So I’m a middle-aged guy, single (widowed) for a mere 8 months, and using eHarmony to try to get back into the dating world. My previous experience as a single guy is very limited and very out of date.
After a shaky start, this online dating thing is working out very well…almost too well. I’ve had 3 first dates in the past 2 weeks, all of which went great and all will lead to future dates. Plus I have another face to face meeting lined up for this week, and #5 and #6 on the books for later.
I don’t want to be a player (playa?); I just want to meet charming intelligent attractive women, have a good time for a while, and settle into a lasting meaningful relationship with one. But it occurs to me that somebody might get hurt.
My question: we’re all experienced; we’ve all been around the block a few times. Should I assume the women I’m with know the score? And that things will work themselves out naturally?
Or should I, on like a 2nd date, bring it up and say…“uh, hey, you know I’m seeing other people, right?” which might make me sound like an arrogant jackass?
Just be honest up front with them, before you even get on the first date. Tell them you’re interested in something long term, but don’t want to rush into that right away with any one person. But also remember that you’re not 17 anymore and unless you want to be playing the field until you’re 70, you’ll have to focus in pretty quickly, if you’re really looking for something longer term. Good luck.
I don’t think you need to worry about it right away; I think most people understand that online dating means communicating with many people, and going on meet-and-greets with many people. Once you start actually dating someone, though, you’ll probably want to have some kind of understanding with the woman you start dating, that you tell her you want to be exclusive with each other.
For instance: yesterday I met #3 for lunch, our first meeting. Had a great time and we immediately made plans for a follow-up. Later in the evening, I had an email from #1 and a phone call from #2, both of whom said “so how was your day? do anything interesting?” Well, yeah, I sure did…but to mention it seems hurtful, and to leave it out seems like a lie.
You don’t owe complete honesty to someone you’ve been on one date with. You are all grown people, who should know that one date does not a monogamous relationship make.
As an aside…while working out the logistics for meeting #5 and #6, both independently suggested the same landmark (an historic site) in my home town (a road trip for both of them).
My son said it sounded like the setup for a sitcom episode.
I did this when I dove back into the dating pool again last year. It seemed to be an unspoken understanding that both me and my dates were meeting multiple people when it was still at that first couple dates stage. For awhile, when talking to friends about my dates I was referring to them as “bachelor number 1” and “bachelor number 2.” After my second date with my SO, though, I cut it off with everyone else. I knew we were going to become serious pretty early on, so I acted accordingly.
I didn’t tell any of them I was dating anyone else, though. What would have been the point? None of us were serious at that point, we were all just getting to know each other.
Yea, I never told them about dating other people. The most difficult piece is remembering what you already talked about with each date so you wouldn’t repeat yourself or confuse pieces of information about a different date.
It overall wasn’t a problem, since people are forgetful about facts and stuff at the beginning of a relationship.
I was always real quick with judgements about dates though, and if there were any doubts they wouldn’t make it to a second date. There were always plenty of others.
Juggling multiple partners will be a bit easier if you aren’t screwing them. If you’re just spending time with the ladies & kissing them goodnight at the door, they have no right to demand exclusivity. (Not that they need to be reminded they are being “juggled.”)
When you start having sex, you should let them know your intentions. Even if it’s just “friends with benefits”–be honest.
Oh–even if the ladies are beyond childbearing years–use protection. After all, we can juggle, too!
It might help you to remember that meeting someone from online isn’t actually a date; it’s just a face-to-face eyeballing, to see if there actually is any compatibility. As for not telling them about each other, I understand what you’re saying about it feeling like lying to not tell them, but as others have said as well, they’d have to be pretty naive to not understand that you’re meeting multiple people, just like they are. I’d say it’s a pretty good example of a true, “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation.
If it makes you feel better, you could say something like, “I met someone for lunch. And how was your day?” It might even help you decide if a woman is someone you actually do want to date - if she gets all jealous at hearing that you went for lunch with someone and demands details, you’d know that she’s a write-off. I think maybe you need to get it straight in your own head - you don’t need to feel guilty about anything, because you aren’t doing anything wrong.
I am inclined to think that “I went for a walk in the park and looked at the spring flowers” or “went to Movie X” is more interesting and more likely to develop a conversation than “Great Day, thanks” but also agree that you don’t need to make a big deal about the “with your potential competition” bit.
Also, I think if the women in question know that you’ve been widowed for only 8 months, they are likely to understand that you might not want to throw yourself headlong into another long-term serious relationship just yet. Just be honest with everyone.
Communicate honestly and openly … but you don’t have to share every last detail of every last item. (Unless directly asked.) The “I had a great day, thanks! How 'bout you?” suggestion upthread is a perfect example.
Things work themselves out best when you, y’know, use words. It’s almost never some magical, hidden process. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong about seeing more than one person at the same time as long as you’re not deceiving anyone or outright lying.
Thanks to everyone for the replies. I think during the eH and email phase I’ve stated what I’m looking for, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that gets forgotten during the rush of the initial successful meeting, when little cartoon hearts are popping up over each others’ heads.
Just curious … do you really think dating six women at once is the best way to settle down into a meaningful relationship? When I was in your situation a few months ago, I couldn’t handle that many men. After setting up dates with four or five different men, I just started canceling dates and rejecting invitations. It was too overwhelming, although maybe you’re made of stronger stuff than I.
For what it’s worth, I did end up settling into a steady relationship with one of the men I met. It didn’t work out, but I don’t regret my decision to reject/cancel dates. A few guys at once is fine, but five or six is just too many for me.
Actually, I do feel a bit overwhelmed (and under-funded). But I thought if I accepted 6 dates, then 2 might lead to 2nd dates, and 1 might become a LTMR. I apparently underestimated my charm.
Just got an email from #3, spontaneously suggesting a get-together tonight. It looks like I have #3 tonight, first meeting with #4 (dinner) tomorrow, 2nd date with #2 (dinner) on Thursday. Friday off. Possible lunch with #3 Saturday, 2nd date (dinner) with #1 on Saturday night, and then lunch (first meeting) with #5 on Sunday.
