Etiquette Question: Thank You for Flowers

In My Humble Opinion
1

A close friend had major surgery just before Christmas. Two other people and I went in on flowers that were sent to the hospital.

The other two people are not as close to this person as I am, but still care about her (they are ex-inlaws). I talk to this person a couple times each week.

I called the patient while she was in the hospital to see how she was feeling. She thanked me for the flowers and told me to pass the thanks on to the other two, which I did. She was waaaaaay buzzed out on pain meds for a few days and went through a couple weeks of convalescing which also included massive drugs.

This person is now up and around, is able to leave the house, enjoy a cocktail, drive, etc.

The other two people brought it to my attention that they’re miffed with her because she didn’t call them directly or send a card. One of those people told me to let the patient know that while she doesn’t expect anything, her mother does. She asked me to mention it to the patient.

I vascillated between letting it go and telling her, but I decided to tell her just in case the other person mentioned it, so it wouldn’t look like I set her up for an ambush.

The patient was noticeably upset that I said something, but she said where she came from, you don’t send a note to acknowledge illness flowers; the person is sick and drug-addled and such, and since she passed on a verbal thank-you through me, she felt she’d fulfilled her obligation. She also said she would send cards or call “soon.”

Okay…I’m aware of the rule that calling someone on their rudeness is rude in itself, though that’s not how I viewed my role in it. I felt it was more of a heads-up for her, since normally she’s good about these things and I figured with the drugs and being so sick, it simply slipped her mind.

Question 1: Was I wrong to bring it up? I’m feeling pretty bad about embarrassing/stressing her on this issue, even though that was not my intention.

Question 2: Should she have sent a card or called them herself, or do sick people get a reprieve from this social obligation.

Anyone?

2

Q1 - I would not have brought it up unless I knew or had a good idea how she would take it. Was there a telling need to bring it up, as side from giving her a headsup?

Q2 - she should have acknowledged the flowers directly to them.

3

She’s my best friend. I figured she would say “thank you for reminding me…by the time the drug-induced stupor lifted, I’d completely forgotten.” Also, we are due to see one of these other people in the next few weeks. She only sees her once or twice a year, so I was hoping to save her some embarrassment. So much for that!

I agree about the direct acknowledgement, but I also understand the “very sick” thing. Therein lies the quandry. I would have acknowledged directly.

4

She’s your best friend so she’ll get over it. And like you said she was doped up…it happens…

5

Being sick does not give you a pass on courtesy. It may mean you can wait until you are well, but you should still be courteous.

6

Q1: I think you were right to tell her, as a heads-up. It would have made things even worse if you hadn’t said anything and the angry ex-inlaws then assumed she knew they were upset but wasn’t trying to make amends.

Q2: In my opinion, NO, sick people don’t owe anyone a thank you note (for the same reason I wouldn’t get upset if someone didn’t personally thank me for sending a casserole to their loved one’s funeral). A major illness/surgery is a time when you are entitled to be a bit self-centered, in my opinion.
If you give a gift, you should be doing it because you want to give it not because of what you expect to get in return. If I cared about someone enough to send flowers to their hospital room, I’d consider it enough of a “thanks” to know the flowers brightened their day.
Maybe I should tell people that I know to not send me anything if I end up in the hospital, because I’d rather not be bothered with having to fill out thank you cards when I’m trying to get better. :rolleyes:

7

Now see…I can understand this thinking as well. I’m so confused!

8

I dunno about whether you should have told her or not…if it were me I would have told my best friend AND expected him to laugh it off. It’s between you and your friend as to why she is mad at you.

As for requiring a personal acknowledgment of a gift in this situation - that’s bullshit. The ex-inlaws shouldn’t feel victimized. It was COMPLETELY sufficient for her to thank them through you.

You got a personal thank-you. Why? Because you called her. You followed up on your well-wishing because you cared. If the ex-inlaws cared about HER they’d give HER a call to see how she’s doing and not sit around and wait for her to call them. Them acting this ways shows that they were just fishing for a compliment.

9

While I believe that a thank-you note is called for in the case of gifts, I am NEVER going to look for one for sending flowers to a hospital or to a funeral.

VCNJ~

10

  1. I don’t think so. If it were me, I’d want a heads-up that someone was upset with me in that way, even if I didn’t feel I was wrong. I’d want to be able to deal with it in someway, not just be blindsided.

  2. I would not expect a call or not under the same circumstances. I’ve sent flowers to many funerals and taken many casseroles to sick people, or people with new babies, and I do not expect a thank you note from them or their families under any of those circumstances. I’m trying to be helpful, not trying to create more work for someone.

We recently received some meals and gifts during a stressful time. I tried to write notes for everything we received, because I was truly grateful, and because I didn’t want anyone to be offended. On a few of them, though, the givers wrote a little note on the card that said, roughly, “Please don’t write a thank you note. Relax instead.” It was a very gracious gesture, and a welcome break for me. I’ve started doing it myself, when it’s a similar situation.

11

  1. I think that the heads up was okay, since you were trying to spare her an embarassing situation, but I think do it was wrong of the co-gifters to expect you to chastize the giftee on their behalf. That’s not your responsibility.

  2. I think that flowers for illnesses and funerals should be given a pass. If you’re trying to recover (or mourn) you generally have other things on your mind than social obligations.

StG

12

I think that whoever sends flowers, expecting a thank-you card in return is as petty as they come and should be hospitalized themselves.

13

I go overboard on thank-you notes but I wouldn’t expect to get one for hospital flowers. She is recovering and should concentrate on that. If she is going to see them soon, she can thank them in person then.

Part of the reason for a thank-you note is to confirm that the gift was received, and she did that through you.

14

As her best friend, of course you gave her a head’s up that other people were getting all uptight about the thank you notes. As long as you didn’t seem like you were siding with them, but were just letting her know that she might get some bullshit flak from others, then you did the right thing.

I think the people who had a problem with her lack of acknowledgement need to get a grip on themselves. I wouldn’t expect a thank you note for that kind of thing.

15

  1. You did the right thing. Especially since you both are going to see the, um, victims, soon. You just know it’s going to come up, and you would have ended up with someone ticked off at you.

  2. Card? No (in fact, I’d probably consider that overkill). Call? Absolutely. Positively. Sorry to disagree with everyone here who says that sick people get a pass. There is absolutely no reason on this earth that the patient could not have picked up a phone and said “thanks for the flowers” at some point. If she can drive and have a cocktail, she can dial a phone.

Of course, instead of sticking you in the middle, they could have called the patient to see how she was doing thereby giving her the opportunity to say thank you without prompting from you.

16

I tend to agree with you on all these points. My friend is terminally disorganized. She’s working with a counselor on this :rolleyes: (I find it easier to just grit my teeth and “do” whatever it is I’ve been avoiding, but she’s obviously not like that). If the circumstances were anything other than severe illness, I’d be off on a rant about her, but with her being so sick, I tend to cut her some slack, even though I know the situation would be the same if she wasn’t ill. I resent the hell out of being put in the middle, though.