Unless you are comfortable being physical with someone who is also being physical with other people, you should not get physical until you have a conversation with the other person about whether that physical relationship is exclusive. In fact, you shouldn’t be physical with someone unless you know whether or not they take that to be a sign of exclusivity.
That paragraph is complicated, but no more complicated than the scenarios it is intended to prevent.
Good luck!
Those were polite versions of the other extreme end slang terms such as sleeping around or whoring around or …
And don’t get me wrong…I am not some moral high horse kind of guy when it comes to “sleeping around”…either serially or in parallel with multiple partners.
But to say exclusivity should NOT be assumed if it is NOT explicity stated seems to me to be on the blatantly the wrong end of what you should assume spectrum.
Or in other words:
He/she didn’t SAY we were exclusive…so I’ll assume we AREN"T.
He/she didn’t SAY we were exclusive…So I’ll assume we ARE.
Now, for the vast majority of the time, which one of those two assumptions will lead to a world of doo doo in many cases when the assumption is WRONG?
The best plan of action is to never assume anything. The next best one is to make the assumption least likely to be wrong and/or have the “less worse” consequences if it is.
Unless of course you don’t want to give up on your god given right of the possibility of getting some on the side while you still technically can.
for what thats worth
blll
What ‘technically’? If exclusivity has not been agreed to, it can not be assumed, and everyone is free to do what they want, including ask for exclusivity.
And if “NON exclusivity” has not been agreed to, it can not be assumed…or in other words, if you dont have permission to play the field, you can’t assume that you do…thats the exact same darn logic being used in regards to assumptions that you are using.
Your formula may be liberating…but it sure as heck sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
Blll
That’s absurd. Non-exclusivity is assumed precisely because you can’t hold someone to a commitment they haven’t actually made.
I go out on a few dates with a guy and suddenly we need each other’s permission to see other people? No way. If you want a commitment, you’ve got to *ask * for it. Use your words, people.
I agree with DianaG. What I meant in my original post was that after a few dates, if you are still planning to see each other regularly in the future, it would probably be a good idea to bring up the idea of exclusivity. Not that it should be assumed.
Non-exclusivity is always the default, in my mind. Exclusivity is something that people agree to mutually. It shouldn’t be assumed.
Wow. This is left field logic to me. DianaG’s rules are exactly the set of rules I’ve always played with. Why would one assume a commitment to another person when no commitment has been made? 
And as to the OP, you don’t have to tell anyone anything, but if you feel there may be cause for misunderstanding, or you feel someone may be getting a little more attached than you’re comfortable with, it may be good to clarify the situation. Just use your common sense.
So do wifes. I’m just saying.
Either I’m old-fashioned or it’s my non-US upbringing, but if I was seeing someone regularly and having sex with them, I wouldn’t be having sex with other people, and I would be expecting the same from them. For me that would be default assumption and any other situation would imply special arrangements.
It would not be an unreasonable assumption at all, but it would still be an assumption to a commitment that has not been explicitly made. With the wide range of backgrounds and opinions on dating (as evidenced here), it’s better to ask to be sure. (But, yes, if you’ve been dating and sleeping together for months, I think most people would reasonably assume a level of exclusivity. But why assume?)
And that’s a completely reasonable expectation, but expectations are different than assumptions. If you’re seeing someone regularly and having sex with them, one would hope that you’re comfortable enough in the relationship to discuss your expectations.
I’m not arguing against exclusivity. I’m arguing against making the mistake of blindly assuming that everyone is on the same page.
Exactly
There’s also a difference between how you conduct your personal affairs and how others may choose to conduct theirs. Unless you have a good reason to think that they’re being exclusive, then you can’t assume that they’ve made that committment. And actually discussing it is the best way, as we’ve seen in some of the anecdotes from this thread.
Then again, I also feel that once a relationship has reached a certain level, it’s also a really good idea to make sure that you’re on the same page about NON-exclusivity as well! Again, the anecdotes in this thread demonstrate why. You may still want general non-exclusivity, or you may want to make “special arrangements,” but it’s best to be clear about such things.
Personal anecdote: I was seeing a guy regularly for the past few months, and sleeping with him, but I specifically told him from the beginning that I had no intention of being exclusive, and that I didn’t expect him to be either. No muss, no fuss. He wants to start things up again. I have mixed feelings about it, mainly because he’s really not that great in bed. But given the fact that he’s local, sane, doesn’t expect exclusivity, uses condoms, and is reasonably good company besides, I will probably start seeing him again while I shop around for a better deal. A lot of you might be uncomfortable with this type of arrangement. I’m not.
:dubious: What the - ? He’s divorced.
I’m amused by how this thread has gone from casual dating to is it okay to sleep with two people (which I wouldn’t do - but wasn’t the question.)
I think **Frank’s ** just implying that it’s always good to be really, really sure. And when you’re dealing with a guy you just met who isn’t available on weekends and whose place you haven’t seen, you’re not really that sure.
I’m not trying to rain on your parade, I’m just pointing out that you don’t really know much about this guy, and before you start worrying about whether or not it’s okay to see other people, you should probably be more sure about who this guy is.
Of course it is not wrong for a person to be sleeping with two people at once if no arrangements of exclusivity had been made. However, if I were dating a person and we were sleeping together, and she also thought it was OK to have sex with other people, then I would hope that if I asked her something like “what did you do last week-end” she would feel that it’s OK to tell me “Nothing much, I went to the theatre with OtherGuy and we spent the night together.”
Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid until some of my friends and family meet him. I’d like to think I can tell who’s skeevy and who isn’t, but it’s always best to get second opinions. Besides, he hasn’t seen my place yet either. And I know where he works.
Oh, it’s not a matter of “doing anything stupid” like sleeping with him or whatever. It’s a matter of making sure you don’t get your hopes up until you’re absolutely sure he’s on the level.
I’ve dated two guys where after a while, I had to admit that something was kinda fishy. I never got confirmation that they were actually married (or whatever) but something was not right. They definitely didn’t seem skeevy at all. That’s why it took me a while to figure out. It wasn’t any big heartbreak to dump either of them, as the relationships were casual, but I can see how someone could get badly hurt by that sort of thing.
And as far as this comment:
The reason that it went in that direction is because talking to a potential date online and sleeping with someone do exist on the same continuum. Some people may put “marriage” before “sex.” Others may put “sex” before “deciding to be exclusive.” Doesn’t matter. It’s all relevant to the question at hand.
I think there are two conclusions that we can draw:
It’s just they’re on different ends of the continuum, y’know? Or maybe it’s just me. I just find it amusing how threads will change direction.
I’m not going to pin my hopes on the first guy I date (which I would put in the category of stupid). I’m just having fun and building experience (… that sounds cold, but…)
It’s not cold. It’s realistic. And very very smart. 
Oh, and please do keep us informed about what happens with Jay and Ken (and Fred and Charlie and Mike, you vixen you!)