How many dates/how much time is a reasonable amount of time to get to know each other before you become a “couple” or agree to be exclusive?
I met an interesting man through Match; we’ve had three dates so far. He’s already referring to himself as my “boyfriend” and has taken down his Match profile (I didn’t ask him to do this). He mentioned that I am not particularly affectionate; but we’ve only had three dates! I hardly know him. I mean, I like him, enjoy his company, and I’m interested in seeing if anything develops; I don’t necessarily want to dampen his enthusiasm for me, but I feel like he’s 10 steps ahead of me after a week.
Am I too slow, or is he too fast? How long did it take you all to know that “this one is THE ONE”?
I had a guy ask me on our second date if he should take down his Match profile. I didn’t really know how to answer either. On one hand, I did like him and wanted to get to know him better. But what if after a couple more dates we didn’t hit it off as well? I told him I wasn’t looking for anything really serious at the moment, but you never know what might happen. I am a fan of taking it slow, at least slower than two or three dates anyway!
I think it’s kind of impossible to answer this question because it will (obviously, and I’m sure you know this) vary wildly among people. What I’m saying is, he is not too fast and you are not too slow. You guys might not be in sync, but neither of you is “wrong”.
If you’re not comfortable offering exclusivity, be upfront about that. If you don’t mind being exclusive but have some other aspect that bothers you (perhaps the “girlfriend” title, or whatever), let him know. You could probably say this bit “I mean, I like him, enjoy his company, and I’m interested in seeing if anything develops; I don’t necessarily want to dampen his enthusiasm for me, but I feel like he’s 10 steps ahead of me after a week.” just about verbatim and that would work. Just be honest with him and it should be fine. If it’s not, he’s a d-bag and you’re probably better off without him.
He didn’t ask me to take down my profile, and I haven’t. The funny thing is, I signed up for 6 months on Match; they have a guarantee that if you don’t find someone in six months, you get the next six months free! But you have to 1) keep your profile active; 2) post a picture; and 3) email at least five people per month. I only joined three weeks ago. I don’t want to take my profile down now, and then date this guy for two months, have it end, and then be “out” my free six months.
So, FrancisCastle, how long did you date the guy who wanted to take down his profile after two dates?
It depends. The fastest was probably my current relationship, where we were basically a couple after our first date. It doesn’t usually happen that way, though; we just clicked really well and felt like we’d known each other for years.
I think this is one of those times to invest in some serious communication (actually, sort of light-hearted communication) - next time the subject comes up, say something like, “Whoa, big fella, I’ve known you a week. Let’s just take it as it comes for a little while, okay?” It’s not a problem if he’s head-over-heels for you; it’s only a problem if he scares you off by too much too soon. It doesn’t matter what other people’s timelines are; all that matters are yours and his.
For the record, my husband and I knew pretty soon after meeting that we would be married - we just clicked, too.
If you’re asking this question here, then you already know the answer:
not the one.
I’m a guy, and what he’s doing is definitely in the “creepy” range way too early. I had to re-read your OP to make sure it didn’t say “three weeks” and not “three dates”.
Repeat this to yourself: three dates?
Even the best of relationships while you both feel that you’re “boyfriend and girlfriend” don’t make that verbal until after a while. Certainly NOT three dates. People above have said, “we just knew after the [first couple of] dates”. Yes, but when did they actually verbally say, “I’m her boyfriend” to others. It was certainly NOT after 3 dates.
It’s clear that you two have a massive gap on your feelings for each other. Put a fork in him, he’s done…and your worried about losing your next 6 free months on match.com.
Just because he’s taken down his Match profile doesn’t mean you have to take down yours. I agree: tell him lightly but straight-up what you’ve told us here. His response will tell you what you need to know (clingy creep vs. affectionate, or whatever).
In fact, you can pretty much just quote yourself:
Him: (mushy romantic stuff where he calls you his “girlfriend”)
You: Woah, buddy. Slow down a second. I mean, I like you, I enjoy your company, and I’m interested in seeing if anything develops. I don’t want to dampen your enthusiasm for me, but I feel like you’re 10 steps ahead of me, after just a week.
Him: (remains to be seen)
My husband and I were pretty much sealed and cemented after our fourth date (which was actually a long, steamy weekend)… but then, we both felt the same way at that point, very attached and completely uninterested in pursuing something else.
We didn’t know it at the time, but after our first date my wife and I were exclusive. We didn’t do so intentionally, it just happened that way. After a couple of months we decided to get married, and did so ten months after that first date. Concidentally, that date was 41 years ago this Saturday (15th).
More information than necessary but I’m feeling sentimental this evening. After a week of nervousness, our closest friend has just learned that he does not have cancer.
TreacherousCretin, your post made me smile. I am glad your friend is healthy, and I hope someday in twenty years or so I am talking about The Husman in the same way.
Thanks for the grin!
sorry: edit to add, because I did not answer the OP…I think that what you said to us (“I mean, I like him, enjoy his company, and I’m interested in seeing if anything develops; I don’t necessarily want to dampen his enthusiasm for me, but I feel like he’s 10 steps ahead of me after a week.”) is perfect. His response to it will be your answer.
Marriedbro claims he knew he wanted to spend his life with her half an hour after meeting his now-wife; their friends considered them a couple several for weeks before she admitted that she might like him a bit (he and his BFF would arrange to meet her and her friends, by the time they went on an outing just the two of them they were already “official”). He is sincere; so was she.
You don’t need to be on the same page, so long as you’re able to work towards getting on it. If you say “slow down” and he says “butIloveyousomuchhowcanIslowdown”… better luck with the next guy!
I am wary. I asked him about this, I said that I didn’t want to dampen his enthusiasm, but I wasn’t sure if he was enthusiastic because someone he was attracted to had lasted more than two dates, or if was ME in particular. I mean, I know I’m fabulous but he hasn’t known me long enough to know that. I could be anyone at this point. He said, “Well, I know that you’re intelligent and funny; I don’t need six months to find that out. And I already know you’re very attractive, that will be the same in six months. I already know that enjoy talking to you and I want to get to know you better…so yeah, it’s you in particular.”
He mentioned last night on the phone that he was not planning to date anyone else while he’s getting to know me, because he wants to see where this goes. But I am new to dating again, and I’m not sure of the difference between “I’m not dating anyone else because I’m not interested in anyone else but you” and “I’m not dating anyone else because there’s no one else around at the moment.”
I also find him interesting and intelligent, very sweet and thoughtful…but of course, anyone can maintain a facade for a short period of time. I’m interested in getting to know him better, but I’m not wanting to commit to being exclusive just yet. And to me, “not exclusive” means “no sex yet”.
but he hasn’t known me long enough to know that. I could be anyone at this point. He said, “Well, I know that you’re intelligent and funny; I don’t need six months to find that out. And I already know you’re very attractive, that will be the same in six months. I already know that enjoy talking to you and I want to get to know you better…so yeah, it’s you in particular.”