Okay, here’s the situation: I took a MUCH-needed year off from dating, and improved greatly as a human being as a result. I’ve never learned very much about dating people in a constructive way, never having had any good examples to learn from. Anyway…
I recently started dating someone who… well, I like the guy a lot. He’s brilliant and exceptionally geeky, which goes a very long way with me. I’m attracted to him to a certain extent, I guess I would say. Yet that inexplicable certain something that causes us to say, “Yes! This is now my new boyfriend, and I don’t want to date anyone else!”, well… it’s not there yet. So here’s the thing.
For a whole variety of reasons, I’ve never really dated more than one person at the same time. But… what if I wanted to? How do you handle it? Do you have to go around telling everybody? How soon do you bring it up? It is a sign that you shouldn’t be dating the first person at all? Do I have to go hide in a cave now??
I have some experience in this area, but am by no means an expert. Here are my rules for dating multiple people at once, or dating one person while being open to dating others:
Don’t lie. Also, don’t pretend to be more interested in someone than you are.
Exclusivity is not automatically assumed by most people until you start sleeping together. Then I think it is assumed, by most people. So, definitely have a talk at that point about whether or not you’re going to be exclusive if you haven’t by then. (Personally, I’d wait until after the first time, in case they’re terrible and it’s suddenly no longer an issue.)
Don’t even mention exclusivity on the first few dates, unless rule #2 comes into play. If you find someone you want to date on a regular basis, let them know that you’re not ready to commit exclusively to someone right now, but that might change in the future and in any event you’ll have a talk with them before you sleep with someone else.
The key is playing it cool. Don’t make a big deal of it. If someone seems like they’re getting way more attached to you than you are to them, do them a favor and break up sooner rather than later.
Casual dating can be a great experience if you do it right, especially if you’ve only been in relationships before. As long as you’re honest with people, there’s nothing wrong with it.
How long have you been dating him? It took me a couple of months to start getting that “oh, yeah, this guy is DEFINITELY my boyfriend” feeling with my current boyfriend. I was a bit worried, but I’m getting crazier and crazier about him.
What threw me off was that my last relationship was more of the sort where I felt I was hit by lightning when we met – I wouldn’t go so far as to call it love at first sight, but it was definitely major infatuation at first sight. With MuchBetterGuy now, it’s sort of creeping up on me, but it’s definitely there.
My only advice is make up a pet name. Then use that name for BOTH (or all) the guys you’re dating.
This way you don’t accidently call one guy by the other guy’s name.
Which can be especialy awkward if you do this durring love making…
Personally, I don’t think you’re under any ethical or moral obligation to tell them anything unless they specificaly ask. In which case you could tell them or NOT tell them. Obviously, what you shouldn’t do is lie.
Yeah, I’m kinda in the same situation. We’ve got out 3 times and would’ve slept together this last time, had he planned ahead and had some protection around. (Yeah yeah, I could’ve had some too, but damnit, we were at his house!). I’m totally not feeling the “boyfriend” vibe, we are firmly planted in the “dating” realm.
I think you’ve just got to feel the other person out. How much contact do you have? Is all of the contact planned (i.e. no random phone calls, every get together is strictly planned out, ect.) I think as long as you’re still in the dating realm, you’re okay to see other people.
I think once you start just calling to say hi, having impromptu get togethers, that’s the time to talk exclusivity, as you’re beginning to move from “dating” to “relationship.”
I agree with what Giraffe said, and I like the way he (she?) said it – except for the part about waiting until after the first time, in case the other person isn’t good. :dubious:
I personally don’t have any expectation of exclusivity until/unless I start sleeping with someone, but you can be damn sure I’m gonna find out how the other person feels about it before then. But it’s different for every couple: once upon a time I was seeing two different guys, and sleeping with each of them. Neither relationship was particularly serious: everyone knew the deal, and one of the guys was also sleeping with other women but the other guy wasn’t. The guy who wasn’t sleeping with anyone else wound up breaking up with me because he wanted to be more serious than I did, but for a few weeks there things were quite groovy. Those were the days… {sigh}
Dating more than one person at a time isn’t right for everyone (these days I generally prefer not to), but if that’s what you find yourself wanting to do, I really do think you’ll figure it out as you go along. Just take things a day at a time, don’t lie to anyone (including yourself), and HAVE FUN.
Just don’t pretend to anyone – especially yourself – that you’re feeling anything you’re not feeling.
But also don’t let some preconception about how you “should” be feeling force you into making some stupid decision.
I was in a situation last spring where I was dating an Extremely Nice Guy in a non-exclusive way when I decided I was In Love with another guy, so I broke it off with the ENG. He wanted to stay friends, so we’ve continued to see each other for dinner, a movie, a concert, or just hanging out. Needless to say,the thing with the guy I was In Love with blew up on me a couple of weeks later (long story that doesn’t reflect terribly well on me), whereas I’m still seeing ENG real regularly. And, I recently realized, he’s someone I always have a good time with, even when we’re just wandering around window-shopping or whatever. So now I’m girding myself to ask ENG if he’d like to resume more of a dating type relationship. I just hope I haven’t totally blown it with him because at the time I preferred “giddy” to “warm and fuzzy.”
Okay – that was a hijack. I’ll admit it. My point, though, is – stay in the moment, keep track of what you are feeling as opposed to what you think you should be feeling, and don’t lie about your feelings or your activities.
OMG, are you me??
I was in exactly this situation about 20 years ago! The guy who wasn’t seeing anyone else was much more taken with me than I was with him. In fact, I was disappointed that I wasn’t more taken with him, because he was a great guy. But what can you do? Oh, and I ended up marrying the guy who was seeing other people. We will celebrate our 16th anniversary in November, and have three kids!
As to the OP: feel free to date as many people as you like. Don’t lie to anyone, but don’t give details, either. The guy you’re on a date with tonight does not want to hear about the guy you were on a date with last Saturday! (I’m sure you already knew that, but it bears saying in case someone else in the same circumstances doesn’t realize it).
My situation was about 10 years ago, and was highly unusual for me. I’m not putting myself down or anything: it’s just rare for me to meet someone I’d be ok having a one-night stand with who feels the same way about me…and to find two of them at the same time was nothing short of miraculous! It was also highly unusual because both guys were drug addicts and alcoholics, both had one or two kids from previous relationships (the guy who was seeing other people had a son nearly my age :eek: ), and both had no more than a high school education. But, both relationships were mostly about the sex, each guy had his redeeming qualities, and I was very young and still a little naiive about such things. I didn’t wind up marrying either of them.
When the guy who wasn’t seeing anyone else ended things, though, he actually proposed to me, which was weird because we’d only been seeing each other a few weeks and were nowhere close to being serious. He even said that when I did settle down with someone, it would be with a guy like him. :rolleyes: He cried, though, and it was really kind of sweet and touching. He wound up dying of a drug overdose a few years later, when he was still in his early 20s. ( ) To date, his is the only marriage proposal I’ve received.
The things (and guys) I did when I was young and didn’t know any better… :smack:
Well, since we’re hijacking the hell out of this thread, I might as well report here – he just called and we had “the talk.” He’s seeing someone else, and, though he likes me a lot…
Nah, Twickster, I think it’s ENG’s fault. If he’d have known what to do in the first place to get/keep you interested, you never would have let him go. He’s the one who missed out.
And Anise, I say do whatever you’re comfortable with. If you’re ok with dating more than one person, go for it. I wouldn’t lie about it or try to hide it, just approach it as an adult…if one of your ‘dates’ asks you about it, be upfront, but treat it casually and very matter-of-factly. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, then it shouldn’t be.
It’s very hard to meet someone you want to be exclusive with, and (most of the time) it takes a while to get to know someone well enough to realize you want to be exclusive. So, in my opinion, why look one person at a time?
Thanks hon – but no, I was so busy obsessing about this other guy (when I knew things couldn’t work out with him) that I didn’t treat ENG with the consideration he deserved. I screwed up.
Damn, you’d think considering how smart I am, I’d be a little less clueless when it comes to my love life…
I’ve been lurking in the thread, twick and am sorry to hear about your situation. Maybe you could tell ENG that he should think of you if his situation changes…or at the very least, stay in touch with him and keep track of his love life…
And Anise I think the other posters have given good advice - be up front and honest so you don’t have to cover up anything or deceive…
I think that could be the motto for most of us around here.
And add me to the list of folks who sympathize about ENG. This stuff is a bitch, ain’t it? (I hope that I’m allowed to say the “b” word outside of the Pit… :eek: )
He’s the one who said “let’s stay in touch” – I did mention he’s an Extremely Nice Guy, right? But I think at this point I’ve FUBARed this puppy. Oh well.
Anise – a thousand apologies for hijacking your thread and paddling it up the creek of my own soap opera. I hope at least you’ll realize that if you do eff things up – which you won’t, because you’ll profit by my bad example – there’s plenty of sympathy and empathy available for you.