Well, that’s how I think of it, exactly, except that I doubt I could have put it into words that way. But I have a history of only dating one person at a time. It’s hard for me to change, but I think it would be good for me, because I really don’t like the way I’ve handled dating in the past a lot of the time. What I’d usually do is:
1.) Get sucked into something much too serious, much too fast, almost always because the other person wanted it that way.
and
2.) Never feel right about it, but let it drag on for far too long.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!!!
Ahem. So that’s why I’m kinda gun-shy now. I like this guy a lot. I mean, how can I NOT like someone who provided me with the following phone conversation tonight:
Me: So what have you been up to? I’m making pita bread pizza.
Him: Recombining DNA in the lab at Vanderbilt.
What can I say… that’s the kind of thing that floats my boat. I do get the feeling, though, that if this continues he will likely want to be more serious-- faster-- than I will. I do want to spend time with him, and to be honest… coughcough… things will probably progress rather soon, if you know what I mean, and I THINK you do. But… I’m not ready to be serious right now! HOW does one handle that? I’ve been spectacularly bad at doing it in the past.
I have lots of experience in this area but luckily get away with beig very charming, young and a guy.
Simply put I make sure that when i get “ivolved” with a girl, they know that im not in it for anything serious, I am in it to have fun. I have no problem attracting women but have lots of difficulty staying attracted to one woman.
Basic idea is make sure they know it isnt serious, if your in it just for companionship let them know, if they are in it for a full blown relationship, the best advice is get out of it, thats how stalkers are made, i had a paricularly nasty incedent with one such situation, that i wont go into, because the thought of my car being so damaged hurts.
The way it usually goes down is this.
At bar drinking with friends, meet girl, talk (rarely buy drinks for them, seems to desperate, and sets a dangerous precedent :D)
Let girl no im interested, get phone number, continue nightout with boys.
Call girl following day arrange date, have drinks, le them know im only in it for fun and that I have a few similar relationships
If its not cool with girl let them decide next course. Since its an early stage of relationship many of them are in it for fun as well, so if your cool with her doing the same to you then its all good.
If not well it was excillerating whilst it lasted.
This is actually how my fiance and I ended up together, we started more of a friendship with umm benefits, and then became mutually exclusive and now i havent been with another woman for 2 years.
The hardest part is making sure you would be ok with them sleeping with other people too or seeing other people too. If you arent but want to yourself then you have to end it because its unfair to the other person, but by the same token that might be enough to make you realise you care for them more than you realised.
At a point i realised i dint want to see anyone else and i wasnt comfortable with my fiance seeing other people anymore and we got to this point at the same time, and that was it.
I dont know if i just offloaded soemthing i neded to there or actually offered any advice, but i feel better
Been in the same boat as a few other posters here. Had two “friends with benefits” at once, as recently as this summer. One had multiple partners (but I was her first and the only one she regularly slept with per se–others were basically third-base buddies) and the other kinda-sorta was seeing this other guy and then that sort of faded away.
Both turned out to be more involved than I would have hoped. The one who had other partners, well, we were each others’ first, so I guess there were stronger ties. I missed her birthday party, she wanted to see me, we couldn’t hang out, etc. etc., things got nasty and she told me she never wanted to see me again. (We eventually started talking again, but I don’t know if it will really ever be the same.) The other one…I had never really found her all that attractive, really. After the second or third time we had sex, she said “what would you say if I told you I liked you better as a friend?” I freaked out a little, and suavely ( :rolleyes: ) got out of the situation by telling her I liked her too. Yeah, that one got pretty bad, but before it could really bite me in the ass I had to leave for Tucson and that pretty much informally cut it off. Pretty soon I had a GF and thusly a good reason to officially break sexual ties with the other girl.
Anyway, that’s another hijack, I guess, but just know…casual dating is easy to mess up. People get their emotions tied in more quickly than one would think. I have to repeat what’s been said again and again in this thread: don’t lie to yourself or your BFs/FWBs. It’s better, easier and overall less stressful to have to awkwardly say “Well, I’m not really sure I feel the same way…” than to live a lie. Sex is great, but it’s not worth getting caught in a whirlwind of confusion and emotional overinvolvement. And for the sake of everyone involved, if things get too involved, cut things off before it’s too late. If only I’d understood these things!
But I’m glad I experienced those things. That’s the only way anyone can really learn about stuff like this. Have a safe and fun trip.
I’ve been thinking about it some more, and I think the question actually may be more about how to avoid jumping into something that’s too serious, too fast. Maybe it’s actually a lot more about that than it’s really about dating other people at the same time. I have a miserably bad record with this issue. I did have the presence of mind to ask… well,let’s call him “Crispin” because I like that name… what he expected from me, or what he was looking for (on the most recent date. This was after seeing “Brown Bunny.” I really can’t recommend it. REALLY.) He said “A friend and a lover.” Sounds pretty good? Do y’all think?
It doesn’t matter what we think – or even what he thinks – what matters is what you think.
It sounds you don’t actually have another prospect in your life right now, you just don’t want to get too serious too fast with Crispin.
What would happen if you said to him, “I like you a lot, I enjoy your company – but I have a bad track record with relationships and I don’t want to move too fast with you. Are you okay with staying at the current level of intensity for a while while we see what happens?”
If you’re positive you can handle things if you start sleeping with him and decide later that’s not what you want – sleep with him. Otherwise, wait on that element in the relationship.
Gosh, that was awfully good advice. Unfortunately, the last part of it came just a tad bit too late. :smack: But, I still feel the same about things. So there you go. I think the main problem, really, is that if he could have anything he wanted right now, he’d probably be dating someone who would be ready to get married in about six months and then have two kids and stay home with them. Now, I’m one of the last people on the PLANET who should be tapped for that role. It’s funny how talking about this entire thing (to a lot of RL friends, as well) has made me realize that the issues aren’t quite what I thought they were initially.
I do get the feeling, though, that if this continues he will likely want to be more serious-- faster-- than I will. I do want to spend time with him, and to be honest… coughcough… things will probably progress rather soon, if you know what I mean, and I THINK you do. But… I’m not ready to be serious right now! HOW does one handle that? I’ve been spectacularly bad at doing it in the past.
