At what point should you tell the people you’re talking to that you’re talking to, um, several people? (now there’s the most awkwardly worded question ever.) If you start seeing one (or more of them) should you tell them you’re still chatting with people?
(Argh! Why didn’t I date when I was younger?! I shouldn’t have to ask strangers [if really awesome strangers] for protocol advice!)
If you’re just first-dating, etc, then you don’t owe them nothin’. I’d say after two or three “real dates” you probably shouldn’t be “seeing other people” - although there’s nothing wrong with going on hiatus with somebody. This is just my own personal opinion, though.
You have no obligation to tell anyone you’re talking to that you’re talking to anyone else. It’s not like you’re dating them already. You don’t need to keep it a big secret, either, though.
This isn’t a question with a bright-line rule for an answer. I think we can all agree that a bad time to reveal that you’re seeing other people is when he’s standing next to you at the altar. Equally, there’s very little wisdom in starting your first conversation, “Hi, it’s great to meet you, and I AM seeing other people, you know.” Between these two extremes is a wide gulf.
But if you want an opinion… I’d say by the third date, and before the first sex, you ought to work something into the conversation.
The worst misunderstandings are the unspoken ones.
Yeah. For me, all the guys I met during my online dating phase assumed I was meeting other people as well. You have no obligation to be exclusive until you’ve been on a few dates already.
Yeah, I’d like to agree with Bricker and add that you don’t have sex with somebody while you’ve still got a couple others on the online back burner.
IMHO, you have to bring it up in any of these circumstances, which ever comes first:
If none of the these conditions apply I’d say it’s fine keep quiet. But if a month or two goes by and you’re only seeing the guy for the occasional drink, most likely he is seeing other people too. If you’re cool with that then more power to you.
When it does come up I don’t think you have to get into specifics (‘Actually there is also a semi-pro soccer player who I’d like to get to know’), it just needs to be clear that you’re not ready to make them your one-and-only just yet.
Hell, you have no obligation to be exclusive, ever, unless you’ve said you will.
Exclusivity should *never * be assumed. If you have not explicitly agreed to exclusivity, assume that the relationship is not exclusive.
Yes.
And no.
As I said above, the worst misunderstandings are the unspoken ones.
If you’ve been dating someone for a year, and sleeping with him (or her), then it’s really not very useful to have him (or her!) come over unexpectedly one night, find you making out on the sofa with someone else, and hear, “Why are you upset? We never said we were exclusive!”
Obviously, the mandate to be clear in communication applies to both sides. But feelings don’t always follow the strict lines of obligation and logic. If there’s any chance that someone feels like you’re in an exclusive relationship with them, it’s wise to be clear with them. And of course if you feel you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone, it’s wise for you to make that understanding explicit, lest they look at you blankly from that sofa one day and ask why you’re so upset.
So, lets assume that everyone is a bimbo or mimbo…
We know how well that worked out for Jerry and friends…
I think another plan of attack might warranted …
Blll
Sort of a side question here:
When did the distinction between “dating” and “going steady” disappear?
It appears as though, back in the '50s, “dating” was not exclusive. When you and your girl/boyfriend became exclusive, then it was called “going steady”, and this was considered a desirable condition - indeed, it was the goal of most teenage girls to achieve this status.
By the time I got into the dating game, in the early '70s, it seemed that, if you went on more than one date with a person, it was assumed to be exclusive. Of course, if you went on three or more dates with the same person, you were assumed (usually correctly) to be sleeping together.
Perhaps, when sex became a pretty standard part of dating, the need for exclusivity increased?
I couldn’t disagree more.
If you’re doing the online dating thing, it should definitely be assumed that you are talking to other people, and that you may be getting to know, seeing, and sleeping, with other people as well.
You might not choose to conduct your own personal affairs this way, but it would be very foolish to assume that anyone else was following these rules.
As DianaG said, you have no obligation to be exclusive to anyone until you say that you will be. I do think Bricker makes a valid point, however, when he says that you should be clear about things, especially if the other party seems to expect exclusivity.
I think we can all agree to one answer for the OP: If you haven’t even met someone face-to-face yet, you definitely don’t have to worry about the fact that you’re talking to others.
Brother Cadafel–I’ve often thought about that as well, and I think that it’s really interesting that one of the things that the internet has wrought is a return to a more 50’s style of dating!!
I was reading an old advice column and was sort of shocked that a mother didn’t want her teenage daughter to go steady – I guess she thought that would lead to sex or marriage at a young age or something. I’ve never really known anyone to date several people at once, it seems so very Archie comic. I don’t doubt that AIDS has something to do with it (Of course, if you have a one-night stand, then yes, assume the person you’re sleeping with has and will sleep with other people. But if you’re actively trying to date someone in search of a relationship, it seems odd to juggle more than one partner after 2-3 dates. You should sort of know by then.)
I would say that if YOU feel like your involvement with ANY of these guys is more than casual, you should stop seeing the other guys. If you feel that one of the guys is starting to take you seriously but you aren’t ready to get serious with him, you should tell him you are seeing others. But you kind of have to feel out the situation.
It’s kind of a tricky thing, and I avoided the whole hassle when I was single by only ever dating one person at a time. Multiple people has it’s upsides, but I never wanted to work that hard. But until any of them become more than just talking, I won’t worry about any of it.
That being said, excusivity or non exclusivity shouldn’t be assumed.
Bricker is right in the below quote:
I have a good friend who is female who found out just how important it is to make sure these things are cleared up. When she and her boyfriend at the time started dating they had talks about it being non-exclusive. 2 years and change later when she finally started sleeping with someone else he got fairly (and IMO rightfully) pissed off since he had assumed that the whole non-exclusivity aspect of their relationship had changed over the course of that 2 years. But they never talked about it again, and she assumed that she was free to sleep with whoever she wanted, when she wanted, if she wanted. She just hadn’t met anyone else she was interested in before then.
Feelings were hurt all the way around. Those of us who were friends with them had to witness what was one of the ugliest and messiest breakups I have ever seen. And it could have been avoided if they had just kept talking to each other.
Communication is key.
What does not being exclusive have to do with being “a bimbo or a mimbo”?
Sheesh, now I feel all intimidated and stuff. Nah, not really. So the basic rule is: don’t be a jerk and use common sense? I can do that… more or less.
I’ve mentioned, in passing, to, um, I’ll just call him Jay that I’m talking to other guys from Soulgeek. Today, Ken said he was interested in getting together, thus prompting the question.
There’s no sex involved anywhere yet (I might be one of those ‘wait until marriage’ types, I’m playing it by ear) and I’ve only been out twice with Jay, but we email multiple times everyday (we both have really boring jobs). At nothing else, Ken will make it so I have something to do on the weekends (Jay takes care of his daughter so we can only get together during the week - which I consider a good sign. Kids come first.)
I’m kinda avoiding the term ‘dating’ so it doesn’t look like ‘going steady.’ Although I’m pretty sure my nomenclature is wacky.
That really is the question isn’t it? I’d like to see more discussion about this, so I will start a new thread about it.
In light of those details:
I’d say that you should meet Ken for a casual date, like a cup of coffee or something. Jay shouldn’t expect exclusivity at this point, especially if he knows you’re talking to other guys. And you shouldn’t pass up the opportunity to meet Ken based on a couple of dates with Jay. Remember–it’s just a cup of coffee!
After you’ve met Ken, if you don’t want to see him again, problem solved. If you do want to see him again, then you can think about how you want to handle the situation.
There’s nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time. It’s fun! As long as nobody is being misled, you can sit back and enjoy being the belle of the ball for a time.
(And don’t forget that Ken and Jay might not really want to be exclusive with you, either at this point. So it could all be for the best.)
Yeah, that was about the plan. I just didn’t know what guys usually assume, seeing as I’m a chick and I’ve never dated. And I rarely can read minds anyway.