Dating Exclusivity

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yay! Another random relationship poll for the Dopers. :stuck_out_tongue:

My question here is a pretty simple one, because I haven’t done a lot dating in the past, I’m not sure what’s SOP here.

When dating, do you tend to actively date multiple people at the same time, or focus on one person at a time? By that I mean, dating a single person up until it appears that it won’t work out, and THEN look for someone new, or be continually in “looking” mode?

If you do the former, than at what point in a relationship do you sever the other possibilities? How do you gauge “seriousness”?

These are things I haven’t really had to deal with before, so I’m looking for some perspective. Though I will say that I’d rather have this problem, than a lack of options. :smiley:

2

Makes you miss the days of high school dating where it was as simple as deciding to “go steady”, huh?

I’ve always stuck to the playing the field method. As long I’m not openly committed to someone else, I’m essentially fair game.

My Rules:

  1. There Are No Unspoken Commitments. Until such a time as both parties verbally confirm there is exclusivity, the assumption should be made that there are other parties in play.
  2. No Sleeping Around. If Tab A goes into Slot B, both parties will refrain from engaging in naked time or other R-rated activities with any other parties. Both parties may continue to engage in PG-rated activities with others, if desired.
  3. All parties are aware of Rules 1 and 2 from the get-go.

So far, it’s worked out pretty well for me, but then again, I’m not really much for jealousy/possessiveness. I usually know it’s time to make a commitment once I do start getting twinges of jealousy (sure sign that it’s serious) or once I have absolutely no interest in anyone except one specific person (also sure sign that it’s serious - I literally lose all interest in the opposite sex when in love… the flipside being that it’s a sure sign things aren’t going well if I suddenly get googly-eyed over someone who isn’t my SO).

3

[QUOTE=Dunawake]
When dating, do you tend to actively date multiple people at the same time, or focus on one person at a time? By that I mean, dating a single person up until it appears that it won’t work out, and THEN look for someone new, or be continually in “looking” mode?

[/QUOTE]

I think of it from the perspective of how I would like to be treated.

If I like somebody enough to date them, I wouldn’t want them dating other people – it would make me feel bad and I don’t think it’s fair.

So, using that example, I usually focus completely on the woman I’m dating at the moment (whether that be first or 50th date). If I feel that it’s not going anywhere (casual dating is out of the question for me – serial monogamist here), then I’ll end it and find someone more receptive to my version of reality and my nice green sky.

4

[QUOTE=dmatsch]
I think of it from the perspective of how I would like to be treated.

If I like somebody enough to date them, I wouldn’t want them dating other people – it would make me feel bad and I don’t think it’s fair.

So, using that example, I usually focus completely on the woman I’m dating at the moment (whether that be first or 50th date). If I feel that it’s not going anywhere (casual dating is out of the question for me – serial monogamist here), then I’ll end it and find someone more receptive to my version of reality and my nice green sky.
[/QUOTE]

That makes sense to me. My only question is that I know you focus on one person at a time, but do you expect them to behave in the same manner? My concern with that angle is that it seems like you’d have a high chance of scaring off potentially good mates by basically requiring commitment from day one. Do you discuss the exclusivity thing early on when meeting someone?

I definitely agree that casual dating seems like a waste of time to me. Expending time, money, and emotional investment for something that is tacitly understood to be temporary seems silly to me.

5

[QUOTE=Dunawake]
That makes sense to me. My only question is that I know you focus on one person at a time, but do you expect them to behave in the same manner? My concern with that angle is that it seems like you’d have a high chance of scaring off potentially good mates by basically requiring commitment from day one. Do you discuss the exclusivity thing early on when meeting someone?

I definitely agree that casual dating seems like a waste of time to me. Expending time, money, and emotional investment for something that is tacitly understood to be temporary seems silly to me.
[/QUOTE]

This is something that needs to be addressed from the earliest possible opportunity to do so, but I don’t *expect *them to conform to my opinions.
And you have to word it carefully – avoiding the terms “commitment” and “exclusivity” as it’s not that – yet. I word it as a simile to “treat others as you would like them to treat you.”

If I meet someone who doesn’t share this aspect of me (or at least respect it), then I really don’t want to date them anyway. Go sow your oats, and when you want to settle down with one great person (be it for a month or a decade), come see me again.

Isn’t that the point of dating? To find a person with whom to spend time?

Otherwise aren’t they just friends? Do you really want to date a person who’s also dating other people? Doesn’t that make you feel like a fool? Do you really want to sleep with a person who’s potentially banging other people? Or even worse, “leading on” other people?

Don’t think for one minute that if the person you’re casually dating found someone else who they DO want to be exclusive with that they wouldn’t jump on that (so to speak) in a heartbeat’s notice. If they’re waffling about this with you, then you’re not THAT one.

I dated (if you could call it that) a fellow doper for a short while and all the time we were dating, she kept saying that she was not ready for exclusivity at that point in her life. I stopped talking to her, and what do I find out? Three months later she now has a boyfriend.

This attitude might scare away some potential mates, however it also scares away more than it’s fair share of potential heartbreaks.

I’d rather be lonely than unhappy and uncertain.

But again this is the way I feel. YMMV. My sky is green.

6

Tk +1

7

[QUOTE=dmatsch]
Tk +1
[/QUOTE]

:confused:

8

Thread killer. I get one point for killing the thread.

Really, re-reading what I wrote kind of makes me sound like an opinionated ass, and I really didn’t mean it in that way.

I’m really a nice guy. Really. It’s just that I’ve been hurt so many times playing “the game” that I shy away from someone who obviously didn’t sleep through Dating 101 class.

9

My now husband and I started dating in 2002 (after three years of me refusing to go out with him), and had the conversation about any expectations.

He teed it up by saying he wanted to continue dating around. I said that was fine, and there’d be no sex because I wasn’t interested in juice swapping. He was ok with that–well actually his face fell, but he said he was ok with that. A few weeks later he told me he wasn’t going to find out what he needed to know about us if he was dating other women.

I laughed myself silly on the inside–of course he wasn’t! No worries, he dated me exclusively and the rest is history.

Edited to add: you’re no thread killer :stuck_out_tongue:

10

I always thought casual dating was “I’m going to go on dates with several people (not at once obviously) over the next weeks and see if anyone clicks, if anyone does then the others are out.”

I’m not making plans because I expect the first one to fail, I’m just not going to block off the others before the first date is done since there might not even be a second (and if things go really well, then the other guy will get told sorry). Of course I’ve never had so many guys after me for dates at once that I’ve had to put this into action.

I expect that the guy might be seeing other people on the first or second date, but if we start seeing each other regularly then I don’t go looking elsewhere and expect the same of him.

With me, when that commitment is made, it’s made be it for a month or a year or more. Even in my more casual encounters I’m that way (for example when I took a lover recently, I was monogamous to him even though I knew it was nothing more than a sexual thing… when I started having serious conversations with someone else I broke it off).

What ticks me off are the people who use ‘casually dating’ to mean basically ‘I’m going to date several people at once, it’s not serious so it’s okay.’ No, if you’ve gotten past the first few dates and are seeing someone regularly outside of friendship mode it’s not casual, it’s dating and as such it should be exclusive (unless by mutual agreement not).

11

I think that this thread (not to kidnap the OP) marks an auspicious occasion for me:

Someone on this board actually agreed with me.

Flutterby and Contrary: I thank you.
PS: Contrary – the bonus point has been removed from my Master Score. Now I won’t be getting the toaster, dammit.

12

[QUOTE=dmatsch]
I think that this thread (not to kidnap the OP) marks an auspicious occasion for me:

Someone on this board actually agreed with me.

Flutterby and Contrary: I thank you.
[/QUOTE]

:dubious:

I’m still wondering where Flutterby’s answer and mine are different.

But we’ll agree to disagree on that point as well, I guess.

13

My opinion now, or in the past?

In the past, I would date several women at once, then hook into one exclusively pretty quickly. Wanting to get into a sexual situation quickly meant that I sometimes made unwise choices.

These days, I’m trying something different. I don’t date. I have get-togethers with friends. If said friends want to swap spit, that’s OK. If they want to swap genital juice, that’s not. (OK, maybe just this once.) I encourage them to date other guys. Really, I’m not the jealous type. But in the meantime, I’ll have other friends as well.

If something amazing emerges from this, then great.

14

I think I asked this is another thread once. For me relationships go as follows:

  1. Seeing the person - this means going out on a social date like to a movie or the zoo. It’s not really a romantic date, but more of a get-to-know-you date wherein you determine whether or not you would like to actually develop a more romantic relationship or stick with “being friends”. We may go on several of these innocent yet optimistic dates as we explore our compatibility. The dates end with a peck on the cheek or a no-tongue kiss. During this period I may “see” other people.

  2. Dating the person - this means we’ve moved on to romantic dates and making out instead of watching the DVD we rented. Exclusivity has not been discussed but is implied and is important enough at this point that somewhere along the line there is the inevitable discussion about whether or not we’re still “seeing” other people. Then the rules get fine tuned a bit more.

  3. I call you “my girlfriend” - at that point it’s definitely monogamous. We are a more serious couple. People say “Oh, they’re ‘together’…” and use terms such as “significant other” rather than “bring a date”.

  4. Engagement - We’ve been “together” for awhile, time to take the plunge.

15

[QUOTE=Flutterby]
What ticks me off are the people who use ‘casually dating’ to mean basically ‘I’m going to date several people at once, it’s not serious so it’s okay.’ No, if you’ve gotten past the first few dates and are seeing someone regularly outside of friendship mode it’s not casual, it’s dating and as such it should be exclusive (unless by mutual agreement not).
[/QUOTE]

Nonsense. You don’t get to define “casual dating” for anyone but you. The people involved get to define it, by mutual agreement. Just because you feel that you can’t date someone “casually” for more than three dates doesn’t mean the world agrees, and they don’t have to, as long as they don’t want to date you.

I *do * date several people at once, often for months at a time, and it’s *not * serious, so it *is * okay. For me. Exclusivity is not *everyone’s * goal. And “dating” is a broad enough term to encompass both of our agendas.

16

[QUOTE=DianaG]
Nonsense. You don’t get to define “casual dating” for anyone but you. The people involved get to define it, by mutual agreement. Just because you feel that you can’t date someone “casually” for more than three dates doesn’t mean the world agrees, and they don’t have to, as long as they don’t want to date you.
[/QUOTE]

If it works for you, great. It does work for people, and in fact I don’t want exclusivity (which is why I am single and going on dates from time to time).

I was just thinking of the guy I was seeing where it was pretty exclusive on my part (and I thought I’d made that pretty clear but I guess not well enough) only to find that he was swapping spit and other bodily fluids with 4 other women, when I was typing that.

17

[QUOTE=Flutterby]
I was just thinking of the guy I was seeing where it was pretty exclusive on my part (and I thought I’d made that pretty clear but I guess not well enough) only to find that he was swapping spit and other bodily fluids with 4 other women, when I was typing that.
[/QUOTE]

Thus bringing us to my First Rule of Friends-With-Benefits…

The fact that we are not dating does not take away your obligation to tell me if you’re sticking that thing into other girls so that I may decide if I want you to continue sticking it in me.

I hope you informed the other four women?

18

[QUOTE=Mahna Mahna]
I hope you informed the other four women?
[/QUOTE]

I didn’t know who they were, nor how to get hold of them, otherwise I would have. At least one was someone who lived out of the country and came up for regular visits (according to his roommate, who was the one that had told me about them after the fact and was confirmed by one other person).

19

Doesn’t it make more sense to just *assume * non-exclusivity unless exclusivity has been mutually and explicitly stated?

20

Well after the experience above, among others and a lot of growing up, I do assume non-exclusivity from them until mentioned by them, but on my part when I am seeing someone regularly, I am not actively looking or swapping spit elsewhere.

Doesn’t mean I won’t consider offers, but facebook shows it’s complicated and the dating sites show not looking.