have been texting me after and that he’s only wanting to contact me because he didn’t find something better.


I think you’re way too early in your potential relationship to be expecting exclusivity. I wouldn’t read much into it at this point, particularly since the event was pre-planned. My vote is: way too early for snap judgements, you can always dump him later if it turns out he really isn’t interested in you (or you, him).

You are off base here. He is dating. People who are dating date. That’s what they do. Dating (as in going on dates with different people in the same time period) is a good thing for both parties.

When you don’t date, and instead just decide to be exclusive with the first person who shows promise with the assumption that you’ll continue that way unless something goes wrong, you aren’t really showing them much respect. After all, how much can you really know about a person after a few dates? So you aren’t really being exclusive because of who they are as a person, you are becoming exclusive by default. That’s not very flattering, is it? Indeed, it’s pretty presumptuous. That would be the real “he’s settling for me.”

Furthermore, the goal of the exercise is to find the best match for both people- not just to end up with a partner no matter. If you guys really are meant to be, it’s good that he’s had some time to test that theory. It’s good that he isn’t just sticking with the first thing that seems good. That way, when he does choose you, you can know that he really is choosing you for who you are, and that you really are his first choice.

I’d suggest you take this slow, relax, and also keep dating until you have a conversation with someone where you explicitly agree to be exclusive. Keeping multiple balls in the air keeps a lot of the pressure off, keeps your own emotions in check, and is more likely to lead to a good match.

With only two dates (and one being the singles event itself), I think it’s asking too much for him to know already he doesn’t want to look anymore. I think it’s appropriate to go to events and meet people and date a bit while figuring things out. At some point you’d be right to expect monogamy, if that’s what you want, but this soon is too early to expect it.

Ok I’ll accept that I’m in the wrong on this. Thank you.

I know you said you get it but I just want to reinforce that you are way, way off base. Yes, that little spark of connection in the very beginning is really fun but it doesn’t really mean anything. It might, someday, but you can’t possibly know that after such a short time and you can’t expect other people to know that or commit to that kind of “well… maybe…”

Also, and I honestly don’t mean to offend, you come off kind of needy and VERY intense in your OP. If that vibe is present IRL it’s going to be very off-putting to any guy who wants something a little more meaningful than first come, first served.

I honestly didn’t get that vibe from the OP, ymmv of course. I don’t think it’s wrong to want that “love at first sight” type of moment, but most of the time it doesn’t work that way. Until he gives you a reason to, don’t assume he isn’t into you. Everyone goes at their own pace.

He might be posting on a message board right now saying something like, “I thought we had a nice time but got an email saying something about ‘no connection’ and ‘good luck in your search’ - do I ask her out again?”

That’s really not leading with your best foot. If you liked him, why pre-emptively reject him? All it does is give the impression that you’re defensive or insecure.

Instead, a message like, “Had a nice time. Would like to see you again. Lets get together again soon if you’re of the same mind.” Leaves a much better impression.

Yes. Actually I think it’s lucky the guy didn’t run away after she sent him that self-defeating email.


I’m not a relationship expert or psychoanalyst. But it sounds like you met a potentially-great-for-you guy and you’re looking for ways to sabotage yourself already. With all due respect (because I like and respect you a lot, FG), it’s hopelessly naive to expect that you should–or even CAN–be someone’s “one and only.” I’m probably not my boyfriend’s best possible match within a 50-mile radius, nor is he likely mine. But relationships don’t work that way. You only need to be “good enough” together, and both willing to make it work in the long run.

Besides, if there’s someone out there who’s a better match for him than you are, wouldn’t you rather he find out now (when you have very little invested in each other) than 10 years from now (when you’re married)?

This is what I was thinking. OP straight up told the guy that they didn’t have a connection, but went out with him again anyway. If anything, he’s the one seeing red flags here.

I don’t think I’m being self-defeating, desperate or overly needy myself. I think sometimes people forget that things that we say here we don’t say in real life and sometimes we just need a sounding board from anonymous strangers.

At any rate I took the advice here, played it cool and he asked me out for tonight so woot!

Awesome! Have fun!

w00t! Indeed. :slight_smile:

Yay! I hope things keep going well for both of you.

So… which one of you did the walk of shame this morning? :stuck_out_tongue:

Best. Date. Ever.

And he suggested that we see each other exclusively so holy smokes am I glad I listened to the advice here.

Given that this thread has had its fairy tale ending, can you singles reduce my old married’s ignorance some?

I have been told by my 22 year old (who himself is involved in an exclusive relationship of some duration) that most people his age tend to casually hook-up sexually and occasionally after that a serious exclusive relationship might emerge. (Which he states by compare and contrast that such is not his approach or scene.) My older (involved but not as seriously or as long) son also discusses the disconnect between physical hooking up and wanting a relationship and mixed signals/hurt feelings that sometimes result on both sides.

Yet I am also aware of studies that show that more teens and young adults are voluntarily waiting longer to become sexually active. And this story of sweet cautious small kiss second date goes against that mold as well. Are my sons merely biased by the demographics of their friends or do they reflect a norm among young adults today?

FYI we’re both divorced 40 somethings so I don’t even know what the crazy kids today are doing.

It’s so good to hear a story where it all goes right once in a while! :slight_smile:

I just wanted to add that it’s also good to anticipate that what you are doing right here, he is doing too. IRL or on a message board.

So it’s entirely possible that he said to his friends: “OMG I met this really awesome woman, I’m cancelling that other event RIGHT NOW!” and his friends immediately said: “No man, you need to chill, she’s obviously dating, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, it’s important to get out there”-etc.

It’s something to bear in mind.