I usually roll with whatever I get called. The only time I get douchy and refuse to respond is when someone tries to call me Mrs. Husband’s Name.
Case in point…
I really don’t think this is an American-specific trait. I’ve noticed a particularity for names from people of other cultures, too. I’ve definitely seen posts here on the Dope complaining about how Americans can’t get Spanish names right, or that “Jose” is not pronounced with a diphthong “AY” at the end, but with a pure vowel “eh,” (actually /e/ in IPA) etc.
I do give people a break. If someone says they are not going to even attempt to say my name, I take it as a courtesy, not as an insult. If someone is hesitant about the pronunciation, I give the the right pronunciation gently because they’ve shown they care about getting it right. But when someone very confidently takes my fairly short, 2-syllable name and turns it into a word with 3 or 4 syllables, I can’t help but be baffled that that’s what they came up with.
I have no issue whatsoever getting “corrected” on someone’s name, whether it be spelling or pronunciation. In most cases, the person did not choose their name. It was most likely a parent carrying on a tradition or perhaps wanting to be all fancy.
I work in a call centre where our computer data base has people listed by their “legal” names and if we find that someone isn’t listed by their legal names we’re supposed to correct it. However we will find that some HATE their “real” names and want to be called by a nick name (Gertrude insists on being “Trudy”) or shortened version and that can be very hard to keep track of mentally on the fly or to remember for repeat callers. What annoys me is those that don’t like their real names.
Yeah. That’s another thing that shouldn’t be a deal. What’s to hate? We live in a technological society that requires consistency in databases. If you have a preference in one on one situations yeah specify, but if someone is reading off a list, Just roll with it, for heaven’s sake.
There are two letters in my last name which are commonly transposed and, unless it is something official or would cause issues later, I just let it go.
Fortunately there is a famous actor who shares my last name so I usually refer to them… ‘Streep, like the actress Meryl Streep’, ‘oh, ok, thanks’. And if they still get it wrong, see the paragraph above.
‘What is your name?’
‘Butch.’
‘What does it mean?’
‘I’m American, honey. Our names don’t mean shit.’
My name is the most common spelling of that name. However, the one vowel sound in it is spelled differently in Afrikaans, so native Afrikaans speakers almost invariably flip two letters around.
I generally don’t have to deal with this at work, since my contacts there are mostly foreign or English. But outside work, one person consistently misspells it, and has for 20+ years - my GP. On my prescriptions. I politely remind her every time, now, although the pharmacies don’t seem to give a fuck anyway.
Until computerization, my prescriptions were always wrong, in the vein of “Antonia” instead of “Antonio.” I just let it pass.
It’s only in school that I had to take action. On the first day, when every teacher called roll for the first time, and got to my name and said (usually out loud), “Oh, there seems to be a mis-spelling here. It must be Antonia. Antonia? Is there an Antonia?” Me: “No, it’s not a mis-spelling. Antonio is correct. Just call me Tony.”
Every class period, at the start of every new year. And then again whenever there was a substitute.
(Just to be clear, the names are made up.)
A proper database ought to have the legal name AND the preferred name. Lots of people don’t like being called by their legal name for all sorts of reasons. A customer-centric organization deals with this by storing both names.
That’s not the employee’s fault. And whether or not someone doesn’t like es legal name, it’s still not a situation that justifies “hate.” And not liking to be “called” by a legal name should be dependent on context. If it’s an actual personal relationship with someone, then, yeah, specify your preference. If it is just a dealing with an institution, which needs to use your legal name, why care whether they know your preferred name? This isn’t a personal interaction.
And if you “hate” your legal name so much, then for Pete’s sake, get it legally changed and spare the world your ire.
My friend’s mom and her husband’s mom both had the given name Wilma. One went by Willy and hated being called Wilma. The other went by Wilma and hated being called Willie. Neither were ever asses about it to my knowledge and found the situation amusing.
My first name has a common nickname (like Al for Albert). I go by both and have no preference.
It can take a long time for a new legal name to propagate… I did change my legal name, by the way, and it’s more work than you’d think. Thankfully, I’m perfectly comfortable with my current legal name.
But I have a lot of trans and non-binary friends, some of whom haven’t yet legally changed their name. And it’s just another little jab every time someone calls them by the “wrong” name.
Anyway, if you hate being called by your legal name, it’s going to be unpleasant every time. It’s generally not about the personal relationship, or lack thereof, but about the name itself.
No, it’s not the fault of the employee who is looking at your legal name in a database. But it IS the fault of the employer, for making matters unpleasant for its customers.
This issue of trans people to me seems an extension of the culture generally being too uptight about names. Again, its one thing if someone you have an actual relationship uses a name you dislike. If it’s just an administrative transaction, it shouldn’t matter so much. This issue of being a “jab” is a matter of perspective. No one in this transaction is doing something to someone else. It’s a functional context.
100% agree with that.
No one in intentionally doing anything. But if I get a splinter on the edge of my desk, it hurts, even if no one is to blame.
The issue with hated names is not necessarily about the relationship with the namer. It’s about the listener’s self-image and having that self-image poked at.
I mean, as a kid, I used to cry every time my mother took me to get my hair cut for the season, because I’d look in the mirror and I didn’t “look right” to myself.
On a related note, I get mildly annoyed when automated voices pronounce my name wrong. There’s obviously no malice, and obviously nothing I can do about it. But that actually bothers me more than when a live human being mispronounces my name. It’s annoying. It’s unpleasant. Probably it bothers me more than a person because I know I can correct the person, and they’ll get it right in the future. It’s just a harmless error from the person. The machine is going continue calling me the wrong name over and over… that’s its algorithm.
This is something I have learned from introspection and therapy: We can examine our feelings. We can analyze what it means to be hurt. We can determine that we won’t let anger or hate or some other negative emotion have control over a situation in which no one is intending to hurt and which can be faced from a perspective such that it doesn’t cause hurt.
Perspective doesn’t change the actual sensation of pain from being pricked by a splinter. Perspective can change the experience of one’s name being mispronounced by a machine.
And perspective can show that this over-sensitivity regarding names is something that seems to be encouraged by society. And it doesn’t have to be that way.
That actually highlights the issue I have with your claim that people shouldn’t care so much about their names. Because trans people do have a very legitimate reason to care. For one, many if not most have changed their identity because that old identity causes them dysphoria. Being reminded of that identity hurts emotionally. (And, remember, transition is the only known cure for gender dysphoria–not “perspective.”) Plus, using that identity after it’s been made clear that you’ve transitioned is something that was historically done to try and invalidate the existence of trans people. So, in that sense, it’s akin to using a slur, a term that is hurtful because it was largely used for bigoted purposes.
Thus this is an excellent example for why something that may not bother you doesn’t mean that you should get to dictate that it’s not supposed to bother others. You don’t know why it bothers that person, and it’s not up to you to decide what’s best for their mental well being.
You mention therapy. But one of the most basic things they teach in (good) therapy is that all feelings are valid, and what matters is your response, not the feeling itself. And they usually also teach you that therapy is individual, and what’s good for you isn’t necessarily good for everyone else.
There may be some common tools, but it’s still up to the individual to choose what to use those tools for.
I had a coworker whose first name was Bill. I mistakenly assumed that this was short for William and I once used that name in a document. Bill explained to me that his name wasn’t William; his full name was just Bill. I apologized for my mistake, corrected the document, and we moved on.
I later happened to be present when a similar situation occurred with another coworker. That coworker had also identified Bill as William in a document and Bill was correcting him.
“You put me down as William. My name is Bill not William.”
“But Bill is short for William.”
“Bill is not short for William. I know what my own name is.”
I added “I made the mistake. But when Bill pointed out I had made a mistake, I didn’t argue it with him.”