Dear Eve:Square cut or pear shaped, why don’t these rocks lose their shape?
Keith
Odieman—Because they’re a girl’s best friend, silly.
Eve:
I was jesting, of course. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a, ah, well you said it; loose box. Unless I happened to expire in one, that is.
On a non-similar note, I’m hearing more and more about people having congress with their pets. Or was it congress putting their members in their pets?
Anyway, since it’s becoming so popular and all, does this seem okay to you?
Dear Ageless—Only if you have a pet man.
Eve:
I eat a Kosher diet, and my husband is a vegetarian. What would you recommend as appropriate foods for us to introduce into our bedroom activities? (Keeping in mind that I can’t have dairy, such as whipped cream, on the same plate as flesh, if you catch my drift…)
Dear Smashed—I’m pretty sure the Pleasure Chest, in the West Village, has a Kosher section. The vegetarian gefilte fish crotchless panties are delish!
No, but I do have another question.
Should I give groceries to this woman at my church whose check has been cut by the government? She’s a widowed single mom with three kids unde the age of 14. I’d like to do something to help, if I can.
Dear Eve,
I have recently gotten into an embarrassing situation and am ashamed to show my face in public. I have decided to wear a bag over my head whenever I leave the house. What I want to know is do you recommend paper or plastic?
Signed,
Grocery Gaffe Gal
Over a hundred million Americans suffer from some form of dependence on human contact. From the casual, “weekend” socializer to the poor wretch throwing twice daily tea parties, the insidious effects of this terrible addiction, which researchers refer to as “socialism,” have wasted countless hours of valuable television watching and shopping time in meaningless human interaction.
But there is hope. We at the Bureau for Advanced Socialism Treatment And Related Disorders (BASTARD) have developed a new program that will systematically strip you of any desire for human contact. It involves an intense, three-week course of daytime talk shows, “reality” television, forced reading of “Letters to the Editor,” internet glurge, and one-on-one sessions with Joan Rivers. After the main treatment, there are two follow-up courses to be undertaken at the Star Trek convention of your choice. Our studies have shown that over 80% of people who follow our program lose all desire for contact with other humans!
There is hope. Call our 1 800 number today. Operators are not standing by to take your call.
I hate to admit it, but I have no idea what you people are talking about. Particularly the OP. I’m not a complete newbie (what am I up to, maybe 150 posts?), but you’ve lost me.
Eve, though, is a cool handle. I think I say this because my first name is Adam and I have never, ever met an Eve IRL.
Dear Ms Eve,
I own a black shirt with silver buttons shaped like Spidey tracers. A friend has given me permission to wear it at her wedding. Obviously, a traditional tie would obscure the buttons. So-
Should I wear a bow tie? If so, what kind?
Should I wear a collar stud?
PS I shall probably wear my green double breasted suit, as it is the only suit I currently own. This seems inadvisable, but I don’t know what else to do.
Bolo (string) tie. Silver-and-turquoise clasp. No collar stud.
Dig it.
Dear Eve -
What wine do you recommend with Hamburger Helper?
Thanks!
Eve,
I saw 12 Angry Men tonight. I thought you’d like to give me a pat on the head for seeing a movie in only two colors.
The wedding is the 5th.
I will likely be wearing the clothing I’ve described. I have no sense of fashion or style. Eve seems to be the kind of lady who sets fashions. So I appeal to her for aid.
Again-I’m not joking or writing satire here. I’ve considered making a collar stud or bolo tie using a mold of either the shirt’s buttons or the head of a Spider-Man action figure.
Eve, can you give me details on what the “very circuitous plot twists” were in Papa’s Wife? How did Anna end up married to the son?
Dear Eve,
Who put the bop in the bop-shi-bop-shi-bop? And while you’re at it, who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?
Sign me,
Curious in Kuala Lumpur
jackalope:
Don’t worry about what this thread or the OP is about. I found out what I wanted to know, which is why Eve (with whom I’m madly in love, lust and like) doesn’t have a PC at home. My thead has been completely taken over by the usual local goofs and turned into an Eve Landers column, which is fine with me. It’s funnier this way.
I hope it keeps running.
Dear Eve,
When should I have the buttons of my suit jacket done up and when should I unbutton them?
In my current state of confusion, I feel quite silly with my jacket buttoned-up. I am inclined to leave it open; however, walking on the windy streets downtown make my unbuttoned jacket flap like a superhero’s cape.
Dear Eve,
How did the Great Memorial Day Burn of '02 go? Well, I hope. Did you use the broiler pan?
-Rue.