Thanks to the wonders of the DVR and Fox Soccer Channel, I’ve been watching lots and lots of great games from the 2006-07 season from the EPL, the French Ligue 1, and even a little of the Argentine Clausura and Italian Serie A. (But no Spanish football, those bastards!) There’s a lot of talk about European cup qualification during most of the matches. I seem to gather that generally the top two or three teams in a league play in the UEFA Cup and get a bye, and the winners of the domestic tournaments also go to the UEFA Cup but have to play more games, and then the next two or three teams go to some other cup, and then the next two go to the Intertoto Cup, and then the next three go to the Winning Isn’t Everything Cup, or some such thing. Then there’s some kind of Champions League stuff thrown in there too, which throws me for a loop. I’ve been trying to figure out how all this works and quite frankly I’m utterly confused. Can some of you European football fans lay the whole thing out for me? Who gets into what cup and how? Are there European cups that amateur and bottom-table teams get to play in? This seems to be the case in domestic cups. Speaking of which, how the heck do those work? Why does each nation seem to have 2-4 different ones? How do they relate to each other? Who plays in which one? How do they qualify? When do they play? How does the regular-season performance of a club affect its placement in domestic tournaments, and vice versa?
I also get the impression that some of these tournaments sandwich their matches in between league games. How does that work? Does Olympique Lyonnaise up and fly to Manchester for a Champions League match three days after they play PSG and three days before they play Monaco? Are these games played in neutral sites like the World Cup, or is it a homefield-advantage thing for the team that did better in their league? If so, what happens when the French champion plays the Spanish champion? Do they determine homefield advantage by regular-season record? Goal differential?
Basically, how do these damn things work?? 
I also have been watching SKY Sports News a little bit (and turning it off when the cricket highlights start, of course
) and they have a box in the upper right corner that switches between all the EPL teams and shows which players have transferred in and which have transferred out. This American can’t figure out how these transfers work. Each player’s name either says a figure in pounds next to it, or “Undisc”, “Free” or “Loan”. I guess “Undisc” makes sense–it just means the terms of the purchase haven’t been made public. But how do the other things work? Here in the US teams swap players for other players and/or draft picks (do you guys even have drafts over there?), or players sign with other teams as free agents and then work out contracts. How does it work over there? That figure in pounds they show next to each name–is that how much money the team receiving the player gave to the team losing the player? Is it basically a money-for-contractual-rights deal, where the one team gives the other team money and then works out a contract with the player independently? How does the player’s contract with the previous clup affect the contract with the new club and vice versa?
And what does “Free” mean? Surely Michael Ballack isn’t volunteering for Chelsea. Does this mean his contract ran out and Chelsea didn’t have to pay anyone for it, they just have to work out a new contract with him?
What about loaning players? What’s the deal with that? What does a team get in return for loaning a player to another team?
Thanks!

And of course the huge trophy (that thing is bigger than some kiddie pools) is handed over by the King. The final match is always held in Madrid, unlike previous rounds.